Once again, its time for wrestling manager and analyst Daniel Pollaski to go over the news, reviews, and previews of Femme Fatale Wrestling! All content is the sole opinion of the author and does not reflect the views of Femme Fatale Wrestling, its wrestlers, or administration. Or Wendy Briese, for that matter, so don’t go jumping her in the hallway if you get butthurt about this. Bitch.
The Power X’s inspirational thought of the week:
Show me how to lie
You're getting better all the time
And turning all against the one
Is an art that's hard to teach
Another clever word
Sets off an unsuspecting herd
And as you step back into line
A mob jumps to their feet
Now dance, fucker, dance
Man, he never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you
And now you steal away
Take him out today
Nice work you did
You're gonna go far, kid
With a thousand lies
And a good disguise
Hit em right between the eyes
Hit em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See em running for their lives
- “You’re Gonna Go Far Kid” The Offspring
Hey kids!
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but new wrestlers are coming out of the woodwork in FFW. Every new week, we seem to see a new wrestler, whether it was one of the eliminated girls from Future Shock, or just a newcomer. Just this week, four women will make their debut in the Power X rankings, and from the looks of things at least two more women will be popping in the next time too.
While some of the women entering the fray are accomplished veterans elsewhere making their home in FFW, many of the newcomers are young women who are still learning the sport. Women like Gretchen Donimari and Jenna McKinley have made their mistakes, but its obvious that they have the potential to be the future. And of course, you can’t forget Scarlett Kincaid, who, just over a year into her career, sits atop the ladder as the FFW Champion.
But of course, when one says ‘promising newcomers’ in conjunction with FFW, one immediately thinks of Future Shock. And as the show concludes its third season this week (and the first that I’ve had the privilege of covering), there’s no denying that, for all its quirks and zaniness, Future Shock has already established a proven track record of finding some of FFW’s hottest future stars. Sophie Richards, the Season 2 champion, already has captured the Television Championship, while the first season’s champion in Raven Wicked gets her opportunity as well- facing Camilla Pazzini at Unstoppable 2 for the Ultraviolence Title.
Even those who didn’t win are making names for themselves. Rori Snyder, has certainly managed to draw a fair bit of attention to herself, although hardly the positive kind. And Payton St. Pierre is coming off of one of the biggest upsets I’ve seen since I started covering Femme Fatale Wrestling. Even Jo McFarlane’s shown some potential, although she has a long way to go. And now with Ignis, and no doubt Casey Atherton, Kelly Allen, and Alyson Summers entering the main roster soon, its safe to say that the future of women’s wrestling looks bright indeed.
Yup, some of these kids are definitely gonna go far.
Anyways, we’ll get to the upcoming finals of Future Shock in a bit, but first, of course, the reason you’re here- time for some good old fashioned rankings.
Two wrestlers dropped from the list this week, hardly a surprise when you consider that the two are Ariel Shadows, who regretfully was released after Conviction, and Victoria Summers, who’s pretty much locked up the role of Tiny Tim in this years all-job squad production of A Christmas Carol. God bless us, everyone indeed.
Taking their place are the aforementioned four newcomers, along with three women who have returned after being bumped off the rankings list for various reasons. That swells the numbers to a Rose Jenkins-sized THIRTY-NINE wrestlers.
Which means if you have to go, you might wanna now, because Danny ain’t pulling this car over for NOTHIN’! So pop in your fave Offspring CD (Americana or Smash being good bets), crank it up, and lets COUNT IT DOWN!
#39- AMBER CROSS [NEW]
For the first time in a few weeks, Faith ain’t brining up the rear of the Power X train, thanks to her surprise victory over newcomer Amber Cross. Cross, at least until I get word that she’s been fired, can take her place for the time being.
#38- DESTINY LOVEHEART [-6]
Somehow, the vacant-staring Destiny Loveheart has managed to avoid the bottom yet AGAIN, althought it sure as hell ain’t for a lack of trying on her part. Honestly, when you’re known as ‘The Lesser Loveheart’, you know you’ve hit rock bottom.
#37- SKYE ESTRADA [Returning- Last Ranked 30th on May 1]
Skye’s a remarkable young lady, when you think about it. Not her amazing talent, because that’s right next to the tooth fairy on the list of shit that doesn’t exist. But it’s rather fascinating how, for all the money she has in the world, this woman can’t buy a win to save her life.
#36- NINA ASTRAL [NEW]
Wait... hang on. I should do this properly.
Let’s try this again.
#36- NINA BATTLEHEART ASTRAL [NEW]
I’m honestly not sure what’s worse: the beating she took at the hands of Valerie Belmont, or the fact that her middle name sounds like a rejected Care Bear. Then again, getting her stomach to shoot a ray of light that would force people to actually give a shit about her is probably the only hope she’s got.
#35- TRACI LOVEHEART [-2]
So now, in the horrors of all horrors, the Lovehearts are actually going to team together. Which means infighting amongst the inbreds. Which means an easy win for Whit and Gretchen. Not that Pwn3d! would have had any problems with those two if they were the best of friends.
#34- SYD ASHLEY [RETURNING- Last Ranked 28th on May 1]
Syd put up a decent effort against a larger, tougher, meaner woman like Rose Jenkins, but came up just a little (actually, quite a bit) short.
#33- JENNA MCKINLEY [-11]
Not sure if Jenna’s still with us, although I haven’t heard anything either way. And eleven spot slide is rare for a week off, but let’s be honest. Its not like anyone really missed her during the hiatus.
#32- FAITH [+3]
Faith becomes the first person in the Power X to move up, and she does it with style, offing Amber Cross in what could be considered a surprise win. But before everyone starts thinking Faith is back and better than ever, just remember- even a broken clock is right twice a day.
#31- MICHELLE TAYLOR [-1]
Brace yourself, kids. Michelle’s off the shows for the second cycle in a row, which means one more, and SHE’S OFF THE RANKINGS! Oh, what a horrible way to say goodbye to the absolute worst Television Champion in FFW history.
#30- JO MCFARLANE [NEW]
There always seems to be a point in these rankings where the list immediately goes from wastes of oxygen with no shot in hell of ever doing anything worthwhile, to promising wrestlers who just haven’t quite gotten all the pieces put together yet. Considering she just had her first official match, Jo obviously falls into the latter category. The future is bright for this young lady- provided she can keep herself out of the hospital.
#29- WHITLEY MERCER [-3]
Whitley is unfortunately one of those wrestlers that just seems to have gotten lost in the cracks. There’s nothing horrible about her, but when the only thing I’ve seen from her is a strong losing effort against Kaitlynn Stryfe over a month ago, well, that ain’t gonna get you too high. Luckily, Whitley’s back in the ring at the next Breaking Point, teaming up with Gretch, but considering her opponents are two of the worst in the company, any victory is going to be far from impressive.
#28- SHANE SANDERS [-3]
After three weeks of fuming, Shane’s gotten what she’s wanted- a rematch against Rori Snyder come Unstoppable 2, in a Falls Count Anywhere contest. But now the challenge is- Shane’s gotta deliver the goods. The first loss to Rori was excusable. The second one won’t be.
#27- LUMINA FERRARI [-1]
Not a good fortnight for poor Lumina. Obviously, she really wants no part in Moxie’s constant disparaging of FFW, but its a rare breed that can control Johnny Moxie. Throw in a loss to Katherine Stryfe, and the fact that the behemoth known as Rose Jenkins wants her dead, and things can’t be too bright from her point of view.
#26- BELLADONNA [-9]
This is actually a bummer. Belladonna’s sunk so low, it’s kinda hard to kick her without stubbing your toe. But four losses in five matches, the latest coming to Payton St. Pierre, is all the explanation needed for putting her here.
#25- GRETCHEN DONIMARI [-1]
Everything about Gretchen says that this is a talent that’s ready to just blow-up at any minute. With better partners, that moment could have been Conviction, but unfortunately, Gretch ended up walking away disappointed. She’s got two matches on the dockett now, and while Pwn3d! taking on the Lovehearts is hardly a way to increase her stock, pulling out a big win over Shane Sanders could definitely turn heads.
#24- HAYLEY DARK [Returning- Last Ranked 25th on May 1]
BOING! Has the FFW entered the Dark Ages? Well, a win over Skye Estrada is hardly anything to write home about, but Hayley’s gotten herself back into the ring- setting off this time as a singles competitor. And yes, she’s ranked above her ex-best friend. BOING!
#23- ROSE JENKINS [NEW]
Rose ain’t exactly FFW’s cutest, most fuckable superstar, but when it comes down to it, this is a wrestling company, and DAYUM, she can certainly do that. And you gotta admit, while Rose ain’t exactly a looker, she probably ends up walking out of matches a lot more attractive than most of her victims.. erm, opponents do.
#22- PAYTON ST. PIERRE [+1]
After two months of the most annoying shrill whining on the planet about how she was screwed to end Future Shock’s second season, Payton actually decided to get in the ring and wrestle. And I’ll be damned if she didn’t actually win- over Belladonna no less! But yes, we all know who PayPay REALLY wants- and it looks like she’s gonna get it at Unstoppable.
#21- RORI SNYDER [-1]
You gotta give Rori credit. While she’s still yet to show anything in the ring that even remotely resembles a major league-level wrestling talent, she’s managed to pretty much piss everyone off. She better be careful, though. Minimal talent, plus a couple of cheap wins, plus an absolutely irritating attitude tends to ultimately result in disaster. The kind of disaster that makes me point and laugh. Loudly.
#20- REBBECCA VALENTINE [+7]
*UNITY TAG TEAM CHAMPION*
After a couple of tough, dogged losses, Valentine proved to the world there was some toughness in her after all, leading her team to a huge win over Angelic S&D, and capturing the tag titles. I’m not sold on her being a top-tier talent yet, but this last match was certainly a step in the right direction.
#19- STARLA MCCLOUD [-5]
The Not-So-Good Doctor slides back a bit on attrition, but here’s the interesting question- just what is Starla’s position on her protege/rival Casey Atherton getting the last boot from Future Shock?
#18- CHARLOTTE GAGE [No Change]
Absolute heartbreaker for poor Charlie, who threw everything she possibly had at Sophie Richards, but came up short in large part thanks to the actions of one Payton St. Pierre. Still, the fact that the Danger Queens are the next contenders for the tag belts makes me excited- I think TEF might be one and done as champs.
#17- RAVEN WICKED [-4]
Big development with Raven this week, although being named the #1 contender for the UV title is hardly a surprise. The catch is- now Raven’t got a huge mountain to climb, in Camilla Pazzini. A victory at Unstoppable in the Prison of Punishment will be hard earned indeed.
#16- UNDINE [-4]
Tough night at Velocity for the Aquablonde, as she got absolutely NAILED by the returning Tara Thunder. Word on the street is that Undine’s not injured, but she seems to have been very quiet about the incident. That generally means there’s some serious trouble brewing.
#15- ROBBYN HELMSLEY [-4]
After a couple weeks of massive progress in both performance and attitude, Supergirl took a small step back at Velocity, being submitted by Kassandra in the six-femme match. Still, with a double-dose of matches in the coming weeks, first against Katherine Stryfe, then against Kassandra in a rematch, Robbyn has a huge chance to get the ball rolling in the right direction again.
#14- KASSANDRA [+7]
Hard to believe I actually had this girl ranked as low as 28th at one point. But I’m starting to see that first impressions aren’t always the correct ones, and Kassandra has been nothing short of amazing in her matches since the Danger Queens loss in the semifinals of the Unity tournament. With the Chase for the Crown still going, AND the DQ’s being named number one contenders, Kassandra’s got her hands in a lot of pots as we head towards Unstoppable!
#13- DELILAH [-4]
It just goes to show that even the best of teams are ultimately beatable, but man, what a lousy time to have a bad night for Angelic S&D. Still, if I were to lay odds on who the first TWO-TIME tag champs are gonna be, it would have to be them.
#12- WENDY BRIESE [+4]
Wendy’s slowly but surely getting notice in the FFW ranks, which makes me a happy panda. And with the second round of the Chase for the Crown being held in her hometown, you can bet that Wendy’s definitely going to be leaving nothing out there come Velocity.
#11- CRYSTAL HILTON [+4]
Like all the girls remaining in the Chase, Crystal has done well in using the tournament as a vehicle to increase her stock in FFW. Not that she actually needs to try to be noticed, of course. Everyone notices Crystal Hilton!
#10- SELINA [-3]
Like her sister, the Archangel has to be reeling after the shocking end to their short tag-title reigns. But also like her sister- while Selina might be down, she sure as hell ain’t out. Barring a chance at the TV or UV titles, its a fair bet that Angelic Cindy will be back challenging for the Unity belts soon!
#9- KATHERINE STRYFE [+10]
*UNITY TAG CHAMPION*
After Kat’s miserably failed attempt to ‘liberate’ the Ultraviolence Division, it looks like she managed to succeed in ‘saving’ the Tag Division. At least in her mind. All jokes aside, Stryfe had a hell of a week, and got back a lot of the momentum she lost in her pre-Conviction slide.
#8- VALERIE BELMONT [+2]
Believe it or not, kind of a disappointing outing for Valerie at the last outing. Namely- Nina Astral actually survived the match with her internal organs intact. C’mon Val! We expect better!
#7- SOPHIE RICHARDS [+1]
*TELEVISION CHAMPION*
I’d say Sophie owes PayPay some dinner after that gift-wrap, but let’s be honest, Sophie neither wanted nor needed the help. Still, she becomes just the second woman to retain the TV belt, and that means that her inevitable collision with St. Pierre is still on track.
#6- STACEY MACKENZIE [No Change]
Odd for a top 10 wrestler, there just ain’t much to say about Stacey at the moment. After a solid outing at Conviction, she’s yet to appear in the ring. Which is probably fortunate for anyone who would have had to face her.
#5- COLLEEN [-2]
*EVOLUTION CHAMPION*
Tough to drop Colleen too far, despite her team losing at Velocity. Regardless of what she might think of me, there’s no denying that this woman is one of the most dedicated and talented wrestlers on the roster. And I think its safe to say that once someone brings her down for that Evo title, there’s no need for Colleen to ever go for it again- she’ll have a higher calling for certain.
#4- KAITLYNN STRYFE [+1]
With the Elimination Chamber match looming at Conviction, speculation as to whom the other four entrants will be has begun. I say look no further than Kitty Mac- she’s more than qualified herself to enter the Chamber.
#3- CAMILLA PAZZINI [+1]
*ULTRAVIOLENCE CHAMPION*
Chunks has to be licking her lips at the prospect of facing Raven Wicked in a Prison of Punishment match, but she’s got bigger (and balder!) fish to deal with first. Colleen wants revenge- and with the opportunity being in a last man standing match, Camilla better be on her guard.
#2- You know what? Screw it. This has to be done.
#1 (tie)- ISABELLA PAZZINI [+1]
This is my column, bitches. I do what I want!
#1 (tie)- SCARLETT KINCAID [No Change]
*FFW CHAMPION*
Next week, Izzy will be back to her rightful number two spot, but come on, is there any reason this shouldn’t happen this week? I mean, that championship match was every bit of sorts of amazing, but the fact that we didn’t get a clear winner was a flat-out bummer, and FUCK the network. Its a shame the next time these two face, it’s gonna be with four other women gunning for their heads, because this is a rivalry that needs to be settled.
And there we go. Of course, bitches, whines, and complaints are more than welcome, as are comments below. Not that the good members of the FFW Roster leave any. Assholes!
FUTURE SHOCK THERAPY
Due to the odd scheduling that PPV’s seem to bring to FFW, three weeks have passed since my last column, which means instead of writing this on the heels of the last challenge, I’m writing it on the heels of the voting period after. Still, for those of you who missed Eppy 4, it was a go-kart race, officiated by none other than my boy Terrence Thompson. Poorly officiated, mind you, but officiated nonetheless.
Anyways, here’s the summary: Green flag, Ally takes the lead, Casey drives like a bitch, it backfires, Alex cheats in response, Christian cheats in response to THAT,. both girls fuck each other over (again!) and Kelly Allen wins. ‘Nuff said.
Then the voting comes down, and well, its Casey Atherton getting the boot. Probably the right call, considering that Casey hasn’t made any friends at all around here, but lets’ be honest, of the last three, she was by FAR the most entertaining. I mean, cheatings common in this sport, but there aren’t many like Atherton who are so amazingly brazen about it.
Anyways, that leaves Kelly Allen and Alyson Summers in the Jailbreak match to determine the next Future Shock champion. Considering that in my initial depth chart rankings I had Kelly 3rd, and Aly 5th, that’s quite a surprise. But congrats to the two for getting this far. As for the match itself, while every bit of me is screamign that Kelly’s got this shit in the BAG, something very strongly tells me that Alyson is gonna pull the upset, and Club CK will get yet another TV title contender.
Seriously, the line forms behind Hayley, club CKers!
Anyways, best of luck to both girls, lookin’ forward to the finale.
Oh, and Season 4 is already in the works, with one Shocker already being announced. In the Knight family’s quest to surpass the Lovehearts as the most annoying wrestling family on the planet, Deven Knight enters. Hopefully the other seven (yup, there’s gonna be eight next season!) will have a bit more promise.
LOOKING AHEAD
Two shows coming up, ten matches in between them, and some of them look pretty damn groovy. As usual, I’ve picked my top 5-
5. #23 Rose Jenkins vs. #36 Nina Battleheart Astral
Not exactly the most high-profile competitve match out there, but lets be honest- what Rose did to Nina at Conviction was pure awesomeness. So hopefully, what she does in a sanctioned match is going to be even more pure awesomeness. If Battleheart is going to perfect the Care Bear Stare, she better do it friggin’ quick, because Rosie is a-coming!
WINNER: Rose Jenkins. And Samantha Star. And the Fans. Pretty much everyone but Nina and her cracked-out psychomom are gonna win here.
4. #9 Katherine Stryfe vs. #15 Robbyn Helmsley
Two of the most up and down wrestlers on the roster collide here. Seriously, just when you think one is getting momentum, they take a slide back, and just when you think one has jumped the shark, they manage to turn it around. Still, this should be a solid match, and with Kat Stryfe coming off of two huge matches, you’d think the momentum would be with her. But like I said, momentum either way has never seemed to affect these two at all.
WINNER: Helmsley
3. #1 Isabella Pazzini vs. Amy
Is this match even gonna happen? Signs are kinda pointing to ‘no’ after Isabella carved Amy up like she did Rori Snyder. Although I’m electing to withhold sympathy for Amy until I’m certain that Isabella doesn’t have some magic property to turn whoever she attacks into a raging cuntrag. Still, the face? That ain’t cool. If Amy makes it back, this is gonna be one nasty nasty match. But i’m gonna go with the Diva here.
WINNER: Izzy Pizzy.
2. CHASE FOR THE CROWN ROUND 2: #11 Crystal Hilton vs. #12 Wendy Briese vs. #14 Kassandra
There’s two winners here- one person gets eliminated, and to the best of my knowledge, there’s no difference in outcome whether you make the pin or not. Two weeks ago, the odd girl out was obvious- Kassandra, although her recent performances means that’s hardly the case anymore. Any one of these three girls could be in for a huge disappointment Thursday. I don’t see Wendy losing- especially in Indianapolis. And I’ve gotten the impression that Crystal’s been holding back so far, which is kinda scary if you think about it. And besides, Kassandra’s already got herself a tag title match at Unstoppable, so fuck her!
ADVANCING: Hilton, Briese
1. LAST FEMME STANDING: #3 Camilla Pazzini vs. #5 Colleen
Obvious #1 pick here, as this is a hugely anticipated rematch. First go-round ended in a victory for Chunks, although it was tainted thanks to shitty officiating. This time, the only way this match could be fucked up is if the ref forgets how to count to ten... something I’m not entirely ruling out, mind you. The LFS rules favor Camilla, IMO, but I’m sure Colleen knows how to knock a girl out, and you know she WANTS this. I’ll give it to her, on paper.
WINNER: Colleen
AWARDS
Alright, now that the Power X is fully ingrained into your psyche as the end-all be all source for FFW analysis, its time to start having fun around here. The truth is, while the awards are looked forward to, sometimes, they’re the biggest pain in the ass to write, especially if you do it every freakin’ column. So I came up with a remedy a while ago, that not only gets the kudos out, it stirs the pot a little bit. So, each column (save for those after PPVs), I’m going to hand this portion of the column over to another FFW personality, and let them give THEIR take on the matters.
This week goes to the lovely, and currently undefeated Television Champion Sophie Richards. Sophie and I worked well together on the set of her show before Conviction, and I was amused by her opinions on various members of the roster. So why not let Sophie get the first crack at it? So take it away, Champ!
=======================
I would just like to thank Daniel for appearing on my show a few weeks back, and helping to expose the petulant fraud known as Belladonna for who she really is. As a result, it is an honour and a privilege to be the first FFW roster member to give out awards for this fantastic column, the Power-X! So let’s get to it!
MATCH OF THE WEEK
Scarlett Kincaid vs. Isabella Pazzini
Honestly, what were you expecting? These two showed, once again, why they are the two top stars in FFW. This was a back and forth match, full of excitement, drama, shenanigans, and near falls. The controversial ending, with both women managing to pin each other at the same time (something I’ve never seen before) only served to make this match even more memorable, and left us all with the feeling that this rivalry isn’t going to end soon. If it ever does.
Pollaski’s Runners Up:
- Sophie Richards vs. Charlie Gage (Phenomenal effort by both women, and its a shame it got wrecked by Payton)
- Briese/Hilton/Kassandra vs. Colleen/Helmsley/Undine (Both teams held up, which was a miracle, and the action was amazingly fast paced and furious.)
WINNERS OF THE WEEK
The Eternal Flame
Revenge is sweet, they say. Well Katherine & Rebbecca certainly would have felt pretty sweet after this rematch victory against Angelic S&D, who beat them to win the then vacant belts only three weeks earlier. It seems that The Eternal Flame has put their recent poor streak behind them, and now must be looking to the future with a positive tint. But they need to beware... the Danger Queens lurk on the horizon!
Pollaski’s Runners Up:
- Payton St. Pierre (huge momentum building win for someone who really had none)
- Raven Wicked (She’s got the title shot she’s been hoping for. A lot of work to do, though.)
LOSER OF THE WEEK
Belladonna
Oh my, how the mighty have fallen. A terrible run of recent form for Belladonna has seen her stock tumble to almost rock bottom, and a clean defeat to the vile little upstart Payton St. Pierre just adds one hell of an exclamation point. Sure, Payton is tough, I should know, I’ve faced her enough times. But she’s also easy enough to outwit. Belladonna just looks like a shell, and I think she needs some time off to sort herself out. Looks like Hayley was right... she IS the superior Cherrybomb!
Pollaski’s Runners Up:
- Jo McFarlane (losing your debut sucks. Losing your debut via cheating sucks worse. Losing your debut by cheating and being put in the hospital as a result sucks major)
- Lumina Ferrari (Moxie can’t be happy with her for losing to Stryfe. Star can’t be happy with her for being with Moxie. Rose can’t be happy with her after Breaking point. That’s a few too many crosshairs for this woman to have on her)
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK
Payton St. Pierre
This was a toss up between her & Rori Snyder (rolls of quarters have no place in a wrestling ring) but in the end, I had to go for my own personal gripe. Not only did she act like a douche in her match against Belladonna, nearly throwing the whole thing away by shoving Alvin Shepherd around, but she then saw fit to interfere in MY match. Now I don’t care if she was trying to help me or not. You stay the hell out of my business. I hate your filthy black guts Payton, and in three weeks time... you’re going down. Bitch.
Pollaski’s Runner’s Up
- Isabella Pazzini (Izzy’s slowly turning FFW into her own little horror movie with all the slicin’ and dicin’.)
- Tara Thunder (Can’t anyone ever come back to FFW by bringing a gift basket?)
===================
Thanks to Sophie for the bit, and if you are an FFW wrestler, manager, or other major personality, and would like to do the awards for a week, I’m not that hard to find. It’ll be really interesting to hear the opinions of various people on the goings on around here.
And stay the fuck away from me, Herbie. I’m not picking you. Ever.
Anyways, thats it for today. I’ll see ya’ll in a couple weeks, for more rankings, more analysis, an overview of the Future Shock finale, and of course, another guest awards column!
Until that happy day...
POLLA OUT!
Daniel Pollaski is an freelance wrestling columnist, and the manager of Wendy Briese. He’d also just like to thank FFW management for hotshotting the Rose Jenkins/NBA grudge match. Thank God no one’s gonna actually have to pay to watch that.
The Power X’s inspirational thought of the week:
Show me how to lie
You're getting better all the time
And turning all against the one
Is an art that's hard to teach
Another clever word
Sets off an unsuspecting herd
And as you step back into line
A mob jumps to their feet
Now dance, fucker, dance
Man, he never had a chance
And no one even knew
It was really only you
And now you steal away
Take him out today
Nice work you did
You're gonna go far, kid
With a thousand lies
And a good disguise
Hit em right between the eyes
Hit em right between the eyes
When you walk away
Nothing more to say
See the lightning in your eyes
See em running for their lives
- “You’re Gonna Go Far Kid” The Offspring
Hey kids!
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but new wrestlers are coming out of the woodwork in FFW. Every new week, we seem to see a new wrestler, whether it was one of the eliminated girls from Future Shock, or just a newcomer. Just this week, four women will make their debut in the Power X rankings, and from the looks of things at least two more women will be popping in the next time too.
While some of the women entering the fray are accomplished veterans elsewhere making their home in FFW, many of the newcomers are young women who are still learning the sport. Women like Gretchen Donimari and Jenna McKinley have made their mistakes, but its obvious that they have the potential to be the future. And of course, you can’t forget Scarlett Kincaid, who, just over a year into her career, sits atop the ladder as the FFW Champion.
But of course, when one says ‘promising newcomers’ in conjunction with FFW, one immediately thinks of Future Shock. And as the show concludes its third season this week (and the first that I’ve had the privilege of covering), there’s no denying that, for all its quirks and zaniness, Future Shock has already established a proven track record of finding some of FFW’s hottest future stars. Sophie Richards, the Season 2 champion, already has captured the Television Championship, while the first season’s champion in Raven Wicked gets her opportunity as well- facing Camilla Pazzini at Unstoppable 2 for the Ultraviolence Title.
Even those who didn’t win are making names for themselves. Rori Snyder, has certainly managed to draw a fair bit of attention to herself, although hardly the positive kind. And Payton St. Pierre is coming off of one of the biggest upsets I’ve seen since I started covering Femme Fatale Wrestling. Even Jo McFarlane’s shown some potential, although she has a long way to go. And now with Ignis, and no doubt Casey Atherton, Kelly Allen, and Alyson Summers entering the main roster soon, its safe to say that the future of women’s wrestling looks bright indeed.
Yup, some of these kids are definitely gonna go far.
Anyways, we’ll get to the upcoming finals of Future Shock in a bit, but first, of course, the reason you’re here- time for some good old fashioned rankings.
Two wrestlers dropped from the list this week, hardly a surprise when you consider that the two are Ariel Shadows, who regretfully was released after Conviction, and Victoria Summers, who’s pretty much locked up the role of Tiny Tim in this years all-job squad production of A Christmas Carol. God bless us, everyone indeed.
Taking their place are the aforementioned four newcomers, along with three women who have returned after being bumped off the rankings list for various reasons. That swells the numbers to a Rose Jenkins-sized THIRTY-NINE wrestlers.
Which means if you have to go, you might wanna now, because Danny ain’t pulling this car over for NOTHIN’! So pop in your fave Offspring CD (Americana or Smash being good bets), crank it up, and lets COUNT IT DOWN!
#39- AMBER CROSS [NEW]
For the first time in a few weeks, Faith ain’t brining up the rear of the Power X train, thanks to her surprise victory over newcomer Amber Cross. Cross, at least until I get word that she’s been fired, can take her place for the time being.
#38- DESTINY LOVEHEART [-6]
Somehow, the vacant-staring Destiny Loveheart has managed to avoid the bottom yet AGAIN, althought it sure as hell ain’t for a lack of trying on her part. Honestly, when you’re known as ‘The Lesser Loveheart’, you know you’ve hit rock bottom.
#37- SKYE ESTRADA [Returning- Last Ranked 30th on May 1]
Skye’s a remarkable young lady, when you think about it. Not her amazing talent, because that’s right next to the tooth fairy on the list of shit that doesn’t exist. But it’s rather fascinating how, for all the money she has in the world, this woman can’t buy a win to save her life.
#36- NINA ASTRAL [NEW]
Wait... hang on. I should do this properly.
Let’s try this again.
#36- NINA BATTLEHEART ASTRAL [NEW]
I’m honestly not sure what’s worse: the beating she took at the hands of Valerie Belmont, or the fact that her middle name sounds like a rejected Care Bear. Then again, getting her stomach to shoot a ray of light that would force people to actually give a shit about her is probably the only hope she’s got.
#35- TRACI LOVEHEART [-2]
So now, in the horrors of all horrors, the Lovehearts are actually going to team together. Which means infighting amongst the inbreds. Which means an easy win for Whit and Gretchen. Not that Pwn3d! would have had any problems with those two if they were the best of friends.
#34- SYD ASHLEY [RETURNING- Last Ranked 28th on May 1]
Syd put up a decent effort against a larger, tougher, meaner woman like Rose Jenkins, but came up just a little (actually, quite a bit) short.
#33- JENNA MCKINLEY [-11]
Not sure if Jenna’s still with us, although I haven’t heard anything either way. And eleven spot slide is rare for a week off, but let’s be honest. Its not like anyone really missed her during the hiatus.
#32- FAITH [+3]
Faith becomes the first person in the Power X to move up, and she does it with style, offing Amber Cross in what could be considered a surprise win. But before everyone starts thinking Faith is back and better than ever, just remember- even a broken clock is right twice a day.
#31- MICHELLE TAYLOR [-1]
Brace yourself, kids. Michelle’s off the shows for the second cycle in a row, which means one more, and SHE’S OFF THE RANKINGS! Oh, what a horrible way to say goodbye to the absolute worst Television Champion in FFW history.
#30- JO MCFARLANE [NEW]
There always seems to be a point in these rankings where the list immediately goes from wastes of oxygen with no shot in hell of ever doing anything worthwhile, to promising wrestlers who just haven’t quite gotten all the pieces put together yet. Considering she just had her first official match, Jo obviously falls into the latter category. The future is bright for this young lady- provided she can keep herself out of the hospital.
#29- WHITLEY MERCER [-3]
Whitley is unfortunately one of those wrestlers that just seems to have gotten lost in the cracks. There’s nothing horrible about her, but when the only thing I’ve seen from her is a strong losing effort against Kaitlynn Stryfe over a month ago, well, that ain’t gonna get you too high. Luckily, Whitley’s back in the ring at the next Breaking Point, teaming up with Gretch, but considering her opponents are two of the worst in the company, any victory is going to be far from impressive.
#28- SHANE SANDERS [-3]
After three weeks of fuming, Shane’s gotten what she’s wanted- a rematch against Rori Snyder come Unstoppable 2, in a Falls Count Anywhere contest. But now the challenge is- Shane’s gotta deliver the goods. The first loss to Rori was excusable. The second one won’t be.
#27- LUMINA FERRARI [-1]
Not a good fortnight for poor Lumina. Obviously, she really wants no part in Moxie’s constant disparaging of FFW, but its a rare breed that can control Johnny Moxie. Throw in a loss to Katherine Stryfe, and the fact that the behemoth known as Rose Jenkins wants her dead, and things can’t be too bright from her point of view.
#26- BELLADONNA [-9]
This is actually a bummer. Belladonna’s sunk so low, it’s kinda hard to kick her without stubbing your toe. But four losses in five matches, the latest coming to Payton St. Pierre, is all the explanation needed for putting her here.
#25- GRETCHEN DONIMARI [-1]
Everything about Gretchen says that this is a talent that’s ready to just blow-up at any minute. With better partners, that moment could have been Conviction, but unfortunately, Gretch ended up walking away disappointed. She’s got two matches on the dockett now, and while Pwn3d! taking on the Lovehearts is hardly a way to increase her stock, pulling out a big win over Shane Sanders could definitely turn heads.
#24- HAYLEY DARK [Returning- Last Ranked 25th on May 1]
BOING! Has the FFW entered the Dark Ages? Well, a win over Skye Estrada is hardly anything to write home about, but Hayley’s gotten herself back into the ring- setting off this time as a singles competitor. And yes, she’s ranked above her ex-best friend. BOING!
#23- ROSE JENKINS [NEW]
Rose ain’t exactly FFW’s cutest, most fuckable superstar, but when it comes down to it, this is a wrestling company, and DAYUM, she can certainly do that. And you gotta admit, while Rose ain’t exactly a looker, she probably ends up walking out of matches a lot more attractive than most of her victims.. erm, opponents do.
#22- PAYTON ST. PIERRE [+1]
After two months of the most annoying shrill whining on the planet about how she was screwed to end Future Shock’s second season, Payton actually decided to get in the ring and wrestle. And I’ll be damned if she didn’t actually win- over Belladonna no less! But yes, we all know who PayPay REALLY wants- and it looks like she’s gonna get it at Unstoppable.
#21- RORI SNYDER [-1]
You gotta give Rori credit. While she’s still yet to show anything in the ring that even remotely resembles a major league-level wrestling talent, she’s managed to pretty much piss everyone off. She better be careful, though. Minimal talent, plus a couple of cheap wins, plus an absolutely irritating attitude tends to ultimately result in disaster. The kind of disaster that makes me point and laugh. Loudly.
#20- REBBECCA VALENTINE [+7]
*UNITY TAG TEAM CHAMPION*
After a couple of tough, dogged losses, Valentine proved to the world there was some toughness in her after all, leading her team to a huge win over Angelic S&D, and capturing the tag titles. I’m not sold on her being a top-tier talent yet, but this last match was certainly a step in the right direction.
#19- STARLA MCCLOUD [-5]
The Not-So-Good Doctor slides back a bit on attrition, but here’s the interesting question- just what is Starla’s position on her protege/rival Casey Atherton getting the last boot from Future Shock?
#18- CHARLOTTE GAGE [No Change]
Absolute heartbreaker for poor Charlie, who threw everything she possibly had at Sophie Richards, but came up short in large part thanks to the actions of one Payton St. Pierre. Still, the fact that the Danger Queens are the next contenders for the tag belts makes me excited- I think TEF might be one and done as champs.
#17- RAVEN WICKED [-4]
Big development with Raven this week, although being named the #1 contender for the UV title is hardly a surprise. The catch is- now Raven’t got a huge mountain to climb, in Camilla Pazzini. A victory at Unstoppable in the Prison of Punishment will be hard earned indeed.
#16- UNDINE [-4]
Tough night at Velocity for the Aquablonde, as she got absolutely NAILED by the returning Tara Thunder. Word on the street is that Undine’s not injured, but she seems to have been very quiet about the incident. That generally means there’s some serious trouble brewing.
#15- ROBBYN HELMSLEY [-4]
After a couple weeks of massive progress in both performance and attitude, Supergirl took a small step back at Velocity, being submitted by Kassandra in the six-femme match. Still, with a double-dose of matches in the coming weeks, first against Katherine Stryfe, then against Kassandra in a rematch, Robbyn has a huge chance to get the ball rolling in the right direction again.
#14- KASSANDRA [+7]
Hard to believe I actually had this girl ranked as low as 28th at one point. But I’m starting to see that first impressions aren’t always the correct ones, and Kassandra has been nothing short of amazing in her matches since the Danger Queens loss in the semifinals of the Unity tournament. With the Chase for the Crown still going, AND the DQ’s being named number one contenders, Kassandra’s got her hands in a lot of pots as we head towards Unstoppable!
#13- DELILAH [-4]
It just goes to show that even the best of teams are ultimately beatable, but man, what a lousy time to have a bad night for Angelic S&D. Still, if I were to lay odds on who the first TWO-TIME tag champs are gonna be, it would have to be them.
#12- WENDY BRIESE [+4]
Wendy’s slowly but surely getting notice in the FFW ranks, which makes me a happy panda. And with the second round of the Chase for the Crown being held in her hometown, you can bet that Wendy’s definitely going to be leaving nothing out there come Velocity.
#11- CRYSTAL HILTON [+4]
Like all the girls remaining in the Chase, Crystal has done well in using the tournament as a vehicle to increase her stock in FFW. Not that she actually needs to try to be noticed, of course. Everyone notices Crystal Hilton!
#10- SELINA [-3]
Like her sister, the Archangel has to be reeling after the shocking end to their short tag-title reigns. But also like her sister- while Selina might be down, she sure as hell ain’t out. Barring a chance at the TV or UV titles, its a fair bet that Angelic Cindy will be back challenging for the Unity belts soon!
#9- KATHERINE STRYFE [+10]
*UNITY TAG CHAMPION*
After Kat’s miserably failed attempt to ‘liberate’ the Ultraviolence Division, it looks like she managed to succeed in ‘saving’ the Tag Division. At least in her mind. All jokes aside, Stryfe had a hell of a week, and got back a lot of the momentum she lost in her pre-Conviction slide.
#8- VALERIE BELMONT [+2]
Believe it or not, kind of a disappointing outing for Valerie at the last outing. Namely- Nina Astral actually survived the match with her internal organs intact. C’mon Val! We expect better!
#7- SOPHIE RICHARDS [+1]
*TELEVISION CHAMPION*
I’d say Sophie owes PayPay some dinner after that gift-wrap, but let’s be honest, Sophie neither wanted nor needed the help. Still, she becomes just the second woman to retain the TV belt, and that means that her inevitable collision with St. Pierre is still on track.
#6- STACEY MACKENZIE [No Change]
Odd for a top 10 wrestler, there just ain’t much to say about Stacey at the moment. After a solid outing at Conviction, she’s yet to appear in the ring. Which is probably fortunate for anyone who would have had to face her.
#5- COLLEEN [-2]
*EVOLUTION CHAMPION*
Tough to drop Colleen too far, despite her team losing at Velocity. Regardless of what she might think of me, there’s no denying that this woman is one of the most dedicated and talented wrestlers on the roster. And I think its safe to say that once someone brings her down for that Evo title, there’s no need for Colleen to ever go for it again- she’ll have a higher calling for certain.
#4- KAITLYNN STRYFE [+1]
With the Elimination Chamber match looming at Conviction, speculation as to whom the other four entrants will be has begun. I say look no further than Kitty Mac- she’s more than qualified herself to enter the Chamber.
#3- CAMILLA PAZZINI [+1]
*ULTRAVIOLENCE CHAMPION*
Chunks has to be licking her lips at the prospect of facing Raven Wicked in a Prison of Punishment match, but she’s got bigger (and balder!) fish to deal with first. Colleen wants revenge- and with the opportunity being in a last man standing match, Camilla better be on her guard.
#2- You know what? Screw it. This has to be done.
#1 (tie)- ISABELLA PAZZINI [+1]
This is my column, bitches. I do what I want!
#1 (tie)- SCARLETT KINCAID [No Change]
*FFW CHAMPION*
Next week, Izzy will be back to her rightful number two spot, but come on, is there any reason this shouldn’t happen this week? I mean, that championship match was every bit of sorts of amazing, but the fact that we didn’t get a clear winner was a flat-out bummer, and FUCK the network. Its a shame the next time these two face, it’s gonna be with four other women gunning for their heads, because this is a rivalry that needs to be settled.
And there we go. Of course, bitches, whines, and complaints are more than welcome, as are comments below. Not that the good members of the FFW Roster leave any. Assholes!
FUTURE SHOCK THERAPY
Due to the odd scheduling that PPV’s seem to bring to FFW, three weeks have passed since my last column, which means instead of writing this on the heels of the last challenge, I’m writing it on the heels of the voting period after. Still, for those of you who missed Eppy 4, it was a go-kart race, officiated by none other than my boy Terrence Thompson. Poorly officiated, mind you, but officiated nonetheless.
Anyways, here’s the summary: Green flag, Ally takes the lead, Casey drives like a bitch, it backfires, Alex cheats in response, Christian cheats in response to THAT,. both girls fuck each other over (again!) and Kelly Allen wins. ‘Nuff said.
Then the voting comes down, and well, its Casey Atherton getting the boot. Probably the right call, considering that Casey hasn’t made any friends at all around here, but lets’ be honest, of the last three, she was by FAR the most entertaining. I mean, cheatings common in this sport, but there aren’t many like Atherton who are so amazingly brazen about it.
Anyways, that leaves Kelly Allen and Alyson Summers in the Jailbreak match to determine the next Future Shock champion. Considering that in my initial depth chart rankings I had Kelly 3rd, and Aly 5th, that’s quite a surprise. But congrats to the two for getting this far. As for the match itself, while every bit of me is screamign that Kelly’s got this shit in the BAG, something very strongly tells me that Alyson is gonna pull the upset, and Club CK will get yet another TV title contender.
Seriously, the line forms behind Hayley, club CKers!
Anyways, best of luck to both girls, lookin’ forward to the finale.
Oh, and Season 4 is already in the works, with one Shocker already being announced. In the Knight family’s quest to surpass the Lovehearts as the most annoying wrestling family on the planet, Deven Knight enters. Hopefully the other seven (yup, there’s gonna be eight next season!) will have a bit more promise.
LOOKING AHEAD
Two shows coming up, ten matches in between them, and some of them look pretty damn groovy. As usual, I’ve picked my top 5-
5. #23 Rose Jenkins vs. #36 Nina Battleheart Astral
Not exactly the most high-profile competitve match out there, but lets be honest- what Rose did to Nina at Conviction was pure awesomeness. So hopefully, what she does in a sanctioned match is going to be even more pure awesomeness. If Battleheart is going to perfect the Care Bear Stare, she better do it friggin’ quick, because Rosie is a-coming!
WINNER: Rose Jenkins. And Samantha Star. And the Fans. Pretty much everyone but Nina and her cracked-out psychomom are gonna win here.
4. #9 Katherine Stryfe vs. #15 Robbyn Helmsley
Two of the most up and down wrestlers on the roster collide here. Seriously, just when you think one is getting momentum, they take a slide back, and just when you think one has jumped the shark, they manage to turn it around. Still, this should be a solid match, and with Kat Stryfe coming off of two huge matches, you’d think the momentum would be with her. But like I said, momentum either way has never seemed to affect these two at all.
WINNER: Helmsley
3. #1 Isabella Pazzini vs. Amy
Is this match even gonna happen? Signs are kinda pointing to ‘no’ after Isabella carved Amy up like she did Rori Snyder. Although I’m electing to withhold sympathy for Amy until I’m certain that Isabella doesn’t have some magic property to turn whoever she attacks into a raging cuntrag. Still, the face? That ain’t cool. If Amy makes it back, this is gonna be one nasty nasty match. But i’m gonna go with the Diva here.
WINNER: Izzy Pizzy.
2. CHASE FOR THE CROWN ROUND 2: #11 Crystal Hilton vs. #12 Wendy Briese vs. #14 Kassandra
There’s two winners here- one person gets eliminated, and to the best of my knowledge, there’s no difference in outcome whether you make the pin or not. Two weeks ago, the odd girl out was obvious- Kassandra, although her recent performances means that’s hardly the case anymore. Any one of these three girls could be in for a huge disappointment Thursday. I don’t see Wendy losing- especially in Indianapolis. And I’ve gotten the impression that Crystal’s been holding back so far, which is kinda scary if you think about it. And besides, Kassandra’s already got herself a tag title match at Unstoppable, so fuck her!
ADVANCING: Hilton, Briese
1. LAST FEMME STANDING: #3 Camilla Pazzini vs. #5 Colleen
Obvious #1 pick here, as this is a hugely anticipated rematch. First go-round ended in a victory for Chunks, although it was tainted thanks to shitty officiating. This time, the only way this match could be fucked up is if the ref forgets how to count to ten... something I’m not entirely ruling out, mind you. The LFS rules favor Camilla, IMO, but I’m sure Colleen knows how to knock a girl out, and you know she WANTS this. I’ll give it to her, on paper.
WINNER: Colleen
AWARDS
Alright, now that the Power X is fully ingrained into your psyche as the end-all be all source for FFW analysis, its time to start having fun around here. The truth is, while the awards are looked forward to, sometimes, they’re the biggest pain in the ass to write, especially if you do it every freakin’ column. So I came up with a remedy a while ago, that not only gets the kudos out, it stirs the pot a little bit. So, each column (save for those after PPVs), I’m going to hand this portion of the column over to another FFW personality, and let them give THEIR take on the matters.
This week goes to the lovely, and currently undefeated Television Champion Sophie Richards. Sophie and I worked well together on the set of her show before Conviction, and I was amused by her opinions on various members of the roster. So why not let Sophie get the first crack at it? So take it away, Champ!
=======================
I would just like to thank Daniel for appearing on my show a few weeks back, and helping to expose the petulant fraud known as Belladonna for who she really is. As a result, it is an honour and a privilege to be the first FFW roster member to give out awards for this fantastic column, the Power-X! So let’s get to it!
MATCH OF THE WEEK
Scarlett Kincaid vs. Isabella Pazzini
Honestly, what were you expecting? These two showed, once again, why they are the two top stars in FFW. This was a back and forth match, full of excitement, drama, shenanigans, and near falls. The controversial ending, with both women managing to pin each other at the same time (something I’ve never seen before) only served to make this match even more memorable, and left us all with the feeling that this rivalry isn’t going to end soon. If it ever does.
Pollaski’s Runners Up:
- Sophie Richards vs. Charlie Gage (Phenomenal effort by both women, and its a shame it got wrecked by Payton)
- Briese/Hilton/Kassandra vs. Colleen/Helmsley/Undine (Both teams held up, which was a miracle, and the action was amazingly fast paced and furious.)
WINNERS OF THE WEEK
The Eternal Flame
Revenge is sweet, they say. Well Katherine & Rebbecca certainly would have felt pretty sweet after this rematch victory against Angelic S&D, who beat them to win the then vacant belts only three weeks earlier. It seems that The Eternal Flame has put their recent poor streak behind them, and now must be looking to the future with a positive tint. But they need to beware... the Danger Queens lurk on the horizon!
Pollaski’s Runners Up:
- Payton St. Pierre (huge momentum building win for someone who really had none)
- Raven Wicked (She’s got the title shot she’s been hoping for. A lot of work to do, though.)
LOSER OF THE WEEK
Belladonna
Oh my, how the mighty have fallen. A terrible run of recent form for Belladonna has seen her stock tumble to almost rock bottom, and a clean defeat to the vile little upstart Payton St. Pierre just adds one hell of an exclamation point. Sure, Payton is tough, I should know, I’ve faced her enough times. But she’s also easy enough to outwit. Belladonna just looks like a shell, and I think she needs some time off to sort herself out. Looks like Hayley was right... she IS the superior Cherrybomb!
Pollaski’s Runners Up:
- Jo McFarlane (losing your debut sucks. Losing your debut via cheating sucks worse. Losing your debut by cheating and being put in the hospital as a result sucks major)
- Lumina Ferrari (Moxie can’t be happy with her for losing to Stryfe. Star can’t be happy with her for being with Moxie. Rose can’t be happy with her after Breaking point. That’s a few too many crosshairs for this woman to have on her)
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK
Payton St. Pierre
This was a toss up between her & Rori Snyder (rolls of quarters have no place in a wrestling ring) but in the end, I had to go for my own personal gripe. Not only did she act like a douche in her match against Belladonna, nearly throwing the whole thing away by shoving Alvin Shepherd around, but she then saw fit to interfere in MY match. Now I don’t care if she was trying to help me or not. You stay the hell out of my business. I hate your filthy black guts Payton, and in three weeks time... you’re going down. Bitch.
Pollaski’s Runner’s Up
- Isabella Pazzini (Izzy’s slowly turning FFW into her own little horror movie with all the slicin’ and dicin’.)
- Tara Thunder (Can’t anyone ever come back to FFW by bringing a gift basket?)
===================
Thanks to Sophie for the bit, and if you are an FFW wrestler, manager, or other major personality, and would like to do the awards for a week, I’m not that hard to find. It’ll be really interesting to hear the opinions of various people on the goings on around here.
And stay the fuck away from me, Herbie. I’m not picking you. Ever.
Anyways, thats it for today. I’ll see ya’ll in a couple weeks, for more rankings, more analysis, an overview of the Future Shock finale, and of course, another guest awards column!
Until that happy day...
POLLA OUT!
Daniel Pollaski is an freelance wrestling columnist, and the manager of Wendy Briese. He’d also just like to thank FFW management for hotshotting the Rose Jenkins/NBA grudge match. Thank God no one’s gonna actually have to pay to watch that.
I will do your awards next time, if you will allow it.
ReplyDeleteNicely written as usual Dan...figured I'd actually say that here for once. XD
ReplyDeleteAs a piece of advice...keep your eye out on Jo McFarlane within the upcoming weeks. She will be a force to be reckoned with...I guarantee it.