Hey kids!
Okay, before we go any further, you wont be seeing anything about Appalachian Wrestlings Gold Rush PPV, or the World Title Match. Unfortunately, Chance Wolfington wasnt quite satisfed with the buy rates, and hes hoping that holding off an analysis of the event might pique a few more curiosity buys for the replays. I will say it was an amazing show and to check it out when you get the chance.
Anyways, I am writing this from the beautiful and jubilant city of Indianapolis, Indiana! I was in Chicago last night, so I figured why not swing down and see my good friends Terrence and Wendy!
For those of you who have been wondering, the former 2x World Tag Team Champions are living happily here in Indy. Terrence is looking forward to racing season again, and he is set to return for his 4th season on the ASA circuit driving, what else, car #38! Wendy is the executive director of the Marion County Community Theater, and is hard at work preparing for their next performance, Annie Get Your Gun! The Birdz have a three year old daughter named Theresa, an absolutely delightful little girl who seems to have gotten her fathers brown hair, her mothers green eyes, and a great deal of energy from the both of them!
Both Birdz also want me to let the world know that there is no way in hell Peyton Manning is losing to Drew Brees.
It hasnt been a 100% comfortable evening, however, as the Birdz apparently have read Angus Skaalands blog, and they are not happy! No, they dont think Skaalands a worthless piece of shit... THEY BELIEVED HIM! And now they think I owe them T-shirt royalties!
Thanks, Cocklaand, thats just what I need.
However, Angus Skaaland isnt the only WWA name to have something to say about my column. Several WWA superstars dropped me a line about what they thought of the Power 50! Even better... Jimmy Ryley (#37) wasnt one of them!
Well start off with none other than the HOW ICON champion, Maximillian Kael! (#3)
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Your PARAGON, HOW ICON Champion, looks to top your list eventually. I understand that you love me, you have no reason to pretend to hate me.
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Cant really argue with that, but I gotta take Max Kael to task here. Why the HELL are you rolling a five pound ball when you go bowling? I mean, what, are you a six year old girl? Be a man...
Then again... if you'd have done that, Mark O'Neal WOULDNT be a man anymore. So.... how bout that date with your cousin?
Next up is Jake Donovan (#32), rising star in the AW.
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I am honored, truly honored to make the power 50 after my debut match in AW. To have such recognition makes the move from Japan back home to the states truly rewarding. In regards to the events after my match, I just want it known that after being rescued by the calvary from the renegade forces of Defiance Wrestling, I've pledge to be right there with the AW forces whenever Defiance dares stick their noses in AW buisness again and if it takes going over there to prove to Defiance that they do NOT own this allaince, then I will be there with the rest of the AW roster looking to drop any one of those bastards on thier heads. I only hope I can do my mentor proud. I know if he were still with us today, he'd be out there leading the charge to ride the WWA of such scum.
=======================
Wow.... paragraphs Jakey... and spell check.
I appreciate the comments though, and its nice that we do have some people in this alliance willing to fight off these Defiance, well, to quote my homeboy Ricky Taverna, "cumstains".
I actually became a little more acquainted with young Mr. Donovan over the weekend, when he got into a spot of trouble with the law (read: arrested by the Defiance security crew). I was all too happy to bail him out, of course-- with Mr. Wolfington's money.
Next up, Adrien Cochrane (#13)
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Haven't lost a match since November and I'm still loser of the week.
And for the record, I didn't just join the Bandits for protection. :P
Love and bullets, Adrien C
========================
1. Change "November" to "January 20"
2. Yes, you did.
3. Please dont give me love or bullets.
Just kidding, AC, you know I love ya. Keep fighting the good fight.
And last, and most definitely, utterly, beyond a shadow of a doubt least, we have Chris Cannon (#22)
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Yet another snub by a lame and unprofessional journalist...
Or should I say "Blogger". The day that you actually matter as a respected writer is the day that Adrien Cochrane becomes the WWA World Champion.
You know, I go by these sites just to laugh at the comments I receive and shake my head at idiots who think they know it all
You cut the cake of idiots who know absolutely nothing
Blog fail
======================
I mean like... what the hell. The ferocity of Cannons remarks lead me to three conclusions.
A. PMS
B. The UN imposed sanctions on Cannonada again.
C. He's nervous about his upcoming World Title shot.
Since Cannonada and the world title shot aren't, technically, real, we're going to go with choice "A".
Since when the hell was ranking a guy #22 a snub? You know how many people woulda killed to be #22? Look at the Power 50. Theres 28 of them on that list, and about fifty who didnt even make the goddamn thing at all.
As far as knowing everything... I dont. But I sure as hell know more than you.
Whining sesson- epic fail.
Still, thanks to everyone who sent comments. Keep em coming!
I got one more response, but from the credit I'm getting, you sure wouldn't know it.
See, in my column last week, I mentioned that WMW was making quite a gamble by sending Valora (#11) to DREAM for the Caged Hell match, with the argument that exposing their main champion like this puts the fed's credibility in jeopardy.
Two days later, (inferior) WMW blogger Jane Coughlin announces goodbye Valora, hello Kronin (#16).
Youre welcome, Wrestling Midwest. How about naming an arena after me? I mean, if Erites "lookie, I beat Ethan Cavanaugh!" Kallisten gets one, why not me?
And now, for some people wbo shoulda listened to me. Meet the Maurako family. Matteo, Mario, Mosé (#35), and... someone else... but I'm sure his name starts with M. Anyways, last week I gave my props to the family (and very nearly the douchebag of the week award), but consented only to put Mosé in the P-50. This week comes around, and the Maurakos come out against Twisted Reality...
... no Mosé.
And hunh. No win either. Let that be a lesson to you.
Okay... I've been trying to downplay this but...
Did you guys freaking see me on television? I was awesome! Of course, I was only at the PWX show to announce them as our newest member, but I had fun. Not to mention I was treated to a pretty damn good show, with the Revolution Rules, Graves-Pariah, and the main event all being standouts.
To my surprise, Terrence and Wendy watched the show as well, and they also enjoyed it. Wendy told me that she was especially impressed with the new Next Generation Champion Valerie Belmont. I guess she finds a kindrid spirit in fiery redheads who can hang with the guys, but Mrs. Belmont can now count the 3-time World Cruiserweight Champion amongst her growing legion of fans.
They also told me they didnt see a damn bit of the stretcher match that took place. Shame too, cause that thing was BRUTAL. Terrence says that PWX better re-air it! Wendy wasnt nearly as keen.
I also got to see a returning face last night. Brad Jackson, former WWA World Heavyweight Champion, is once again back in the alliance, having sailed in on the PWX ship. Welcome back, Brad!
Of course, PWX wasnt the only incoming asset to the alliance this week. Missouri Valley Wrestling enters into our "everything midwestern that isnt Illinois, Indiana, or Ohio" region.
Theres just something funny about the roster make-up. I cant quite put my finger on it though.
Just kidding, I'm not that dense. MVW is an all female fed, but dont let that fool you, some of these chicas are TOUGH. I have no doubt in my mind that the MVW can hang with our other regions.
I do have one issue here, though. Wheres the love for the Left Coast? The WWA used to dominate the Wild Wild West, with such great feds as the Wx3, Silver State Wrestling, and PNW. Now... nunca? Throw some love to the Wesside!
Well, a little bit of love is coming, with the Tag Wars, coming out of Las Vegas. The details of he first show just dropped his afternoon, so I havent had time too look at it, but you can bet the Wars will recieve some coverage next week!
Did I mention itll be Power 50 time again, too? Just making sure.
But back to my smiling visage on the televison screen. If you missed me at PWX, this Saturday you can catch me hanging out at the DREAM pay per view. This is an absolutely LOADED show, chock full of wrestling goodness.
The most talked about match heading in has got to be the Caged Hell match. Now, unfortunately, our two new regions dont seem to be sending anyone, but the other five, well, game on. In case you forgot...
Appalachian- CRIP
Defiance- Joe Drago (#24)
DREAM- Adrien Cochrane
High-Octane- Ryan Faze
Wrestling Midwest- Kronin
Now, Im not sure about Ryan Faze, as the ABS standout is coming out of a severe injury. To make things worse, he was blindsided by CRIP, over at the last HOW show. However, if Ryan is healthy, CRIP better watch out, or he might be BLOODed up real quick!
Sorry. That was horrid.
For the record, I'm going to go with Joe Drago to win this. After coming off a bullshit loss to Jimmy Kort this week, I think Joe is going to be one pissed off mofo.
Then, there is the main event, with Cancer Jiles (#6) and Doozer (#12) squaring off title for title. Now, Ive already predicted Jiles to win this, but the big question will be, do the Bandits come out of this still friends and partners? I know firsthand the strain facing a partner can put on a tag team, and the bond there today may be shattered tomorrow (see Rage, Pharaohs of, how they won the WWA tag titles).
One more noteworthy match on the card. Mike Polowy will face Talon to settle his contract dispute. Polowy wants out of DREAM, but the powers that be aren't so willing to let him go. If Polowy loses, hes bonded to DREAM for life! Hope Polowy remembers how to wrestle, because this is one match he can NOT throw!
Meanwhile, in Defiance this week, the brewing interfed war that Eric Dane kindled has been picking up. Or at least its been trying to. My opinion on the "Civil War" can be summed up in one eloquent sentence.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
Seriously. Eggings? Shitting on a desk? Whipped cream? Awful waffles? (and dont even get me started on how Aaron Vasquez (#4) managed to watch Nickelodeon while growing up gangsta on the streets of New York).
When the fuck did a war for control of the greatest alliance in wrestling history turn into the rush-week prank off? If I want that shit, I'll hang out with the Faze brothers.
Well, theres two people out there who at least still remember how to fight. I'm talking about Aceldama (#5) and Frank Dylan James. If you saw the end of Defiance, you saw these two men damn near tear the house down. It ended only when Aceldama lit the merchandise table on fire, and put that fat hillbilly lout through it. The best part was Angus crying. "Cut the feed! Cut the feed mommy! I dont wanna watch anymore!"
Fuck you Skaaland.
At least there was no cutting the feed on Monday Night, when Aceldama once again pummeled FDJ into unconsciousness. Actually, I was surprised there was a knockout, I figured James didnt have enough brain cells left to actually get hurt. Maybe the alcohol poisoning finally caught up with him.
Whats that now? HOW 6, Defiance 1? Maybe we should all stick to the pranks.
Actually, though, I found the HOFC card on the disappointing side. Maybe I approached it wrong. I tuned in to watch an MMA show, and I ended up getting a wrestling show that tried to pretend to be an MMA show. It was a noble attempt on HOWs part, but I think the concept was better than the execution. On a positive note, I have decided that the HOFC matches WILL count towards the Power 50.
Of course, that means Ill have to watch HOFC 2, so bittersweet.
Meanwhile, seemingly rising above the clusterfuck this alliance is becoming, sits Wrestling Midwest. Come on guys... the waters great!
Well, That Damn Awesome is becoming just that, as this stable is starting to run over all the competion. Valora, Umbrage (#33), Adam Pyre, and AWS Man (Im not saying the rest), stand at the threshold of turning Ohio into their own personal playground.
And two weeks ago I was saying that about the Daughters of Darkness. The momentum shifts here worse than a Browns playoff game.
You know, back when they happened.
This week, TDA faces two Daughters, along with Kronin and Ryven (#28). A win here, and they almost certainly have the WMW on the run.
Meanwhile, the Daughters of Darkness have their own problems. Drucilla (#30) faces off in a 3 on 1 handicapped against the Knight clan (cause those one on ones sure havent been working out for poor Damien). And are Amariie and Jade (#14) getting along yet?
Then, of course there's Father Nathan (#40), who last week vowed the destruction of the DoD. One problem.
Five daughters.
One Father.
Its like King Lear. But with ropes and turnbuckles.
Ive never believed God got involved in pro wrestling, but maybe Nathans got something here. At the very least, he might join TDA. Shit... I would pay to see that.
Whew... finally time to hand out some rewards.
MATCH OF THE WEEK
TAG TEAM MATCH: Southern Hospitality vs. The Foreshadowing
As much as I (deservedly) rag on Defiance, they have some tremendous matches. This was no exception, as both teams fought bitterly in a fast paced match. In the end, The Foreshadowing picked up the close win.
WINNER OF THE WEEK
Dawn McGill
Last week was a costume party for Miss McGill, as she got engaged to a guy in a parmilitary uniform, then lost to a guy dressed like a snake.
This week, McGill seemed to be about the accessories. Belts, to be exact. Two of them. First she stunned Tim Shipley to win the LSD Title in HOW, then she and partner Jackie Daniels beat the Angels of Death (the MVW tag team, not the AW wrestler... fuck thats gonna get confusing), to win the MVW tag belts.
Even better, the win came when former buddy Miss USA tried to take her out with a Patriot Missile, and Angel Casey got shoved in the way. Hows that for a good night?
LOSER OF THE WEEK
Michael DeNucci (#38)
So DeNucci practically threatened Mike Best to get him in a match against Kirsta Lewis, and then loses in 48 seconds? Ouch ouch ouch. Yeah, next time make sure the mike is on before you enter the ring, dumbass.
Then, to make things worse, he loses to Christopher America at HOFC, so now hes title less. Thats a bad week.
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK
David Black (#45)
As much as I like David Black, the shit he pulled on Tim Shipley (#21) about Roxie kissing Graystone (#18) was just a little uncool. I mean, if you watched it, it was a very platonic "thank you for not killing my boyfriend" peck on the cheek. But, it drove Shipley to pretty much murder Graystone.
Or did it?
Well, the way i see it, we have two suspects in the Graystone incident. First is Shipley, who at least thought he had a good motive. The second is Cobra, who claims he didnt do it (because hes just so trustworthy) But whvt the hell was a guy who wrestles in Dixie doing in Illinois on a night he didnt have a match?
Strange doings indeed, but Im sure itll all get sorted out.
I was going to start a new award, the clueless dipshit of the week, but I figured Bobby Dean would win it every week, so no bother.
By the way, check out the segment with Dean, Josias Solaine (#17), Bronson Box (#8), and Kazuma Fujita on the last Defiance show. You'll laugh your ass off.
So finalky, a special award.
THE ALEXANDERS TERRIBLE HORRIBLE AWFUL NO GOOD VERY BAD DAY AWARD
Wild
Lets sum up Wild's night at PWX's New Horizons, shall we?
1. Came out for inferno match against Jeremiah Belmont
2. Wrestled inferno match against Jeremiah Belmont
3. During match with Jeremiah Belmont, somehow managed to get himself atop the video screen
4. Doused in gasoline by Jeremiah Belmont
5. Set on fire by Jeremiah Belmont, effectively
6. Losing his match against Jeremiah Belmont
7. Thrown off video screen by Jeremiah Belmont
8. To crash through the stage below.
I dont care what kind of day you had, it wasnt worse than that
Terrence would like to point out that this is why he wrestled in a flame retardant racesuit. Cause that would have done him any good.
Okay kids, Ill be back home in The Berg on February 3rd, with an all new column.
Oh, and power 50. Look for MVW and PWX to represent better than Uncensored ever did
Until then
POLLA.......
OUT!
Daniel Pollaski is the former manager of the WhirlyBirdz and a columnist for wfwa-online.com. He will be submitting his resume to become commissioner of the babe fed tomorrow
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Issue #2- January 18, 2010
Hey kids.
Are you ready?
After DVRing , watching, and filling out my notebook with 12 WWA shows (including the WMW one NOBODY BOTHERED TO TELL ME ABOUT), I have inally finished my first list of the top 50 wrestlers this alliance has to offer.
Are you on it?
Okay, here are the rules for eligibility in this weeks Power 50.
1. You must have competed in a match in a WWA sanctioned region in 2010.
2. Due to AW's limited schedule this month, merely appearing at the autograph session on Jan. 1 gains eligibility.
Thats it.
In the future, eligibility rules will be-
1. Wrestlers in the Power 50 who have competed in the last two rankings cycles (4 weeks).
2. Wrestlers not in the Power 50 who have competed in the last rankings cycle (2 weeks)
3. Any exceptions that I choose to make at my discretion. This is MY column after all.
And finally, a couple more notes.
- Rankings are based entirely on my subjective opinion. I look at in-rin performance, quality of opponents, crowd approval/heat, and overall a wrestlers ability to distinguish themselves from the rest of the alliance.
-This is a singles only system. For the purpose of tag teams, each member is analyzed on an individual basis.
That being said, Saturday night, I combed my notebook, and made a list of all WWA wrestlers eligible for Power 50 consideration.
114.
I shit you not.
So after crying myself to sleep that night, I underwent the arduous task of trimming 64 wrestlers off this list. Needless to say, some decent names got left off, so, here's a list of wrestlers who garnered serious Power 50 consideration, but couldnt make the cut.
They are the Power Fif-DENIED.
Because I'm clever like that.
So without further ado, in no particular order
Abbie Miller (UC)
B.R. ELLIS (DREAM)
ADAM PYRE (WMW)
BOBBY DEAN (DEF)
GRIMOIRE (DREAM)
GRAS-DAWG (WMW)
RYAN FAZE (HOW)
GRIFFIN FAZE (HOW)
MIKE POLOWY (DREAM/HOW)
JUSTIN BROOKS (DEF)
CHRISTOPHER AMERICA (HOW)
NICK RIVERS (AW)
LEON BOOTH (DEF)
Sorry kids. Next issue is February 2nd, so plenty of time to work your way on.
Now, as my homeboy Bruce Buffer likes to say...
IIIIIIIITSS... TIME!!!!
Take a deep breath, kids.
Lets count 'em down!
50. MURU (DREAM)- Never mindin that his ring tights make him look like a cow (Moo-Ru?), this newcomer pulled off an impressive win in the TV title tournament. But can he get by Paradine?
49. JOHNNY LIGHTNING (DEF) *WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Already buying in to that life-long Team Danger mentality- why earn it when someone can just give it to you?
48. JIMMY KORT (DEF)- Results-wise, a no contest while on the dominant team in a handicapped match is a step up. Truthfully, if his chemistry with Justin Brooks clicks, both these men will rocket up the ladder.
47. TERRY SPRUHEN (DREAM)- Terry and partner Jared had a big letdown Wednesday night. Now the Grady's need to hold serve against the Maverick Express.
46. CASEY PIERRO-ZABOTEL (DREAM)- Scored an impressive win over Mike Polowy, but what was up with Polowy's "injury"? Charlie Blackwell will be a much tougher test.
45. DAVID BLACK (HOW)- So, uh... what DID he do with Roxie's panties?
44. THE SAM SKULL (DEF)- Big win for Skull in the newcomer 4-way, now he needs to keep it going in the eight man atomicos match. It'll be tough- his team is weaker by far.
43. VINCE WEBB, JR. (DEF)- I remember back in 2002 whe the Mid-South Syndicate wreaked havoc from California to Louisiana. Eight years later, the new generation seems to be carryin on the legacy.
42. NICK JOURNEY (AW)- I'm not quite sure I understand how the Gold Rush is exactly going down, but I dont need to to tell you that Journey has definite dark horse potential.
41. DARK (DREAM)- The Chicken Chokers missed a golden opportunity last week, but they do get a chance at a modicom of redemption his week as Dark takes on Doozer. The way the Egg Bandits are, a win is very possible.
40. FATHER NATHAN (WMW)- This man of the cloth might just have a prayer of taking Jade's shoot title.
39. KIRSTA LEWIS (HOW)- "The Hellcat" gets what she wants, a showdown against...
38. MICHAEL DENUCCI (HOW) *HOW HOFC CHAMPION*- But even with Christopher America refereeing, Lewis might have bitten off more than she chew.
37. JIMMY RYLEY (DREAM)- Yes, against my better judgement, Jimmy has a spot in the Power 50. I guarantee that in six months, I will look back on this and winder just what in the hell I was thinking.
36. MYSTIC (UC)- Just when I write a nice little bit about females gaining respect in wrestling, Uncensored just has to go and break out the dildos.
35. MOSÉ MAURAKO (HOW)- Right now, Mosé is the only Maurako in the P50, but within the next couple months, theres a good chance the whole freakin' family might be here.
34. STEPHEN GREER (DEF) *WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Greer's a top 15 talent thats been in a bit of a slump, but dont think the King of Pain will be down here long. Then again, with Johnny Lightning as his partner...
33. UMBRAGE (WMW)- Not a bad 2010 debut, teaming with Valora to down the Daughters of Darkness. Looks like a WMW tag title shot is next!
32. JAKE DONOVAN (AW)- Young, energetic, talented, and a protege of the late, great Ulfric. What's not to like abiut this guy?
31. DAVID K. SLAM II (UC)- He quietly netted himself a couple victories to start the year, but with all the pot, does he even remember them in the morning?
30. DRUSCILLA (WMW) *WMW ACE SUPERIOR CHAMPION*- Seriously... a ten minute time limit in the main event? Boo, WMW, boo!
29. CHRIS BLADEZ (DREAM)- Yo, Chris! Any way I can get in on your March Madness pool?
28. RYVEN (WMW)- *WMW TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Been a rough start of the year for Ryven. He better get it together when Valora and Umbrage come calling.
27. NATHAN PARADINE (DREAM)- Muru looms next on his target list, no way he wants to go down to a rookie for a second time in three weeks.
26. JXD (UC)- Um, dont burn this guy in effigy. You'll probably end up regretting it.
Whoo... halfway home! Lets keep on truckin!
25. ANGEL OF DEATH (AW)- One of the exceptions to the "compete in 2010 rule, AoD goes for, and by my count, wins the Atlantic Coast title next week.
24. JOE DRAGO (DEF)- Despite having a bonafide idiot for a manager, Drago has started to garner some momentum. A win at the Caged Hell match in DREAM will put him on everybody's radar.
23. HECATE (WMW)- *WMW HEARTLANDS CHAMPION*- So did Damien Knight pony up $10k for this match too? If so, our Greek Goddess might be hauling in some bling!
22. CHRIS CANNON (AW)- I'll give him his credit in the wrestlin department, but the only state this guys the head of is Denial.
21. SCOTTYWOOD (HOW) *HOW TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Despite his obvious lack of intellect in the energy drink department (Monster Khaos, baby!), I'm starting to like this guy. Shame Lee made him strip Frankie of the title.
20. TIM SHIPLEY (HOW)- *HOW LSD CHAMPION- Wow, that was a quick injury recovery. He hung with Max Kael and Aceldama in the cage, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. But that Graystone match was UG-LY!
19. CHARLIE BLACKWELL (DREAM)- Well, whaya know? Our nervous little newcomers gotten himself a pair of nice wins, a probable spot in he TV tournament semifinals, and a top 20 ranking.
18. GRAYSTONE (HOW)- Still not quite sure what to make of this guy. He seems almost Top 5 calibur, but I can just as easily see him sliding on out of here.
17. JOSIAS SOLAINE (DEF)- The plucky Hatian Redemption is riding high in 2010, but can he maintain focus after rhe events in his homeland this week.
On a side note, most of you have heard about the massive earthquake that struck Haiti this week. Between rampant poverty and a blatantly corrupt government, the Haitian people have been hard pressed for survival even before this horrible catastrophe. Please keep the Haitians in your prayers, and if you can afford to donate anything to help this desperate population, I would encourage you to do so.
Sorry, didnt mean to preach. Where was I?
16. KRONIN (WMW) *WMW TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Looks like hes going to be seeing a lot of Valora in the coming months- she going after his title his week, and an iron match for her title somewhere down the road.
15. SCAVENGER (UC)- *UNCENSORED PRIMO CHAMPION*- Surprising loss to Slam this week, he'd be top 10 otherwise.
14. JADE (WMW) *WMW SHOOT CHAMPION*- This deadly Chinese dragon is the newest member of the Daughters of Darkness, and is quickly becoming its best. But will growing tension between her and Amariie tear this group apart?
13. ADRIEN COCHRANE (AW/DREAM)- He looks the favorite to win the DREAM TV championship- if he stays healthy. See below for more details.
12. DOOZER (DREAM) *DREAM CHAMPION*; *DREAM TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- The first Egg Bandit to appear on this countdown, so I bet you can telk who I'm picking at Scrambled Dreams. Sorry, Dooze.
11. VALORA (WMW)- *WMW GREAT LAKES CHAMPION*- In my opinion, Wrestling Midwest is taking a huge risk by sending their top girl to DREAM. She'll be the only regional champion competin in the Caged Hell match, and if she's overclassed, thats a bad image for our Ohio region. Hecate, Jade, Kronin, or Ryven would have been safer choice.
Whew! Top 10!
10. D.R. KONGO (DEF)- Lost last week, then watched his friend get punked by Jimmy Kort and Justin Brooks. Honestly, I'm afraid of what this guys gonna do.
9. SIMON SPARROW (HOW)- Good win over Justin Decent (Ha! I just got that!), but Aceldama WRECKED him after the show. Worse, his #1 contendership is gone!
8. BRONSON BOX (DEF)- HUGE win over Kongo last week. This Scotsman might just now be the Champion's Carnival favorite. Bully!
7. WILL RIDGE (UC) *UNCENSORED BANNED CHAMPION*- The over the top cliched "Charlie Manson is my hero" mannerisms aside... THIS GUY IS NUTS! And mean... and dangerous... and brutal... and all kinds of bad things.
6. CANCER JILES (DREAM) *DREAM YOU CALL IT CHAMPION*;*DREAM TAG TEAM CHAMPION*;*HOW TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Wow, CCJ is wheeling in the gold! After being appointed Scottywood's partner by Mike Best, that brings Mr. Cool's shiny total to 3. The record (by my recollection) for most titles at once is four, held by James "Double Oh" Keiler back in 2004.
5. ACELDAMA (HOW) *HOW CHAMPION*- Aceldamas jumping right into things here in the WWA, calling out Eric Dane. Of course... Dane's such a gimp right now I could probably take him. But A for effort. PS- He should give the #1 contenders contract to David Black. Just trust me on this.
4. AARON VASQUEZ (DEF)- I'm calling it now... at some point in 2010, this guys winnin the world championship.
3. MAX KAEL (HOW) *HOW ICON CHAMPION*- I.... WANT to hate this guy so very badly. But... I... cant. Maybe I'll get a date with his cousin for saying that.
2. COBRA (DEF)- Time for one more prediction. January 25, 2010: Jormegund (or whatever) reigns supreme.
1. JACK AMETHYST (AW) *WORLD CHAMPION*- Look, I respect the hell out of Amethyst, but this man is just to battered and broken to win. Then again, if anyone's gonna win a World Title match with a broken arm, its Jack.
There! Done!
If you have a problem with these rankings, fuck off. Yiu can always prove me wrong in the ring.
However, I would always love questions or comments from all. Again, 3 ways to hit me up.
1. Leave a comment on my blog below.
2. Email (pollaski@gmail.com)
3. Private message @ WWA headquarters (address it to pollaski)
Stick around, kids. 3 more short orders of business here.
Earlier in the article, I criticized WMW for sending Valora, their champion, to compete in the Caged Hell match at Scrambled Dreams. I do believe that this needlessly places the reputation of WMW at risk. That being said... its a hell of a gutsy call by Valora and WMW management. Sooner or later every regional champion will have to prove themselves at an alliance wide level, I just think its too early to be doing so.
That being said,I'm rather disappointed Uncensored.has declined to send a delagate to this all important contest. If they want to be in this alliance and get noticed as such...
Wait... hang on, I'm getting breakng news here.
Well great. I just got word that as I'M FUCKING WRITING THIS that Uncensored has broken ties with the World Wrestling Alliance. I wish them well in all future endeavors, yada, yada, yada.
Well guess what... I'M NOT RE-DOING THIS FREAKING COLUMN! We'll leave the Uncensored people in as a lasting tribute to their memory, or my laziness, or something.
Alright, on to unpleasant bit of business #2.
I've invited everyone to shoot me comments and I'm happy to say that so far I've received a grand total of two.
Cancer Jiles said my last column was "prerty sweet, homie!" Thanks Cancer!
Now, onto Jimmy Ryley. Boy oh boy. In case you forgot, DREAMS little reject had this to say...
--------------------------------
Jimmy Riley said... Look, I get it, you've been in a cave for...uh, long enough that you're talking about ancient history like it still matters, but I assure you. My "Stop the WWA Coalition" will be in full force in no time, and the Egg Bandits are going to not only explode in yolky goodness when those Defiance guys show up, they're going to explode...when they have to face each other!
-------—--------------
I should point out that our little genius said this on January 13 at 8:00 pm pacific. Just a few hours earlier, this "Stop the WWA coalition", consisting entirely of himself, was ran out, in full force, by a group of teenagers!
I know Jimmy Ryley thinks he's awesome now because he beat Psymon in the third match on the card, and that's adorable. But since i use big words like "consisting" and "teenager", this column is really geared to a more intelligent crowd. So please, everyone. Leave comments. Send emails. Anything to give me an excuse to ignore this idiot!
One moe thing on Mister Ryley- why is he so obsessed with Defiance? Hes not on the roster. He hasnt been booked. Hell, I called Defiance offices (ugh)... THEY NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM! Yes, kids, Jimmy Ryley is spending hours and hours trying to promote a fed that wants nothing to do with him.
Speaking of Defiance, Angus Skankland had some choice words for me in his blog. Go check it out if your either bored or you havent gotten your proper FDA recommended daily allowance of bullshit yet.
All I'll say is this. If Angus, or Dane, or Frank Redneck Wright or whover wants me to go down south and tell them to their face what I think about their little "rebellion".
Youre paying for plane tickets, lodging, and food. Good food. Im not flying 2000 miles to eat grits out.of.a.goddamned roach coach.
Or just meet me in Florida on January 31. Ill be hitting up the pro bowl, then Scrambled Dreams
Finally, time for my weekly awards.
MATCH OF THE WEEK
Of the five WWA shows released this week- three: Defiance, Graveyard Shift, and Turmoil, ended in draws
Defiance and WMW both saw their main events end on ten minte time limit draws. Lame. Turmoil, however ended with an exciting cage match that only ended when all three men simultaneously leaving the cage and hitting the floor. As a result, Max Kael retained his Icon title over Aceldama and Tim Shipley, but all three men get credit for such a great match.
WINNER OF THE WEEK.
Johnny Lightning was coming off a loss to Josias Solaine, had a whopping 1 point in the Champions Carnival, and was probably about to be Jim Mora'd by Eric Dane. Next thing he knows, hes Greer's tag partner and half the World Tag Champions. Not a bad day.
LOSER OF THE WEEK
If our Winner of the Week won without winning a match, its only fair the loser of the week... well... lose without actually losing a match. In this case, Adrien Cochrane, who just joined with the Egg Bandits for protection. Now, the other two bandits, after egging both Eric Dane's arena and car, are facing off in a match that might just tear them apart. Thats leaving poor Adrien just a little bit exposed.
So of course, enter Kongo and Vasquez, on Danes specific orders to take Adriens testicles, place them in a wafle cone, and add sprinkles.
So basically, if they catch Adrien... ouch.
Big Ouch.
At least whenever Cochrane wins a title from then on out, hell be known as the first castradi champion!
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK
Were changing this one up here. Originally, it was to go to Mario Maurako, for his absolutely shameless mind-fucking of poor Bobbinette Carey
Instead, were gonna give it to Uncensored president Effing Holmes. Or Spyder Gainey. Or whoevers runnin the show over there. Way to be team players!
And finally, a special award.
BEST. FUCKING. PICTURE. EVER.
I will be the first to say that Groundhog Slay is the DUMBEST name for a pay per view. But check out the ad for the PPV. That knife weilding groundhog had me laughing for 10 minutes straight, and is now the wallpaper on my droid.
Seriously.
Ok, kids, thats it for this week. A new column wilk drop next week, with the next Power 50 (now with no Uncensored!) Dropping February 2.
Until then. I got my DVR and notebook at he ready.
POLLA OUT!
Dan Pollaski is the former manager of the WhirlyBirdz VHS, and a columnist for wfwa-online.com. He can be reached via email at pollaski@gmail.com. He also wants the two hours he spent watching Uncensored shows back.
Are you ready?
After DVRing , watching, and filling out my notebook with 12 WWA shows (including the WMW one NOBODY BOTHERED TO TELL ME ABOUT), I have inally finished my first list of the top 50 wrestlers this alliance has to offer.
Are you on it?
Okay, here are the rules for eligibility in this weeks Power 50.
1. You must have competed in a match in a WWA sanctioned region in 2010.
2. Due to AW's limited schedule this month, merely appearing at the autograph session on Jan. 1 gains eligibility.
Thats it.
In the future, eligibility rules will be-
1. Wrestlers in the Power 50 who have competed in the last two rankings cycles (4 weeks).
2. Wrestlers not in the Power 50 who have competed in the last rankings cycle (2 weeks)
3. Any exceptions that I choose to make at my discretion. This is MY column after all.
And finally, a couple more notes.
- Rankings are based entirely on my subjective opinion. I look at in-rin performance, quality of opponents, crowd approval/heat, and overall a wrestlers ability to distinguish themselves from the rest of the alliance.
-This is a singles only system. For the purpose of tag teams, each member is analyzed on an individual basis.
That being said, Saturday night, I combed my notebook, and made a list of all WWA wrestlers eligible for Power 50 consideration.
114.
I shit you not.
So after crying myself to sleep that night, I underwent the arduous task of trimming 64 wrestlers off this list. Needless to say, some decent names got left off, so, here's a list of wrestlers who garnered serious Power 50 consideration, but couldnt make the cut.
They are the Power Fif-DENIED.
Because I'm clever like that.
So without further ado, in no particular order
Abbie Miller (UC)
B.R. ELLIS (DREAM)
ADAM PYRE (WMW)
BOBBY DEAN (DEF)
GRIMOIRE (DREAM)
GRAS-DAWG (WMW)
RYAN FAZE (HOW)
GRIFFIN FAZE (HOW)
MIKE POLOWY (DREAM/HOW)
JUSTIN BROOKS (DEF)
CHRISTOPHER AMERICA (HOW)
NICK RIVERS (AW)
LEON BOOTH (DEF)
Sorry kids. Next issue is February 2nd, so plenty of time to work your way on.
Now, as my homeboy Bruce Buffer likes to say...
IIIIIIIITSS... TIME!!!!
Take a deep breath, kids.
Lets count 'em down!
50. MURU (DREAM)- Never mindin that his ring tights make him look like a cow (Moo-Ru?), this newcomer pulled off an impressive win in the TV title tournament. But can he get by Paradine?
49. JOHNNY LIGHTNING (DEF) *WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Already buying in to that life-long Team Danger mentality- why earn it when someone can just give it to you?
48. JIMMY KORT (DEF)- Results-wise, a no contest while on the dominant team in a handicapped match is a step up. Truthfully, if his chemistry with Justin Brooks clicks, both these men will rocket up the ladder.
47. TERRY SPRUHEN (DREAM)- Terry and partner Jared had a big letdown Wednesday night. Now the Grady's need to hold serve against the Maverick Express.
46. CASEY PIERRO-ZABOTEL (DREAM)- Scored an impressive win over Mike Polowy, but what was up with Polowy's "injury"? Charlie Blackwell will be a much tougher test.
45. DAVID BLACK (HOW)- So, uh... what DID he do with Roxie's panties?
44. THE SAM SKULL (DEF)- Big win for Skull in the newcomer 4-way, now he needs to keep it going in the eight man atomicos match. It'll be tough- his team is weaker by far.
43. VINCE WEBB, JR. (DEF)- I remember back in 2002 whe the Mid-South Syndicate wreaked havoc from California to Louisiana. Eight years later, the new generation seems to be carryin on the legacy.
42. NICK JOURNEY (AW)- I'm not quite sure I understand how the Gold Rush is exactly going down, but I dont need to to tell you that Journey has definite dark horse potential.
41. DARK (DREAM)- The Chicken Chokers missed a golden opportunity last week, but they do get a chance at a modicom of redemption his week as Dark takes on Doozer. The way the Egg Bandits are, a win is very possible.
40. FATHER NATHAN (WMW)- This man of the cloth might just have a prayer of taking Jade's shoot title.
39. KIRSTA LEWIS (HOW)- "The Hellcat" gets what she wants, a showdown against...
38. MICHAEL DENUCCI (HOW) *HOW HOFC CHAMPION*- But even with Christopher America refereeing, Lewis might have bitten off more than she chew.
37. JIMMY RYLEY (DREAM)- Yes, against my better judgement, Jimmy has a spot in the Power 50. I guarantee that in six months, I will look back on this and winder just what in the hell I was thinking.
36. MYSTIC (UC)- Just when I write a nice little bit about females gaining respect in wrestling, Uncensored just has to go and break out the dildos.
35. MOSÉ MAURAKO (HOW)- Right now, Mosé is the only Maurako in the P50, but within the next couple months, theres a good chance the whole freakin' family might be here.
34. STEPHEN GREER (DEF) *WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Greer's a top 15 talent thats been in a bit of a slump, but dont think the King of Pain will be down here long. Then again, with Johnny Lightning as his partner...
33. UMBRAGE (WMW)- Not a bad 2010 debut, teaming with Valora to down the Daughters of Darkness. Looks like a WMW tag title shot is next!
32. JAKE DONOVAN (AW)- Young, energetic, talented, and a protege of the late, great Ulfric. What's not to like abiut this guy?
31. DAVID K. SLAM II (UC)- He quietly netted himself a couple victories to start the year, but with all the pot, does he even remember them in the morning?
30. DRUSCILLA (WMW) *WMW ACE SUPERIOR CHAMPION*- Seriously... a ten minute time limit in the main event? Boo, WMW, boo!
29. CHRIS BLADEZ (DREAM)- Yo, Chris! Any way I can get in on your March Madness pool?
28. RYVEN (WMW)- *WMW TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Been a rough start of the year for Ryven. He better get it together when Valora and Umbrage come calling.
27. NATHAN PARADINE (DREAM)- Muru looms next on his target list, no way he wants to go down to a rookie for a second time in three weeks.
26. JXD (UC)- Um, dont burn this guy in effigy. You'll probably end up regretting it.
Whoo... halfway home! Lets keep on truckin!
25. ANGEL OF DEATH (AW)- One of the exceptions to the "compete in 2010 rule, AoD goes for, and by my count, wins the Atlantic Coast title next week.
24. JOE DRAGO (DEF)- Despite having a bonafide idiot for a manager, Drago has started to garner some momentum. A win at the Caged Hell match in DREAM will put him on everybody's radar.
23. HECATE (WMW)- *WMW HEARTLANDS CHAMPION*- So did Damien Knight pony up $10k for this match too? If so, our Greek Goddess might be hauling in some bling!
22. CHRIS CANNON (AW)- I'll give him his credit in the wrestlin department, but the only state this guys the head of is Denial.
21. SCOTTYWOOD (HOW) *HOW TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Despite his obvious lack of intellect in the energy drink department (Monster Khaos, baby!), I'm starting to like this guy. Shame Lee made him strip Frankie of the title.
20. TIM SHIPLEY (HOW)- *HOW LSD CHAMPION- Wow, that was a quick injury recovery. He hung with Max Kael and Aceldama in the cage, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. But that Graystone match was UG-LY!
19. CHARLIE BLACKWELL (DREAM)- Well, whaya know? Our nervous little newcomers gotten himself a pair of nice wins, a probable spot in he TV tournament semifinals, and a top 20 ranking.
18. GRAYSTONE (HOW)- Still not quite sure what to make of this guy. He seems almost Top 5 calibur, but I can just as easily see him sliding on out of here.
17. JOSIAS SOLAINE (DEF)- The plucky Hatian Redemption is riding high in 2010, but can he maintain focus after rhe events in his homeland this week.
On a side note, most of you have heard about the massive earthquake that struck Haiti this week. Between rampant poverty and a blatantly corrupt government, the Haitian people have been hard pressed for survival even before this horrible catastrophe. Please keep the Haitians in your prayers, and if you can afford to donate anything to help this desperate population, I would encourage you to do so.
Sorry, didnt mean to preach. Where was I?
16. KRONIN (WMW) *WMW TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Looks like hes going to be seeing a lot of Valora in the coming months- she going after his title his week, and an iron match for her title somewhere down the road.
15. SCAVENGER (UC)- *UNCENSORED PRIMO CHAMPION*- Surprising loss to Slam this week, he'd be top 10 otherwise.
14. JADE (WMW) *WMW SHOOT CHAMPION*- This deadly Chinese dragon is the newest member of the Daughters of Darkness, and is quickly becoming its best. But will growing tension between her and Amariie tear this group apart?
13. ADRIEN COCHRANE (AW/DREAM)- He looks the favorite to win the DREAM TV championship- if he stays healthy. See below for more details.
12. DOOZER (DREAM) *DREAM CHAMPION*; *DREAM TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- The first Egg Bandit to appear on this countdown, so I bet you can telk who I'm picking at Scrambled Dreams. Sorry, Dooze.
11. VALORA (WMW)- *WMW GREAT LAKES CHAMPION*- In my opinion, Wrestling Midwest is taking a huge risk by sending their top girl to DREAM. She'll be the only regional champion competin in the Caged Hell match, and if she's overclassed, thats a bad image for our Ohio region. Hecate, Jade, Kronin, or Ryven would have been safer choice.
Whew! Top 10!
10. D.R. KONGO (DEF)- Lost last week, then watched his friend get punked by Jimmy Kort and Justin Brooks. Honestly, I'm afraid of what this guys gonna do.
9. SIMON SPARROW (HOW)- Good win over Justin Decent (Ha! I just got that!), but Aceldama WRECKED him after the show. Worse, his #1 contendership is gone!
8. BRONSON BOX (DEF)- HUGE win over Kongo last week. This Scotsman might just now be the Champion's Carnival favorite. Bully!
7. WILL RIDGE (UC) *UNCENSORED BANNED CHAMPION*- The over the top cliched "Charlie Manson is my hero" mannerisms aside... THIS GUY IS NUTS! And mean... and dangerous... and brutal... and all kinds of bad things.
6. CANCER JILES (DREAM) *DREAM YOU CALL IT CHAMPION*;*DREAM TAG TEAM CHAMPION*;*HOW TAG TEAM CHAMPION*- Wow, CCJ is wheeling in the gold! After being appointed Scottywood's partner by Mike Best, that brings Mr. Cool's shiny total to 3. The record (by my recollection) for most titles at once is four, held by James "Double Oh" Keiler back in 2004.
5. ACELDAMA (HOW) *HOW CHAMPION*- Aceldamas jumping right into things here in the WWA, calling out Eric Dane. Of course... Dane's such a gimp right now I could probably take him. But A for effort. PS- He should give the #1 contenders contract to David Black. Just trust me on this.
4. AARON VASQUEZ (DEF)- I'm calling it now... at some point in 2010, this guys winnin the world championship.
3. MAX KAEL (HOW) *HOW ICON CHAMPION*- I.... WANT to hate this guy so very badly. But... I... cant. Maybe I'll get a date with his cousin for saying that.
2. COBRA (DEF)- Time for one more prediction. January 25, 2010: Jormegund (or whatever) reigns supreme.
1. JACK AMETHYST (AW) *WORLD CHAMPION*- Look, I respect the hell out of Amethyst, but this man is just to battered and broken to win. Then again, if anyone's gonna win a World Title match with a broken arm, its Jack.
There! Done!
If you have a problem with these rankings, fuck off. Yiu can always prove me wrong in the ring.
However, I would always love questions or comments from all. Again, 3 ways to hit me up.
1. Leave a comment on my blog below.
2. Email (pollaski@gmail.com)
3. Private message @ WWA headquarters (address it to pollaski)
Stick around, kids. 3 more short orders of business here.
Earlier in the article, I criticized WMW for sending Valora, their champion, to compete in the Caged Hell match at Scrambled Dreams. I do believe that this needlessly places the reputation of WMW at risk. That being said... its a hell of a gutsy call by Valora and WMW management. Sooner or later every regional champion will have to prove themselves at an alliance wide level, I just think its too early to be doing so.
That being said,I'm rather disappointed Uncensored.has declined to send a delagate to this all important contest. If they want to be in this alliance and get noticed as such...
Wait... hang on, I'm getting breakng news here.
Well great. I just got word that as I'M FUCKING WRITING THIS that Uncensored has broken ties with the World Wrestling Alliance. I wish them well in all future endeavors, yada, yada, yada.
Well guess what... I'M NOT RE-DOING THIS FREAKING COLUMN! We'll leave the Uncensored people in as a lasting tribute to their memory, or my laziness, or something.
Alright, on to unpleasant bit of business #2.
I've invited everyone to shoot me comments and I'm happy to say that so far I've received a grand total of two.
Cancer Jiles said my last column was "prerty sweet, homie!" Thanks Cancer!
Now, onto Jimmy Ryley. Boy oh boy. In case you forgot, DREAMS little reject had this to say...
--------------------------------
Jimmy Riley said... Look, I get it, you've been in a cave for...uh, long enough that you're talking about ancient history like it still matters, but I assure you. My "Stop the WWA Coalition" will be in full force in no time, and the Egg Bandits are going to not only explode in yolky goodness when those Defiance guys show up, they're going to explode...when they have to face each other!
-------—--------------
I should point out that our little genius said this on January 13 at 8:00 pm pacific. Just a few hours earlier, this "Stop the WWA coalition", consisting entirely of himself, was ran out, in full force, by a group of teenagers!
I know Jimmy Ryley thinks he's awesome now because he beat Psymon in the third match on the card, and that's adorable. But since i use big words like "consisting" and "teenager", this column is really geared to a more intelligent crowd. So please, everyone. Leave comments. Send emails. Anything to give me an excuse to ignore this idiot!
One moe thing on Mister Ryley- why is he so obsessed with Defiance? Hes not on the roster. He hasnt been booked. Hell, I called Defiance offices (ugh)... THEY NEVER EVEN HEARD OF HIM! Yes, kids, Jimmy Ryley is spending hours and hours trying to promote a fed that wants nothing to do with him.
Speaking of Defiance, Angus Skankland had some choice words for me in his blog. Go check it out if your either bored or you havent gotten your proper FDA recommended daily allowance of bullshit yet.
All I'll say is this. If Angus, or Dane, or Frank Redneck Wright or whover wants me to go down south and tell them to their face what I think about their little "rebellion".
Youre paying for plane tickets, lodging, and food. Good food. Im not flying 2000 miles to eat grits out.of.a.goddamned roach coach.
Or just meet me in Florida on January 31. Ill be hitting up the pro bowl, then Scrambled Dreams
Finally, time for my weekly awards.
MATCH OF THE WEEK
Of the five WWA shows released this week- three: Defiance, Graveyard Shift, and Turmoil, ended in draws
Defiance and WMW both saw their main events end on ten minte time limit draws. Lame. Turmoil, however ended with an exciting cage match that only ended when all three men simultaneously leaving the cage and hitting the floor. As a result, Max Kael retained his Icon title over Aceldama and Tim Shipley, but all three men get credit for such a great match.
WINNER OF THE WEEK.
Johnny Lightning was coming off a loss to Josias Solaine, had a whopping 1 point in the Champions Carnival, and was probably about to be Jim Mora'd by Eric Dane. Next thing he knows, hes Greer's tag partner and half the World Tag Champions. Not a bad day.
LOSER OF THE WEEK
If our Winner of the Week won without winning a match, its only fair the loser of the week... well... lose without actually losing a match. In this case, Adrien Cochrane, who just joined with the Egg Bandits for protection. Now, the other two bandits, after egging both Eric Dane's arena and car, are facing off in a match that might just tear them apart. Thats leaving poor Adrien just a little bit exposed.
So of course, enter Kongo and Vasquez, on Danes specific orders to take Adriens testicles, place them in a wafle cone, and add sprinkles.
So basically, if they catch Adrien... ouch.
Big Ouch.
At least whenever Cochrane wins a title from then on out, hell be known as the first castradi champion!
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK
Were changing this one up here. Originally, it was to go to Mario Maurako, for his absolutely shameless mind-fucking of poor Bobbinette Carey
Instead, were gonna give it to Uncensored president Effing Holmes. Or Spyder Gainey. Or whoevers runnin the show over there. Way to be team players!
And finally, a special award.
BEST. FUCKING. PICTURE. EVER.
I will be the first to say that Groundhog Slay is the DUMBEST name for a pay per view. But check out the ad for the PPV. That knife weilding groundhog had me laughing for 10 minutes straight, and is now the wallpaper on my droid.
Seriously.
Ok, kids, thats it for this week. A new column wilk drop next week, with the next Power 50 (now with no Uncensored!) Dropping February 2.
Until then. I got my DVR and notebook at he ready.
POLLA OUT!
Dan Pollaski is the former manager of the WhirlyBirdz VHS, and a columnist for wfwa-online.com. He can be reached via email at pollaski@gmail.com. He also wants the two hours he spent watching Uncensored shows back.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Issue #0- Introduction- January 4, 2010
Well, I'm sure none of you expected to see the namei of Daniel Pollaski in the WWA anytime soon. But the fact is... I'm here. You see, three days ago I was driving home after a hard days work when my cellphone rang.
215 area code. That's Philadelphia, you ignorant fucks.
My curiosity is piqued, so I answer. A man named Chance Wolfington is on the line. With a name like that, you'd think it would have to be some sort of insurance sales pitch... right?
Wrong-O.
I guess Mr. Wolfington is the latest in a long line of owners of the World Wrestling Alliance. And apparently,the alliance is at some sort of crossroads. The start of a new era, if you will. They are down on fan support, down on revenue, and looking to rebuild. And he needs good people to help promote the WWA and get some good light shed on them.
And why would he turn to me, you might ask?
Go to the WWA hall of fame, 2007 inductees. See the picture of the young man with unkempt brown hair and the redhead girl with the ponytail?
Those are the WhirlyBirdz. They're there because of me.
Now don't get me wrong, Terrence and Wendy are as talented as anyone who's ever stepped inside the squared-circle, and they have more heart and guts than the entire Uncensored roster put together. But do you honestly think that an exiled demo derby driver and his prude girlfriend could just walk in here and win every major title this alliance had to offer without some genius like me steering the truck?
Well, actually it was an RV... but I digress.
You saw me as their fun-loving, porn addicted, loudmouth braggart manager. But I was more. If the Birdz had a flaw... it was they were way too modest. They felt that their actions spoke louder than words. All fine in theory, but everyone knows if that was really true, Ryan Matthews and The Wizard would have never wrestled past the second match of the card. So I made sure those in charge knew what a selling force Terrence and Wendy were, and THATS what got them the big main event matches.
Which they won, of course.
That's why I am the greatest manager in the history of this alliance. And I never needed to say "daddy" every fourth word, either.
So with credentials like these, its only natural that Chance would ask me to do for his alliance what I did with the Birdz.
Just one teensy problem.
As far as I'm concerned, the World Wrestling Alliance, and all participants involved, can rot in the deepest, darkest, hottest pit of hell.
Terrence, Wendy, and I busted our asses there for three years. Our efforts lined the pockets of the WWA fat cats as we (ok... they) gave everything we had in matches against Kakuma, Ronin, SyNn, The Pharoahs of Rage, Ulfric, Jake Devins, Jonathan "Demise" Cross, Misty Xiao, and Victor Mandrake to name a few.
And then they kicked us aside, spit on our legacy, all because when they kicked the Bayou Wrestling Association out, we decided to remain loyal to our region. I You want to know why this place is now a shithole? Its because you kicked out the best goddamned region this aliance ever had. I'm just surprised its managed to not completely die over the past five years. Chance told me there was a new region, Defiance Wrestling, and they are tryin to ruin the WWA as we know it. I hope it happens.
At least I did, until I found out who's behind it.
Eric fucking Dane.
Let's go back five years. Almost to the day. Like I said, the BWA was THE region in the alliance. And do you know who was on top there?
World Heavyweight Champion Terrence Thompson
BWA Heavyweight Champion Wendy Briese.
But Team Danger couldn't abide not being in the spotlight. No, they just walked in, treating the WWA as their own personal playground. They wrecked matches... they beat up people, and ultimately they forced WWA management to issue an ultimatum to the BWA... control Team Danger, or leave.
Control a cancer like Eric Dane? Good luck with that.
So the BWA was kicked out, and the Birdz were forced to make a choice. Unfortunately, they chose the BWA. Team Danger's actions were getting more and more out of control, and we finally did something about it. After Team Danger nearly killed a man named Shadow Rider, we organized a coalition of other wrestlers, including our mortal enemy, Victor Mandrake, to stop Team Danger once and for all.
And then- poof! The BWA was gone, and we were all unemployed. Just like that. There's various accounts of what happened, but I think Greer, Walker and Dane realized the trouble they were getting into, and tried to find a way out without losing face.
The Birdz' careers never recovered. And they werent he only ones. Many westlers were so disillusioned by the BWA's demise they hung up their boots for good.
And Eric Dane? Like the snake he now champions, Dane slithered back to the WWA. I dont know what he's done the last five years, but looking at the state of things... nothing of benefit.
All of you in Defiance wrestling, you follow Dane as the Messiah, the man who will return the alliance to greatness? Give me a fucking break.
Eric Dane does not give a shit about anyone on the Defiance roster. Eric Dane does not give a shit about the WWA. Eric Dane does not give a shit about anyone but himself.
Dane is one of the reasons this Alliance has fallen, and I'm sure he damn well knows that. And yet, for one more run in the spotlight without ever doing any work, Eric leads a cult of Kool-Aid drinking southern rednecks into battle. Spare me.
In a month, Defiance wrestling will be destroyed. And Eric Dane will somehow crawl away from the ashes, to wait and plan his next grand entrance to ruin something else. But remember...Dane will never be the solution. He will always be the problem.
So I dont give a damn about Defiance. I dont give a damn about Appalachian. And I most certainly dont give a damn about DREAM, WMW, HOW, or Uncensored.
I do, however, give a damn about money, and Chance Wolfington is giving me a good amount to help salvage things around here. Which is why, in the end, I took him up on his offer.
So what will I be doing?
Back when I managed the Birdz, I thought it would be nice to let my team know where they stood in the scheme of things, so I compiled a list of the best 50 wrestlers in the alliance. Somehow, the lists got leaked to the general public, and I began to get a following. The powers that were got wind of it, and I began to do a bi-weekly version for wfwa-online.com.
The Power 50 wasn't official, but it was damned influential. Guys like Rune Archer, Wolf, Demise, and Jake Devins got their first major exposure due to the rankings, and I guarantee you Kevin Cage would have NEVER been world champion if not for glowing reviews from the Power 50.
And now it's coming back.
And boy, do I have my work cut out for me. Rankings are hard enough, but between these six regions I dont think there are 50 wrestlers good enough to make my list. And considering Dragon Jones, Evan Hurley, and Randy Treehugger made the cut, that should say something.
Seriously, what did you guys DO to this place?
Where's the Urufu?
Where's Joey Tesauro?
Where' Michael Lennox?
Where's Misty Xiao?
Or Ronin?
Or Bryan Smith?
Screw it... where is Victor Mandrake?
All gone, and this is who's left? The WWA World Title is being feuded over by a sun-baked Californian meth-head and a guy who dresses like a snake? These two jokers wouldn't have even gotten shots at the Double Crown in the old days. In fact, maybe we should bring the Double Crown back, and retire the World Title before it gets devalued any more.
And Team Danger's the tag champs? Have those jokers even defended the belts yet? If Greer and Walker have learned anything from Eric Dane, its that stalling = long title reigns. Try defending them five times in a WEEK, then get back to me.
Back to the original question- how the FUCK am I going to find 50 quality westlers in these six feds?
Well, a paycheck is a paycheck, so I'll try.
Mark your calendars, kids, for January 18th, 2010. That is when version 2.0 will shine the light on 50 of the most deserving wrestlers in this alliance. Until then, I'll be watching. My DVR is programmed, and I've made space on the hard drive. Yes, even for the shithole fed in Ohio.
Im bored, kids.
Time to entertain me.
215 area code. That's Philadelphia, you ignorant fucks.
My curiosity is piqued, so I answer. A man named Chance Wolfington is on the line. With a name like that, you'd think it would have to be some sort of insurance sales pitch... right?
Wrong-O.
I guess Mr. Wolfington is the latest in a long line of owners of the World Wrestling Alliance. And apparently,the alliance is at some sort of crossroads. The start of a new era, if you will. They are down on fan support, down on revenue, and looking to rebuild. And he needs good people to help promote the WWA and get some good light shed on them.
And why would he turn to me, you might ask?
Go to the WWA hall of fame, 2007 inductees. See the picture of the young man with unkempt brown hair and the redhead girl with the ponytail?
Those are the WhirlyBirdz. They're there because of me.
Now don't get me wrong, Terrence and Wendy are as talented as anyone who's ever stepped inside the squared-circle, and they have more heart and guts than the entire Uncensored roster put together. But do you honestly think that an exiled demo derby driver and his prude girlfriend could just walk in here and win every major title this alliance had to offer without some genius like me steering the truck?
Well, actually it was an RV... but I digress.
You saw me as their fun-loving, porn addicted, loudmouth braggart manager. But I was more. If the Birdz had a flaw... it was they were way too modest. They felt that their actions spoke louder than words. All fine in theory, but everyone knows if that was really true, Ryan Matthews and The Wizard would have never wrestled past the second match of the card. So I made sure those in charge knew what a selling force Terrence and Wendy were, and THATS what got them the big main event matches.
Which they won, of course.
That's why I am the greatest manager in the history of this alliance. And I never needed to say "daddy" every fourth word, either.
So with credentials like these, its only natural that Chance would ask me to do for his alliance what I did with the Birdz.
Just one teensy problem.
As far as I'm concerned, the World Wrestling Alliance, and all participants involved, can rot in the deepest, darkest, hottest pit of hell.
Terrence, Wendy, and I busted our asses there for three years. Our efforts lined the pockets of the WWA fat cats as we (ok... they) gave everything we had in matches against Kakuma, Ronin, SyNn, The Pharoahs of Rage, Ulfric, Jake Devins, Jonathan "Demise" Cross, Misty Xiao, and Victor Mandrake to name a few.
And then they kicked us aside, spit on our legacy, all because when they kicked the Bayou Wrestling Association out, we decided to remain loyal to our region. I You want to know why this place is now a shithole? Its because you kicked out the best goddamned region this aliance ever had. I'm just surprised its managed to not completely die over the past five years. Chance told me there was a new region, Defiance Wrestling, and they are tryin to ruin the WWA as we know it. I hope it happens.
At least I did, until I found out who's behind it.
Eric fucking Dane.
Let's go back five years. Almost to the day. Like I said, the BWA was THE region in the alliance. And do you know who was on top there?
World Heavyweight Champion Terrence Thompson
BWA Heavyweight Champion Wendy Briese.
But Team Danger couldn't abide not being in the spotlight. No, they just walked in, treating the WWA as their own personal playground. They wrecked matches... they beat up people, and ultimately they forced WWA management to issue an ultimatum to the BWA... control Team Danger, or leave.
Control a cancer like Eric Dane? Good luck with that.
So the BWA was kicked out, and the Birdz were forced to make a choice. Unfortunately, they chose the BWA. Team Danger's actions were getting more and more out of control, and we finally did something about it. After Team Danger nearly killed a man named Shadow Rider, we organized a coalition of other wrestlers, including our mortal enemy, Victor Mandrake, to stop Team Danger once and for all.
And then- poof! The BWA was gone, and we were all unemployed. Just like that. There's various accounts of what happened, but I think Greer, Walker and Dane realized the trouble they were getting into, and tried to find a way out without losing face.
The Birdz' careers never recovered. And they werent he only ones. Many westlers were so disillusioned by the BWA's demise they hung up their boots for good.
And Eric Dane? Like the snake he now champions, Dane slithered back to the WWA. I dont know what he's done the last five years, but looking at the state of things... nothing of benefit.
All of you in Defiance wrestling, you follow Dane as the Messiah, the man who will return the alliance to greatness? Give me a fucking break.
Eric Dane does not give a shit about anyone on the Defiance roster. Eric Dane does not give a shit about the WWA. Eric Dane does not give a shit about anyone but himself.
Dane is one of the reasons this Alliance has fallen, and I'm sure he damn well knows that. And yet, for one more run in the spotlight without ever doing any work, Eric leads a cult of Kool-Aid drinking southern rednecks into battle. Spare me.
In a month, Defiance wrestling will be destroyed. And Eric Dane will somehow crawl away from the ashes, to wait and plan his next grand entrance to ruin something else. But remember...Dane will never be the solution. He will always be the problem.
So I dont give a damn about Defiance. I dont give a damn about Appalachian. And I most certainly dont give a damn about DREAM, WMW, HOW, or Uncensored.
I do, however, give a damn about money, and Chance Wolfington is giving me a good amount to help salvage things around here. Which is why, in the end, I took him up on his offer.
So what will I be doing?
Back when I managed the Birdz, I thought it would be nice to let my team know where they stood in the scheme of things, so I compiled a list of the best 50 wrestlers in the alliance. Somehow, the lists got leaked to the general public, and I began to get a following. The powers that were got wind of it, and I began to do a bi-weekly version for wfwa-online.com.
The Power 50 wasn't official, but it was damned influential. Guys like Rune Archer, Wolf, Demise, and Jake Devins got their first major exposure due to the rankings, and I guarantee you Kevin Cage would have NEVER been world champion if not for glowing reviews from the Power 50.
And now it's coming back.
And boy, do I have my work cut out for me. Rankings are hard enough, but between these six regions I dont think there are 50 wrestlers good enough to make my list. And considering Dragon Jones, Evan Hurley, and Randy Treehugger made the cut, that should say something.
Seriously, what did you guys DO to this place?
Where's the Urufu?
Where's Joey Tesauro?
Where' Michael Lennox?
Where's Misty Xiao?
Or Ronin?
Or Bryan Smith?
Screw it... where is Victor Mandrake?
All gone, and this is who's left? The WWA World Title is being feuded over by a sun-baked Californian meth-head and a guy who dresses like a snake? These two jokers wouldn't have even gotten shots at the Double Crown in the old days. In fact, maybe we should bring the Double Crown back, and retire the World Title before it gets devalued any more.
And Team Danger's the tag champs? Have those jokers even defended the belts yet? If Greer and Walker have learned anything from Eric Dane, its that stalling = long title reigns. Try defending them five times in a WEEK, then get back to me.
Back to the original question- how the FUCK am I going to find 50 quality westlers in these six feds?
Well, a paycheck is a paycheck, so I'll try.
Mark your calendars, kids, for January 18th, 2010. That is when version 2.0 will shine the light on 50 of the most deserving wrestlers in this alliance. Until then, I'll be watching. My DVR is programmed, and I've made space on the hard drive. Yes, even for the shithole fed in Ohio.
Im bored, kids.
Time to entertain me.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Issue #1- January 11, 2010
POLLA TO THE PEOPLE ISSUE #001
Hey kids.
Surprised to see me again?
Well, yours truly was sitting at home, chillaxing and wondering how to spend all the new dinero I was getting for writing this WWA column, when an unfortunate reality set in.
Rent wasn't gonna wait until the 18th when the inagural Power 50 hit the stands and changed the WWA (not to mention my financial situation) forever.
So I did what any self-respecting American male would do. I called up my mom and asked for a loan.
No dice there. Thanks, Ma Pollaski!
So I called Chance Wolfington and asked for a payday advance. Mr. Wolfington told me, in much more eloquent terms, to go fuck myself. Gee, what a standuo guy. So I explained my situation, and Mr. Wolfington told me, with an amount of sympathy best quantified as "the number of brain cells in Chris Cannon's skull", told me that if I wanted more money, I needed to increase my work output.
So now I'm doing a weekly column instead of a biweekly one. I'll still be doing the power 50 every other week, as planned, but in between you'll get my fabulous insights on the overall workings of the alliance.
I actually didn't plan on paying too much attention to the shows thiss week,, given that A. Football was on, and B. I had a whole nother week to watch everything. But then two critical twists unfolded.
1. The aforementioned rent crisis
2. The football games kinda sucked.
So instead of watching the Dallas Cowboys pull down their pants and piss all over the carcass of the Eagles, I watched hit WWA action. Well, hotter than a 34-14 romp,, which isn't saying much.
Goddamn I miss the Seahawks.
Every fed in the alliance shot out a show this week (except for, of course, Defiance, who would rather ruin other promotions shows than actually make one of their own.
So I went out and splurged on a spiffy new notebook so I can write my thoughts as I watch the shows, and already its filling up. Hell, DREAM's Slaughter XXXI took up 5 pages alone. And after writing "Cancer Jiles" seventeen times, I can only conclude that his parents named him that out of hatred.
That being said, Jiles and his partner Doozer seem to have quite the racket going in DREAM. Both men hold he the singles belts the region has to offer, and combined, the Egg Bandits make up the DREAM tag team champions. So until this upcoming Television Championship gets decided, the EGG bandits hold EVERY title DREAM has to offer. Thats what I call a stranglehold!
Speaking of the Television Championship tournament, here's a math lesson for the guy who's booking the DREAM matches.
You have 7 first round matches, you have two wrestlers getting first round byes. That makes 9.
Why not make Force and Bishop Steele face each other, then you can have a nice, even sixteen man tournament? Or did I just fucking blow your mind?
Still, DREAM seems to be doing some good things. The upcoming three-way tag title match looks quite promising. You gotta think the Egg Bandits dug their own graves here. They were basically given carte blanche to choose their opponients, but instead of coming to a consensus on whether the Chicken Chokers or the Grady Bunch got the win, they decked both teams and let the match end in a no contest. Now they get to face both teams. If I managed the Grady's or the chokers, I would ally those teams to take out the Egg Bandits first, then decide the matter between ourselves. But I'm smart like that.
Of course, the Bandits do have an ace of their own in their hand- Adrien Cochrane, who has joined forces with the Bandits for protection.
And it looks like he's gonna need some.
If anyone saw AW's autograph session go down, you'd know that Cochrane was basically ran out the door by Aaron Vazquez and D.R. Kongo. Now, I'm not calling Cochrane a bitch here, and I know that if Vazquez and Kongk asked me to give up my seat, I would definitely consider the long-term health benefits of taking a walk. But inacticvity is just going to make these Defiance thugs think they can do anything without repercussions.
Cochrane did come back though, newfound friends in tow, so he did manage to save some face in the end. Does the appearance of the Egg Bandits mean that DREAM is allying themselves with AW? Not if Jimmy Ryley gets his way! Unfortunately, no one cares about Jimmy Ryley, so he won't.
The biggest question on AW's mind right now is what is up with Jack Amethyst? I mean, the WWA World Champion is nursing a broken arm, and yet, he's still fighting. Hell, during the AW-Defiance showdown at the end of the autograph session, absolutely NO ONE wanted a part of this nut!
Amethyst's willingness to fight through his injury shows in stark contrast to Tyrone Walker, who is out indefinitely.after receiving a boo-boo on his head. Of course, this means Team Danger geys to stall defending the tag titles AGAIN. Some thing just never change.
Still, when push comes to shove, (or worse, when Cobra comes to town on January 25) can the champ pull out a win with only three of his limbs functioning? Guts can only get you so far, and I have a feeling the World Heavyweight Title might be heading to Defiance in three weeks.
As far as Defiance goes, they remain the only organization to have not yet held a show in 2010. Who knows why, I guess interfereing in the AW show on the first sapped the talent's stregnth. I will say that the Champions Carnival is one interesting thing Defiance has going for it. Round 3 goes down Wednesday, so if you can sit through all of Eric Dane and Angus Skaaland's bullshit, give it a look.
Of course, the Champions Carnival pales in comparison to the behemoth known as the Lee Best Invitational, running in HOW from now until mid-March. The first round of the group stage is still going on, so give it a look on Thursdays.
The only thing I can't quite get is why HOW is sticking with the name. Its no secret that Lee Best is pretty much exiled from the HOW establishment, so why brother Mike allows his name to stay on one of wrestling's most prestigious tournaments is beyond me. As far as Lee goes, his criminal trial looms this week, and he seems to have absolutely zero support from the locker room. Only Max Kael seems to miss him, and lets face it, if Max Kael likes you, you're probably going to hell.
One other eyegrabber from Turmoil this week was the return of Graystone. Now I, of course, did not follow HOW in 2009, but sources tell me that Graystone was one badass MoFo. So I'm quite diappointed about how Graystone's match against Tim Shipley played out.
FORFEIT? You kidding me?
Obviously, I'm all for respect and sportsmanship, but COME ON! At least pin the motherfucker instead of letting his girlfriend throw in the towel! I'll give Shipley credit for trying to competee hurt, but when you step in those ropes, its no quarter, and this sappy display could hurt both men's careers. Graystone needs to find himself a happy medium- somewhere between monster and teddy bear.
Now, next week, get ready for one doozy of a brawl as all three HOW singles champions square off inside a steel cage. Not sure what exactly is up for grabs here, but my money is on Aceldama. I LIKE this guy- and I haven't even seen hom wrestle yet! Guess I just have a soft spot for guys who want to kick Eric Dane's ass
On the other side of the Hoosier state from HOW sits our Ohio fed, WMW (and I stil keep thinking that stands for White Mountain Wrestling) WMW just put out the first PPV of 2010, Blizzard. The #1 story coming out of Blizzard '10 has to be the domination of the Daughters of Darkness. The three Midwest secondary singles titles all belong to the DoD, as Hecate and Jade retained their titles, and Druscilla netted herself the Ace Superior Championship (and was one lucky draw away from getting the region's top belt). Not a bad night's work for the stable.
Even with an obvious schism growing in the ranks (specifically between Jade and Amariie), this deadly gang of sirens seem poised for big things in 2010.
On that note, I don't think I've ever seen this many females capable of competing on an alliance level. Not only are the Daughters of Darkness finding success, but another woman, Valora, now holds WMW's top prize. Add in HOW/UC's Kirsta Lewis and uncensored's, Mystic and more and more ladies are proving they can hang with the boys. I'm sure pioneers Black Widow, Wendy Briese, and Misty Xiao would be proud to see so many females finding success in the WWA.
Finalky, there's Uncensored. Now, while on the surface this looks like a glorified backyard fed, there seems to be some excelent talent here. Unfortunately, it seems longtime executive Spyder Gainey is finding himself pushed futher away. Now, I'm not a big Spyder fan (mainly because Eric Dane likes him) but what happened last week was pretty low. You dont go after families, but Will Ridge did just that. Luckily, Gainey has a chance for revenge.when he faces Ridge in a Taipei death match this week.
In more personal news, I'm pleased to announce that Chance Wolfington has agreed to get me airfare and tickets to some major WWA events. My first public appearance will be DREAM's upcoming PPV. Rumor has it there will be an inter-regional cage match in the works. More as this develops.
Finally, to end things here, I'm going to hand out some awards for the week.
MATCH OF THE WEEK
Several good contenders here, but I'm going to hand it to the Frostbite Brawl (WMW). These seven competitors gave it their all, and it was awesome to watch tbe comoetitors to struggle to bring down not one, but two titles under king of the mountain rules. In addition, both titles changed hands, with Valora trading up to the Great Lakes Championship, and Druscilla replacing her as the Ace Superior Champion. Congrats to everyone on an awesome match, and lets hope that this becomes a WMW tradition.
WINNER OF THE WEEK
Being the #1 contender to a belt is always good. Being #1 contender to the TITLE OF YOUR CHOICE is a coup many professional wrestlers would kill for. Simon Sparrow (HOW) is now in that enviable position after beating Chris CK on New Years Day. Sparrow seems to enjoy making everyone sweat, as he has now twice refused to name his target, but whoever he chooses is going to very much on the hot seat.
LOSER(s) OF THE WEEK
Losing sucks. Losing a title shot is worse, because you're left with a feeling of missed opportunity. But when another sacrifice is thrown in to boot... well, that sucks majorly. WMW's Jack Reynolds and Audrie McLaughlin both lost more than a potential gold belt this week. Reynolds is banned from the shoot division for an entire year! That's an eternity in a business where every night just might be the last of your career. Speaking of careers, does Audrie have one anymore? To get a shot at thr Heartland Championship, McLaughlin put her WMW contract on the line, and despite the appeals of retaining champion Hecate, it looks right now that Audrie is out of the WMW for good. No word yet on where either of these talented,but unfortunate wrestlers plan to go from here.
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK
This was a tough call. DR Kongo (DEF), Will Ridge (UC), Max Kael (HOW) and and Poncho (DREAM) all made decent claims, but this weeks winner goes to Jimmy Kort of Defiance wrestling. Given that Jimmy seems to embody what Defiance is all about, is there any doubt that this federation is on borrowed time?
Now, this isn't about Kort trying to take a chair to Kirsta Lewis, lost anyways, then cried about if on the newswire. The fact of the matter is, Jimmy Kort is the dumbest, sleaziest, most dangerous buffoon this alliance has seen. Its obvious he WANTS to help Defiance in their battle to tear down the WWA establishment, but I see this guy hurting the cause rather than helping it.
Case in point, the AW autograph show. Did Kort honestly think that going Dukes of Hazzard on a bunch of Pennsylvanians was going to raise Defiance's ratings by so much as a household? Genius. In fact, I cant look at Jimmy Kort without that "real men of genius" song from the Bud Light ads playing in my head. Maybe he should make that his entrance music.
Now, rumor has it that Eric Dane himself bailed Kort out of jail. I this is true (and it wouldn't surprise me one bit if it was), we can assume one of the following about Dane.
A. He doesn't realize how detrimental Kort is to his cause.
B. He secretly wants Defiance to fail
C. He's got a man-crush on Jimmy
D. He was trying to bail out Stephen Greer and got the wrong guy.
My bets on C.
If any one of our award winners would like to make an acceptance speech, write an email (or in Jimmy Kort's case, ask someone else to write an email for you), and fire it over to pollaski@gmail.com, or leave me a private message at WWA offices, and I'll make sure it gets into the next column. In fact, I would welcome questions or comments from just about anyone. Don't be shy- the worst that coukd happen is me making you look like a total jackass for the whole world to see!
Just remember kids, January 18th, and the inagural Power 50 drops. Until then, my DVR and notebook await at the ready.
POLLA OUT!
Daniel Pollaski is a columnist for wfwa-online.com. He can be reached at pollaski@gmail.com or on aim at Pollaskinator. He will never be caught dead on twitter, myspace, or facebook.
Hey kids.
Surprised to see me again?
Well, yours truly was sitting at home, chillaxing and wondering how to spend all the new dinero I was getting for writing this WWA column, when an unfortunate reality set in.
Rent wasn't gonna wait until the 18th when the inagural Power 50 hit the stands and changed the WWA (not to mention my financial situation) forever.
So I did what any self-respecting American male would do. I called up my mom and asked for a loan.
No dice there. Thanks, Ma Pollaski!
So I called Chance Wolfington and asked for a payday advance. Mr. Wolfington told me, in much more eloquent terms, to go fuck myself. Gee, what a standuo guy. So I explained my situation, and Mr. Wolfington told me, with an amount of sympathy best quantified as "the number of brain cells in Chris Cannon's skull", told me that if I wanted more money, I needed to increase my work output.
So now I'm doing a weekly column instead of a biweekly one. I'll still be doing the power 50 every other week, as planned, but in between you'll get my fabulous insights on the overall workings of the alliance.
I actually didn't plan on paying too much attention to the shows thiss week,, given that A. Football was on, and B. I had a whole nother week to watch everything. But then two critical twists unfolded.
1. The aforementioned rent crisis
2. The football games kinda sucked.
So instead of watching the Dallas Cowboys pull down their pants and piss all over the carcass of the Eagles, I watched hit WWA action. Well, hotter than a 34-14 romp,, which isn't saying much.
Goddamn I miss the Seahawks.
Every fed in the alliance shot out a show this week (except for, of course, Defiance, who would rather ruin other promotions shows than actually make one of their own.
So I went out and splurged on a spiffy new notebook so I can write my thoughts as I watch the shows, and already its filling up. Hell, DREAM's Slaughter XXXI took up 5 pages alone. And after writing "Cancer Jiles" seventeen times, I can only conclude that his parents named him that out of hatred.
That being said, Jiles and his partner Doozer seem to have quite the racket going in DREAM. Both men hold he the singles belts the region has to offer, and combined, the Egg Bandits make up the DREAM tag team champions. So until this upcoming Television Championship gets decided, the EGG bandits hold EVERY title DREAM has to offer. Thats what I call a stranglehold!
Speaking of the Television Championship tournament, here's a math lesson for the guy who's booking the DREAM matches.
You have 7 first round matches, you have two wrestlers getting first round byes. That makes 9.
Why not make Force and Bishop Steele face each other, then you can have a nice, even sixteen man tournament? Or did I just fucking blow your mind?
Still, DREAM seems to be doing some good things. The upcoming three-way tag title match looks quite promising. You gotta think the Egg Bandits dug their own graves here. They were basically given carte blanche to choose their opponients, but instead of coming to a consensus on whether the Chicken Chokers or the Grady Bunch got the win, they decked both teams and let the match end in a no contest. Now they get to face both teams. If I managed the Grady's or the chokers, I would ally those teams to take out the Egg Bandits first, then decide the matter between ourselves. But I'm smart like that.
Of course, the Bandits do have an ace of their own in their hand- Adrien Cochrane, who has joined forces with the Bandits for protection.
And it looks like he's gonna need some.
If anyone saw AW's autograph session go down, you'd know that Cochrane was basically ran out the door by Aaron Vazquez and D.R. Kongo. Now, I'm not calling Cochrane a bitch here, and I know that if Vazquez and Kongk asked me to give up my seat, I would definitely consider the long-term health benefits of taking a walk. But inacticvity is just going to make these Defiance thugs think they can do anything without repercussions.
Cochrane did come back though, newfound friends in tow, so he did manage to save some face in the end. Does the appearance of the Egg Bandits mean that DREAM is allying themselves with AW? Not if Jimmy Ryley gets his way! Unfortunately, no one cares about Jimmy Ryley, so he won't.
The biggest question on AW's mind right now is what is up with Jack Amethyst? I mean, the WWA World Champion is nursing a broken arm, and yet, he's still fighting. Hell, during the AW-Defiance showdown at the end of the autograph session, absolutely NO ONE wanted a part of this nut!
Amethyst's willingness to fight through his injury shows in stark contrast to Tyrone Walker, who is out indefinitely.after receiving a boo-boo on his head. Of course, this means Team Danger geys to stall defending the tag titles AGAIN. Some thing just never change.
Still, when push comes to shove, (or worse, when Cobra comes to town on January 25) can the champ pull out a win with only three of his limbs functioning? Guts can only get you so far, and I have a feeling the World Heavyweight Title might be heading to Defiance in three weeks.
As far as Defiance goes, they remain the only organization to have not yet held a show in 2010. Who knows why, I guess interfereing in the AW show on the first sapped the talent's stregnth. I will say that the Champions Carnival is one interesting thing Defiance has going for it. Round 3 goes down Wednesday, so if you can sit through all of Eric Dane and Angus Skaaland's bullshit, give it a look.
Of course, the Champions Carnival pales in comparison to the behemoth known as the Lee Best Invitational, running in HOW from now until mid-March. The first round of the group stage is still going on, so give it a look on Thursdays.
The only thing I can't quite get is why HOW is sticking with the name. Its no secret that Lee Best is pretty much exiled from the HOW establishment, so why brother Mike allows his name to stay on one of wrestling's most prestigious tournaments is beyond me. As far as Lee goes, his criminal trial looms this week, and he seems to have absolutely zero support from the locker room. Only Max Kael seems to miss him, and lets face it, if Max Kael likes you, you're probably going to hell.
One other eyegrabber from Turmoil this week was the return of Graystone. Now I, of course, did not follow HOW in 2009, but sources tell me that Graystone was one badass MoFo. So I'm quite diappointed about how Graystone's match against Tim Shipley played out.
FORFEIT? You kidding me?
Obviously, I'm all for respect and sportsmanship, but COME ON! At least pin the motherfucker instead of letting his girlfriend throw in the towel! I'll give Shipley credit for trying to competee hurt, but when you step in those ropes, its no quarter, and this sappy display could hurt both men's careers. Graystone needs to find himself a happy medium- somewhere between monster and teddy bear.
Now, next week, get ready for one doozy of a brawl as all three HOW singles champions square off inside a steel cage. Not sure what exactly is up for grabs here, but my money is on Aceldama. I LIKE this guy- and I haven't even seen hom wrestle yet! Guess I just have a soft spot for guys who want to kick Eric Dane's ass
On the other side of the Hoosier state from HOW sits our Ohio fed, WMW (and I stil keep thinking that stands for White Mountain Wrestling) WMW just put out the first PPV of 2010, Blizzard. The #1 story coming out of Blizzard '10 has to be the domination of the Daughters of Darkness. The three Midwest secondary singles titles all belong to the DoD, as Hecate and Jade retained their titles, and Druscilla netted herself the Ace Superior Championship (and was one lucky draw away from getting the region's top belt). Not a bad night's work for the stable.
Even with an obvious schism growing in the ranks (specifically between Jade and Amariie), this deadly gang of sirens seem poised for big things in 2010.
On that note, I don't think I've ever seen this many females capable of competing on an alliance level. Not only are the Daughters of Darkness finding success, but another woman, Valora, now holds WMW's top prize. Add in HOW/UC's Kirsta Lewis and uncensored's, Mystic and more and more ladies are proving they can hang with the boys. I'm sure pioneers Black Widow, Wendy Briese, and Misty Xiao would be proud to see so many females finding success in the WWA.
Finalky, there's Uncensored. Now, while on the surface this looks like a glorified backyard fed, there seems to be some excelent talent here. Unfortunately, it seems longtime executive Spyder Gainey is finding himself pushed futher away. Now, I'm not a big Spyder fan (mainly because Eric Dane likes him) but what happened last week was pretty low. You dont go after families, but Will Ridge did just that. Luckily, Gainey has a chance for revenge.when he faces Ridge in a Taipei death match this week.
In more personal news, I'm pleased to announce that Chance Wolfington has agreed to get me airfare and tickets to some major WWA events. My first public appearance will be DREAM's upcoming PPV. Rumor has it there will be an inter-regional cage match in the works. More as this develops.
Finally, to end things here, I'm going to hand out some awards for the week.
MATCH OF THE WEEK
Several good contenders here, but I'm going to hand it to the Frostbite Brawl (WMW). These seven competitors gave it their all, and it was awesome to watch tbe comoetitors to struggle to bring down not one, but two titles under king of the mountain rules. In addition, both titles changed hands, with Valora trading up to the Great Lakes Championship, and Druscilla replacing her as the Ace Superior Champion. Congrats to everyone on an awesome match, and lets hope that this becomes a WMW tradition.
WINNER OF THE WEEK
Being the #1 contender to a belt is always good. Being #1 contender to the TITLE OF YOUR CHOICE is a coup many professional wrestlers would kill for. Simon Sparrow (HOW) is now in that enviable position after beating Chris CK on New Years Day. Sparrow seems to enjoy making everyone sweat, as he has now twice refused to name his target, but whoever he chooses is going to very much on the hot seat.
LOSER(s) OF THE WEEK
Losing sucks. Losing a title shot is worse, because you're left with a feeling of missed opportunity. But when another sacrifice is thrown in to boot... well, that sucks majorly. WMW's Jack Reynolds and Audrie McLaughlin both lost more than a potential gold belt this week. Reynolds is banned from the shoot division for an entire year! That's an eternity in a business where every night just might be the last of your career. Speaking of careers, does Audrie have one anymore? To get a shot at thr Heartland Championship, McLaughlin put her WMW contract on the line, and despite the appeals of retaining champion Hecate, it looks right now that Audrie is out of the WMW for good. No word yet on where either of these talented,but unfortunate wrestlers plan to go from here.
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK
This was a tough call. DR Kongo (DEF), Will Ridge (UC), Max Kael (HOW) and and Poncho (DREAM) all made decent claims, but this weeks winner goes to Jimmy Kort of Defiance wrestling. Given that Jimmy seems to embody what Defiance is all about, is there any doubt that this federation is on borrowed time?
Now, this isn't about Kort trying to take a chair to Kirsta Lewis, lost anyways, then cried about if on the newswire. The fact of the matter is, Jimmy Kort is the dumbest, sleaziest, most dangerous buffoon this alliance has seen. Its obvious he WANTS to help Defiance in their battle to tear down the WWA establishment, but I see this guy hurting the cause rather than helping it.
Case in point, the AW autograph show. Did Kort honestly think that going Dukes of Hazzard on a bunch of Pennsylvanians was going to raise Defiance's ratings by so much as a household? Genius. In fact, I cant look at Jimmy Kort without that "real men of genius" song from the Bud Light ads playing in my head. Maybe he should make that his entrance music.
Now, rumor has it that Eric Dane himself bailed Kort out of jail. I this is true (and it wouldn't surprise me one bit if it was), we can assume one of the following about Dane.
A. He doesn't realize how detrimental Kort is to his cause.
B. He secretly wants Defiance to fail
C. He's got a man-crush on Jimmy
D. He was trying to bail out Stephen Greer and got the wrong guy.
My bets on C.
If any one of our award winners would like to make an acceptance speech, write an email (or in Jimmy Kort's case, ask someone else to write an email for you), and fire it over to pollaski@gmail.com, or leave me a private message at WWA offices, and I'll make sure it gets into the next column. In fact, I would welcome questions or comments from just about anyone. Don't be shy- the worst that coukd happen is me making you look like a total jackass for the whole world to see!
Just remember kids, January 18th, and the inagural Power 50 drops. Until then, my DVR and notebook await at the ready.
POLLA OUT!
Daniel Pollaski is a columnist for wfwa-online.com. He can be reached at pollaski@gmail.com or on aim at Pollaskinator. He will never be caught dead on twitter, myspace, or facebook.
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