FOUR CORNERS: Future Shock Ascension 1.31.15 (Hoffman Estates, IL)

YOU'RE A REAL ASSHOLE, LINUS

So, Chicago… about last night.

Look, I know how it looks, with us clearing out after the show and all that, without even the courtesy of a good night kiss or walking you to your door.  I’m sure you’re wondering if you said something wrong, or if there was something with your breath, or something between your teeth.

So we’re just leaving you this message, just so things don’t get all weird.

You guys were great. You guys were awesome and fun, and super sweet, and… well, it’s not you, okay?

It’s Linus.

With Winter Storm Linus (Yeah, I don’t know why they name these things either) blanketing the Midwest, it was probably a record setting clearout for the FFW crew, the mass exodus forcing everyone out of the area and either to hopefully sunnier pastures, or down to Indianapolis.

Anyways, Chicago, we’ll send you some flowers.  Oh, and a four-corners, just for you

#1: THE SHADE ALSO RISES

So remember a couple of weeks ago when I pointed out that the Shades of the Sun’s Trios Titles days were over for the time being, and that their members were going have to focus on their singles runs for a while?

All three women just responded HUGE.

First was Alysson, who kickstarted her Evolution run with a solid win over Jodie Gray at Breaking Point.  Then came Valerie Lamb, who walked into the Louisiana Superdome and stunned hometown favorite Scarlett Kincaid.  And now the Shades have gold again- albeit a singles belt.

It could be argued that last night was the best match of Gabrielle’s career.  She was injured early, and suffered tremendously at the hands of Ignis, much of which wasn’t exactly legal.  And yet time and time again, she fought through the pain and debilitation, and continuing to put her soul and body on the line in an attempt to win back the belt she’d lost a year ago.  And in the end, against pretty much every single odd you could find to throw at her, she did it, and picked up the massive win.

It’s unfortunate that Ignis is such a bitch about losing, and managed to further injure poor Gaby’s arm in the aftermath of the match, thanks to her idiot husband Andy, no less.  And it’s damned lucky that Rhea Laskaris, who hasn’t been seen since freaking JULY, just happened to be around to run in and make the save so we didn’t end up with a one-armed champion.  

And while I’m sure Gaby’s disappointed her belt got stolen, it hardly matters.  She’s the champion, and a damn rightful and strong one at that, and she’s going to be pretty tough to get the belt (metaphorically) off of.

SO the rumors of the Shades demise has been grossly exaggerated it seems.  While they’re still not anywhere near challenging for a Trios title again in the near future, singles successes still add to the overall glory of a team, and the three wins each woman managed to pick up have to be both a unifier and confidence builder for the former champions.

#2: JO, JO, JO YOUR BOAT

Losing always sucks.  There’s no way around that.  But some losses are absolutely devastating, to the point of completely derailing careers, while others, not so much.  Jo McFarlane’s loss to Caroline Stark is so far in the latter category that it almost tilts into that dreaded “moral victory” zone.

Jo’s rise to the No Surrender Championship was as unlikely as it was meteoric.  It’s the first time ever that a Pick-Your-Poison cash-in just turned into a title match- at the behest of the champion no less.  As such, it’s pretty easy to dismiss her win at Anarchy as some sort of a fluke, an asspull of a victory that leaves McFarlane keeping the belt warm until someone else- a real submissionist, could swing by and claim it.

Jo might not have put that mindset to bed last night, but she at least got it into its pajamas and made it brush its teeth.  She just went toe to toe with Caroline Stark- arguably the best champion that division’s ever had, and more than held her own.  A win would have done wonders for her, but even in managing to get in the ring with Caroline and taking her to the limit (and producing what was undoubtedly the match of the night), she showed she stands up pretty well to the legendary submissionists the division has produced.

Obviously, Caroline could parlay that victory into a title shot of her own, but that seems unlikely to happen, as after holding the belt for nearly nine months, Stark’s more than likely preparing to graduate the division, and follow other former NS Champions Wendy Briese and Tara Thunder up to the big show. 

So no, Jo’s not the greatest No Surrender Champion in history, but neither was she thought or expected to be.  But last night proved she’s getting somewhere, and she’s going to have plenty of opportunities in the future to build that resume up. 

#3:MEGAN CARAWAY WILL WIN THE FUTURE SHOCK CUP

You ever heard of the fan-dumb?  Believe me, its there.  While the VAST majority of FFW fans are intelligent, articulated, well-spoken people, we do still have our share of complete dipshits who are incapable of a single coherent thought.  You see them at the shows- they’re the ones holding up a “NINA ASTRAL 4 LIFE” sign while thinking themselves clever.  You see them on ask.fm, where they attempt to hit on world-renowned virgin Mika Demidov.  And you see them on Twitter where they ask incredibly inane questions. Two of the common winners from last night:

WHAT ABOUT THE FUTURE SHOCK CUP FINALS?!

WHY IS MEGAN CARAWAY EVEN IN THIS!?

If you asked either of these questions, please drink a car battery.

The Future Shock Cup finals were never going to be last night.  I understand that this is the first time the Future Shock Cup finals weren’t on the same day as the preliminaries, and I understand that this is the fourth different format for the tournament in four years (they also keep moving it earlier in the year).  But come on, people.  Do we actually read?

The Future Shock Cup will be decided in March at Future Shock Redemption, and will feature last nights winners- Caraway, Mel Avilo, and Dawn Warren.  It’s an odd reverasl from the normal form of FFW- all three beat redheads (okay, not really for Lollipop anymore) to get to the finals.  And it’s an interesting dynamic- two newer alumni from season 14 going up against an old-timer from Season 5.

And before we go further, here’s the last word on “Megangate” for anyone who didn’t think this ‘scandal’ was over before it even broke.  The only thing that comes out of this is that Leah O’Quinn has ended up looking like the biggest douchebag in the world.  All she did was piss Megan off, and it got her damn near shitstomped last night.  It’s unfortunate, considering she’s made good strides both in the ring and with the fans, and last night was a massive setback in both.  Start Chopping wood, Leah.

Now, back to the finals.  Warren’s the surprise of course.  I don’t know how the hell she keeps winning, but first Sylvia and now Lollipop.  It’s maddening that someone who borrows lines and sets her motif around SCRAPPY FUCKING DOO has any success whatsoever, but there it is.  Mel Avilo’s a season winner, and she’s had a lot of experience, even if consistency isn’t her strong suit.

But Megan Caraway might be one of the most undervalued wrestlers to ever come out of the competition.  She was clearly the best in Season 14, but raw abiity just couldn’t compete with the longstanding Sylvia-Kimmi hissy-fit, and when the finals game, the fans went for the grudge match over the better wrestler.  And while Megan’s been solid since her season ended, she’s also been sorely underutilized.   Winning that Future Shock Cup is going to change it.

#4: WHOEVER KYOSUKE PARK IS... HE NEEDS TO BE ETERNALLY BANNED

 More like Patient Zero for the AHA Virus.  AUGH ITS INFECTED MY BRAIN MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, Samantha Star murdered someone and Jodie Gray has the evidence.  That’s the only explanation I have anymore.

UP NEXT: HOLY SHIT MONTHLY POWER-X RANKINGS!  THE ORDER HAS BEEN SET!  65 WRESTLERS!  ITLL BE AWESOME (Due Monday or Tuesday)

ALSO UP NEXT: The Jo McFarlane tour of death continues against the TV Champ!  The Social Elite faces the Tag Champs Nontitle!  Detective Leah goes into Sylvia's closet and probably finds an actual honest to God skeleton!  Sophie and Summer… three years later!  OH MY GOD THE BURNING STAR EXPRESS DEBUTS WHY AM I SQUEEING LIKE A FANGIRL!?