FUTURE SHOCK THERAPY (Episode 17.1)

SORRY, BUT I'M A-FREYA'D YOUR CHANCE OF WINNING IS GONE

Well, last night sure was a roller coaster, wasn’t it?

We began with six women for what was assuredly going to be a historic season for Future Shock.  No longer were we going to watch scrubby little rookies roll around, but rather turn things over to six veteran established stars who’d been around the block a thousand times and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what the hell they were doing.

Of course, it wouldn’t be Future Shock if something didn’t go wrong and we had a dumb elimination before the show even started, and lo and behold we got that with Freya Kane being jumped and knocked out by Valentina Lozano’s bodyguard isis.  Kane’s out, Valentina is not, thanks to a loophole that says managers dont count in the “no attacking people before the match” rule.  

So with Freya gone, there’s no elimination this week, which means that everybody advances to the next round.  That’s good, but already there’s a pecking order being established, and some are closer to that dreaded cut-line than others.  Which means some people still only have one more chance to impresse the fans before the time runs out.  And siince none of the next possible challeneges involve wrestling, what they just gave is going to be the only in-ring arguments they’ll have before the voting starts again.

Anyways, from the shakiest to the safest, here’s a look at the inagural Season 17 rankings!

6TH PLACE: FREYA KANE (Eliminated):

Poor Freya never got off the ground, and it was over before it started because of rules.

5TH: ERICA HORTON (Hot Seat)

God, I hate to do this, but the fact of the matter is, there’s no getting around the fact that she ended the night staring up at the lights after being in a 3 vs 2 situation.  Yeah, it was cause her own partner clocked her with a roll of quarters, but no one ever said Future Shock was fair… or all that forgiving.   Luckily, Erica’s got a chance to fix things up here, and peel herself off the worst seat in the house next week.

4TH: CLAIRE BLACK

For being a boxer, Claire sure has a weak chin.  She ate Valentina’s Priceless Kiss, and was never the same after that, falling prey to Silence is Golden.  Luckily, she got saved by Erica, but spent the rest of the match out of it on the floor.

3RD: STACEY

It was utterly hilarious to watch Stacey celebrate in there like she had planned it all along, when in reality shes gotta be pissed that Kate took amnesty.  Stacey started off well, but overplayed her hand in turning on Kate too soon, and shes honestly lucky that ended as well as it did for her.

2ND: VALENTINA LOZANO

Yes, she screwed her own team, and yes, her big sabotage backfired, but Valentina’s still the most talked about person coming out of the match, and in Future Shock- especially the early stages, some infamy is better than no famy at all.  It could be that the fans get sick of her in the next few weeks and want her gone, but for now, she’s in a decent spot.

1ST: KATE STEELE (Amnesty)

Of course its Kate and its Kate by a fucking mile.  There were times where that honestly felt like a five-on-one match for Kate, and she managed to keep going and push herself forward.  Yeah, the dominos had to fall into place just right, but the best wrestlers find a way to win, and Kate did that.

So with the pecking order established, we head to the second competition, which awaits a fan vote from among three posibilities, the result of which will be revealed next Tuesday by myself and Adam.  I’m not going to tell you how to vote, because all three are great choices.  But if you’re wondering who’s ultimately going ot hold the advantage in each contest type…

JEOPARDY- Erica Horton

When youre an announcer, you just dont walk out and sit at a booth and start flapping your gums.  A lot of prep work goes into those jobs, and an announcer’s gotta know her history and current events inside and out.  All those boring ass production meetings going to finally pay off, Erica!

DODGEBALL- Claire Black

Being a boxer, Claire’s trained to dodge things that come in flying very fast at her face.  She should have the agility and evasiveness to get through here.  Although what would really be awesome is if she punched a ball hard enough for it to explode.  That’d be glorious.

GO-KART RACiNG: Valentina Lozano

Good Lord!  Have you SEEN how people from Los Angeles drive?!

Whatever gets announced, I’m looking forward to it.  Just like I’m looking forward to being back here in two weeks to round up the second episode!  See you then!