INCOMING! Velocity 9.12.13 Preview

YOU GET A MATCH!  YOU GET A MATCH!   YOU ALSO GET A MATCH!   EVERYONE HERE GETS A MOTHERFUCKING MATCH! 

Average Number of Wrestlers on a standard FFW TV Show:  14
Number of Wrestlers on the September 12 Velocity: 24

I can't confirm this, but that's gotta be a record for non-PPV shows.  Although it makes sense that if we're going to do show in the world's most populous nation, that we run the most populous show we've ever had there.  Oddly, there's still only six matches, but this baby is backloaded with a six femme tag match followed by TEN FEMME CHAOS.  In short, enjoy the relative peaceful orderliness of the first four matches.  Even the Blondetourage can't create chaos like a good sixteen women clusterfuck.  And while you're at it, spare a thought for me.  I'm the poor asshole who has to rank everybody in the aftermath, you know. 

Sadly, I won't actually be at Velocity either, since I'm too loaded with free speech and democracy to be allowed in to China.  My mere presence would have started Tianamen Square 2: The Reckoning. 


HOLLY ADAMS vs. MICHELLE TAYLOR
No, Michelle. The UN isn't going to intervene to stop you from getting your ass kicked, either. 
PICK: Holly Adams by LMFAO ANKLEBITER DUMPSTERFIRE 

JO MCFARLANE vs. HANNA ELLIOT
Oh, wow.  Is Hanna out of rent money already?  I guess it has three months since Attempted Hanna Elliot comeback #8.  #9 features a woman coming off what may have been the most crushing loss of her career, so there's a chance that Elliot could catch her vulnerable.  But there's an even better chance that she's going to catch her highly motivated and wanting to get back to another shot at Atherton.
PICK: Jo Mcfarlane by pinfall

MADELYNE MCTAGGERT vs. TABATHA BELMONT
OH DEAR GOD THE BLONDETOURAGE IS FACING A REDHEAD.  THE EVENT HORIZON IS HERE AND THIS IS THE SECRET WEAPON WE WILL DESTROY YOU WITH CHINA BECAUSE FUCK YOUR CYBERHACKING ATTEMPTS. 
PICK: Maddy.  In a way that will actually make people feel sympathetic towards Tabbycat. 

FREYA KANE vs. LEONA VEGA
Round 1 went to the Hyper Tigers, because they were all snarky and cool and made Mika go into super-Russian poutyface.  Round 2 went to II when their junior member beat the HT junior member.  If II's junior member knocks off the more established member of the Hyper Tigers, a certain tag match at S&S suddenly drifts into "foregone conclusion" category. 
PICK: Freya Kane because buyrates demand it.  Do not fuck this up Irish lady or you will ruin the PPV and bankrupt the company.  No pressure. 

SIX FEMME TAG
SAMARA STEELE & PURE ADRENALINE (Kate Steele & Misty Whitmore) vs. CRYSTAL HATE & FROSTED STEEL (Laura steele & Rebecka Hate)
Pop quiz, hotshot.  What's the biggest storyline coming into this match? 
1. Samara Steele trying to keep a 5 match win streak going.
2. Pure Adrenaline attempting to avenge a loss to Frosted Steele at the Unity Special
3. The very good possibility that this will turn into a 5 vs 1 handicapped beatdown of a certain princess. 
If you guessed option 3, you win a cookie.  Give it to Laura.  It's important to get sugar in you after losing a large quantity of blood. 
PICK: Samara & Pure Adrenaline because there's no DQ if you beat your own partner to death with a chair. 

TEN FEMME CHAOS 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO
EILEEN AMARO, ALYSSON GARDNER, KINSEY ROBINSON & WITCHES BREW (Stephanie Dallins & Sunny Kyoun) vs. TARA THUNDER, EMMA MACNAMARA, JESSIKA HEXSTAR & OF POETS & PROPHETS (Aimee Easter & Lightning) 
Awww... it's like a Power Trip reunion show!  First glance makes me want to tip this slightly towards the PT remenants, given that they're a more loaded team than Amaro/Gardner/Robinson/Dallins/Kyoun.  But there's that plucky factor again, especially when Eileen's leading the charge.  But after thinking about it, I have come to the only logical answer.
PICK: No contest, as the match is stopped halfway through and the entire FFW roster & crew is immediately evicted from the country due to health and safety concerns.   Except for Michelle Taylor, who is quarantined and dubbed "Patient Zero"  #MichelleRuinsEverything