Once again, its time for wrestling manager and analyst Daniel Pollaski to go over the news, reviews, and previews of Femme Fatale Wrestling! All content is the sole opinion of the author and does not reflect the views of Femme Fatale Wrestling, its wrestlers, or administration. Or Wendy Briese, for that matter, so don’t go jumping her in the hallway if you get butthurt about this. Bitch.
The Power X’s inspirational thought of the week.
Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world it's turning inside out Yeah!
I'm floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time
I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me
I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man of you
Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't want to stop at all
I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I'm out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode
I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman out of you
-”Don’t Stop Me Now” Queen
Hey kids!
Get it? Don’t Stop me Now? Unstoppable? Ha?
Well, anyways, the FFW rocket ship is on its way to the biggest pay-per-view of the year, on a collision course, and out of control. And just as certain, the title of Queen of FFW is up for grabs as six women compete in what is certainly to be one of the best matches of the year. Will the current monarch keep her crown, or will one of her five challengers manage to usurp her?
Speaking of Crowns, the Chase for the Crown has been settled, and the winner is hardly a surprise, at least to yours truly. My own client, the lovely, talented, and victorious Wendy Briese, stands triumphant amongst five shattered, broken bodies, the prize in her hand. I imagine its something like a tiara. With emeralds and diamonds. And a hidden button that turns it into a throwable weapon capable of decapitating people. Take that, Rori Snyder!
Ah, stupid metaphorical free association.
Anyways, we got a lot of ground to cover this week- a full set of rankings to start. Then we’ll take a look at the first competition of the new Future Shock season, with in depth analysis (or at least shameless predictions). Then, its a full blown expose of UNSTOPPABLE 2. And, finally, awards, as interpreted by the only other manager I actually have respect for.
THE POWER X RANKINGS!
A lot of shuffling in the rankings, but no real big movements. Which might be surprising, considering that a wrestler ranked in the low-twenties knocked off a top five talent, but we all know that win was more full of shit than a constipated bull. And, once again, we have a new bottom feeder. Who is it? Patience!
Anyways, the rankings list remains at 38. Four wrestlers are bumped off, but we say hello to four more. Just a reminder, to be eligible to be ranked in the Power X, a wrestler must have competed at least once during the previous two ‘cycles’, or be currently ranked, and scheduled to compete in the next ‘cycle’. This way I dont have to keep coming up with bullshit for people not on television week after week.
Interesting trivia- of the 32 wrestlers featured in the original rankings, 24 are still on the present reincarnation. Pretty impressive low turnover rate, especially when you realize that without this week’s dropouts, that number would be 28, and one more of those not listed will be competing at Unstoppable. When you are in FFW, you’re in for a while.
Anyways, the four dropouts [last ranking in brackets]...
Selina [12] & Delilah [13]: It’s unfortunate that Angelic S&D gets dropped, but after their upset loss to the Eternal Flame earlier in the month, The Archangel and the Libertine have taken some time off for personal reasons. I personally am looking forward to the day these two impressive young ladies return.
Belladonna [28]: Like Cindy, Belladonna’s absence is attributed to personal reasons. Unlike Cindy, her absence could hardly be considered a bad thing.
Skye Estrada [37]: Yeah, I know. I had to go Google Search for old show tapes to remember who the hell she was, too.
As for the rest? Well, Skalamoosh! Skalamoosh!
Let’s do the Fandango!
#38- NINA BATTLEHEART ASTRAL [-4]
Unfortunately, this will be the last time we see NBA for, like, ever. Nina tried to outdo her mother in terms of the epic ‘no one likes me’ ragequit... (Why are you quitting because no one likes you when you knew no one liked you or your mother when you joined?) Samantha made sure Nina outdid her mom when she destroyed her (well, a Mini-Ni) in brutal fashion at Breaking Point. Goodbye Astral family. Take it easy on the Zanax.
#37- DESTINY LOVEHEART [+1]
You just can’t keep a good Loveheart down. Or even an awful Loveheart, which is actually redundant. But thanks to NBA’s embarassing exit, Destiny earns one more week off the bottom of the list.
#36- SYD ASHLEY [-1]
I think I’m coming to the realization that Simply Flawless takes their name from how their opponents end up looking after five minutes in the ring against them.
#35- CHARITY DEAS [+1]
What a great break for Charity Deas as she enters the Pick Your Poison match at Unstoppable. No, she doesn’t have a chance in hell, but at least she can take comfort in the fact that six other women will be losing right along side her!
#34- TRACI LOVEHEART [-1]
Unstoppable will be the fourth consecutive FFW show that Traci’s wrestled on, which is actually a pretty impressive feat. Traci’s definitely getting her face on television, even if most of the times it’s televised being driven into a mat.
#33- FAITH [-1]
Faith was facing two members of Club CK, but seemed to be more focused on demanding a rematch with Crystal Hilton and promising to bring comeuppance on Samantha Star’s head. Neither course would be recommended.
#32- MINDY SMYTH [NEW]
I’m doubting that was the debut Mindy was hoping to have, as she got thrashed both verbally and physically by Hayley Dark, and, contrary to what she might think, pinned. We’ll see if she’s any better in mass-entry ladder matches.
#31- MICHELLE TAYLOR [No Change]
As we expected, Michelle’s attempt to ‘seize the day’ in her match turned out to be a miserable, miserable failure- even after Kaitlynn Stryfe tried to seize it for her.
#30- LUMINA FERRARI [-1]
Considering she hasn’t been in the ring since her loss to Stryfe back in June, Lumina should be well rested for her showdown with Rose Jenkins. And doubly so considering that Johnny Moxie is at her side. In short, if Lumina can’t pull THIS off, she might as well call it a career.
#29- CRYSTAL HATE [NEW]
Crystal Hate, Crystal Hilton. THAT’S not gonna get confusing. Anyways, votes still out on this young lady- she looked good against Traci Loveheart, but then again, who doesn’t? We’ll know more after the PYP Ladder match- where I would definitely consider her a sleeper pick.
#28 TARA THUNDER [-1]
Obviously, Tara’s reputation is held a lot higher by those who were around to see her in previous runs, because while the management might be sweet on her, my vote is still out. Still, she’s facing Crystal Hilton in an Evolution number one contenders match, and if she wins, you can expect her to go WAY up for the next installment.
#27- JO MCFARLANE [+3]
It’s baby steps for Jo, who netted her first win in gritty fasion against Traci Loveheart. Now, I’m not entirely sure Jo’s developed herself enough to win the PYP match, but at the same time, she’s just the type of person who should be able to make some waves, and maybe even pull the upset.
#26- GRETCHEN DONIMARI [-1]
Absolute heartbreak for Gretch, who, in preparataion for a possible breakthrough match against Colleen injured her foot, and will be out for a couple months. I wish GreDo a quick, and full recovery, and hopefully we’ll see her back in the ring soon
#25- REBBECCA VALENTINE [-6]
FFW UNITY TAG TEAM CHAMPION
With that belt around her waist, it’s sometimes tough to remember that Valentine is just a rookie. But Valentine herself is pretty good at coming up with ways to remind us, including a debacle to fellow greenhorn Ignis at Velocity.
#24- IGNIS [+2]
The Firebird is moving along nicely, netting herself her second win of her short FFW career. Unfortunately, Ignis’ relative newness, and her finish in the second half of the Season 3 pecking order, means that she won’t be appearing at Unstoppable. Still, there’s Sin and Sacrifice to look forward to, and Ignis has a good chance of getting into a pretty good match there if she keeps on course.
#23- WHITLEY MERCER [No Change]
Even though she’s lost her tag team partner due to injury, and came up short against Hayley Dark, there’s no denying that Whittlez is a girl who’s on the rise. Remember- this is someone who couldn’t even get herself onto the Conviction show. She’s at Unstoppable, though, and in a match that can certainly serve as a launching point for her whole career. But can she overcome Dark- who got the better of her last week?
#22- KASSANDRA [-2]
A quiet fortnight for both members of the Danger Queens, and hopefully they’ll be studying hard, and getting ready to throw it down at Unstoppable against the Eternal Flame. One major concern- the appearance of that mystery man during Kassie’s match with Helmsley a few weeks ago. Is he going to make himself known again, and if so.. could he cost the DQ’s the Unity Belts?
#21- ALYSON SUMMERS [NEW]
Aly’s debut into the official FFW roster had to have been like a bucket of cold water being dumped over her head- and she looked the part. Despite winning Future Shock’s Third Season, the fact remains that Alyson is still a rookie, and still has a long way to go before she can even be considered a threat to one of the top titles. But Aly still got the job done with Undine, and now she can definitely make a great step forward when she faces former FFW Television Champion Sophia Black at Unstoppable.
#20- RORI SNYDER [+1]
Yes, technically, Rori Snyder did beat Colleen last week on Breaking Point. But there’s absolutely no credit to be given here. She didn’t outwrestle Colleen. She didn’t even outsmart Colleen, which is something that most people who win by cheating get to claim. She simply managed to take advantage of referee Alvin Shepherd’s complete incompetence. That impresses me none, and I think the true extent of Rori’s talents were revealed when she then promptly got her ass whipped by-
#19- SHANE SANDERS [+3]
I said it before, and I’m going to say it again- Shane Sanders *HAS* to beat Rori at Unstoppable. There’s no rules, there’s no propiety that has to be observed. This is a flat out brawl to the finish, and to see who the last woman truly standing is. If Shane can’t get the win here, it’s going to be major letdown- not just to her- but in the eyes of a lot of people.
#18- HAYLEY DARK [+6]
After the ‘preview’ match at Breaking Point, Hayley has emerged from the PYP pack as the clear favorite. But Hayley’s already got a chance at the FFW Television title in the future, whenever she should decide to take it. And of course, there’s that inevitable showdown with Belladonna. And now Pick Your Poison? How many matches does a girl need to have lined up at once?
#17- AMY [-1]
Even after her loss to Isabella Pazzini in her return to the ring, I still hadn’t decided whether Amy was a legit returning threat, or an overblown hack who was trying to live off a brief moment of past glory in a desperate attempt to cling to relevance. After her absolute hillarious Twitter-meltdown over the past few weeks (and her occasional ‘be positive!’ attempts at masking the fact that she’s more mental than all the Lovehearts put together), I’m more inclined to believe the latter. Amy’s Elimination Chamber selection is what we like to call a ‘nostalgia pick’. Essentially, since she got to headline the first Unstoppable, Amy gets the honors of headlining this one too, to show how far the company’s come. The answer? Pretty damn far- unless she gets a late draw, Amy will be one of the first two women out of the match.
#16- CHARLOTTE GAGE [No Change]
Not really much to say about Charlie, other than here’s hoping she and Kassandra are ready for TEF. At least after Rebbecca’s spectacular performance against Ignis last week, the DQ’s will know who the weak link is, and hopefully manage to target it.
#15- UNDINE [No Change]
Undine finally made her opinions about Tara Thunder known- and as could be expected, they were hardly complimenatary towards her former friend. Still- ‘Dine is a woman in transition, for the time being. She’s currently outside looking in of the suddenly LOADED Evolution title picture, but at the same time, it doesn’t seem right to force her into the TV division either. Provided they could actually stand each other- could a Merriweather Sisters tag team be in the works?
#14- PAYTON ST. PIERRE [+3]
FFW TELEVISION CHAMPION
Well, even a broken clock is right twice a day, and on like the eighteenth try, in a match that was completely designed to be in her favor, Payton FINALLY managed to beat Sophie Richards and get herself the TV Championship. And that makes Payton such a huge star, she’ll be sitting out her second consecutive PPV! Drawing power ahoy!
#13- SAMANTHA STAR [NEW]
Well, technically, that match agains Mini-Ni *was* official, so Ms. Star has earned herself a spot this week. Considering she only gets into the ring once in a blue moon (and generally to teach some poor, poor soul a very, very bad lesson), it’s tough to actually find a place for her. Lucky number thirteen seems to fit Sam just right.
#12- SOPHIE RICHARDS [-6]
I didn’t want to say it, but I was afraid something like this was going to happen. Frankly, it was just too much success too soon for Sophie, and it finally managed to catch up with her. Not a knock on Sophie- all signs would seem to point to a rubber match between her and Pay, with the title yet again on the line, but taking a first loss after a meteoric rise like that has to be hard for her.
#11- ROSE JENKINS [+3]
You know, its funny. When Belladonna willingly put herself into a handicapped match against both members of Twisted Path, everyone (including me!) called her an idiot who was jeopardizing her title and career for a chance at grandstanding. When Rose Jenkins willingly puts herself into a handicapped match against Johnny Moxie and Lumina Ferrari, everyone gleefully starts reading Johnny’s epitaph. Goes to show just how scary Rose looks and is, and how much everyone believes she can back it up.
#10- KATHERINE STRYFE [+1]
FFW UNITY TAG TEAM CHAMPION
Well, you can’t say Katherine’s gone unnoticed over the past few days. Her inclusion in the Elimination Chamber was one of the most controversial decisions of the year- so controversial, that the backlash on Twitter was so MASSIVE that it inspired our own Director of Talent Relations to take a couple months’ vacation! So what’s my take? Despite the fact that every single one of her ‘record number of title reigns’ has been a miserable failure, I can see where Kat would be a viable candidate, as a reward for her accomplishments. But that doesn’t stop her from being one of the flat out weakest main event selections I’ve ever seen. Deserved or not, Katherine Stryfe will not last long in the Elimination Chamber, which is the way it needs to be for the long-term credibility of FFW’s top title.
#9- CRYSTAL HILTON [-1]
I hate this woman with all my heart. That’s mainly because my heart (and other various internal organs) kept spazzing out on me as I watched Crystal try and tear my wrestler limb from limb. Truth be told- anyone who thought this woman was nothing more than an overblown, egotistical windbag (and this would include myself) was shown differently during the main event of Breaking Point. Whatever she might say, know that this woman is DEFINITELY for real, and she’s going to be hanging around the FFW Evolution Title picture- if not higher, for a very very long time.
#8- WENDY BRIESE [+2]
Wendy’s loss to Kaitlynn Stryfe was disappointing enough, but to me, it comes more as a testament to Kaitlynn’s own abilities than a knock on Briese. Wendy more than made up for that loss with her victory over Crystal, and her ability to survive three brutal submission holds in the past three matches is making apparent that Wendy is one of the toughest outs to get in all of FFW.
#7- ROBBYN HELMSLEY [+2]
Still think that she’s a much better choice for the Chamber than Stryfe, but it is what it is. I jokingly mentioned last night on Twitter that I had dropped Robbyn Helmsley all the way to twenty-second, and she actually took me seriously in thinking that it was because of her phantom chairshot on her cousin. No- Robbyn may have been gulled by Rori’s bullshit, but she’s hardly the first girl to do so. Now comes the big two questions- what was Robbyn doing out there during the match in the first place... and how is Colleen going to take what happened?
#6- VALERIE BELMONT [No Change]
I try not to mention SVW in my columns (even though I’m now one of their top draws), but it’s interesting to note that Val was in the Climax main event for the SVW title at the start of this month, but came up short against her brother and Mikola Polova. Now, at the end of the month, she’s in the main event of Unstoppable- with five opponents now instead of two! So can she work her way through the guantlet of the Elimination Chamber, and score her first ever top-tier title?
#5- COLLEEN [No Change]
FFW EVOLUTION CHAMPION
You know, the other day, someone (who ironically was wearing a Colleen t-shirt) actually pointed out to me that Colleen hasn’t won a match since her win over Undine at Conviction. Obviously, for Col to remain in such a high spot, there’s been some mitigating factors (six man tag, a hardcore-style match against the FFW Queen of hardcore, and bullshit), but you know this is something the prideful Colleen is well aware of. That’s going to make her absolutely dangerous come Unstoppable.
#4- CAMILLA PAZZINI [-1]
Speaking of bullshit and Colleen, I’m gonna take Chunks to task a little bit here. In the aftermath of the Rori-Colleen bout, Camilla was rather complimentary of Rori for her ‘brilliant victory’. Really, Cammie? REALLY? Camilla Pazzini, the Queen of Hardcore in FFW, a woman who doesn’t consider a match a success unless her opponent needs a blood transfusion, actually applauds taking such a pussy way out? REALLY? I know she likes to stir the shitpot from time to time, but I know a transparent troll attempt when I see one. For shame, Chunks.
#3- KAITLYNN STRYFE [+1]
I have to have grudging respect to anyone who can hold Wendy down for a three-count, so Kitty Mac vaults herself up into the coveted Bronze medal position this week. Of course, given her actions against Scarlett these past weeks, it’s obvious that Kitty isn’t going to stop until she gets gold. And not a medal either- Kaitlynn wants a belt!
#2- ISABELLA PAZZINI [No Change]
It’s not often that I disagree with Cody Kincaid, but I really can’t say that Isabella is the most undeserving woman in the Elimination Chamber match (Especially since Amy was already in, and Kat Stryfe got announced seventy-four seconds later). Seems to me that bossman was speaking from frustration and anger. Still, you have to wonder that if Isabella blows this- how much longer until she gets another chance? And what’s this about Samantha giving Izzy a chance to get to the end of the match?
#1- SCARLETT KINCAID [No Change]
FFW CHAMPION
The Elimination Chamber is just about the hardest, and most brutal way for a Champion to have to defend her belt. So pardon me for facepalming when I hear that Scarlett wants to START the chamber, in some vain attempt to prove something to her critics. It’s admirable, I suppose, but come on. Scarlett’s had this fucking belt for FOUR MONTHS, and she’s worn it well. This woman doesn’t have shit to prove to anyone. But, as I suppose could be expected for a young woman in this situation, the pressure got to her, and it’s led her to make a decision that will likely cost her the belt. I like Scarlett, too, so DAMN, I’m disappointed by this.
And there you have it!
Of course, comments, bitches, whines, and complaints are always welcome. But I think we’re going to be looking at an entirely new outlook on the rankings when I type this column up again.
FUTURE SHOCK THERAPY!
Dear, God! Season 4’s on us already? It seems like just a couple weeks ago I was congratulating Aly Summers on her amazing victory, and, well, here we go again!
Okay, so, first challenge, and this one is a bit fun, as we kick things off with a scramble match. I don’t know how many of you know this, but I actually was the comissioner for a small New England based regional fed many years ago, and I booked a couple of these for the hardcore title. Even entered one myself. Hired a sniper to sit up in the rafters, and shoot everyone in the ring (except me) with a tranquilizer dart. Then I pinned the champion, and ran like hell. Unfortunately, I later realized two things.
1. I should have had him shoot everyone at the END of the match, instead of towards the beginning.
2. There aren’t as many places to hide in arenas as you’d think. Especially when there’s fourteen VERY pissed off people looking for you.
Ah well, youthful impetuousness does have a price.
Anyways- my take:
WHO WINS? GIGANTE
For some reason, the name reminds me of enormous Argentinian ex-basketball players and tin foil. But, there’s no denying that Gigante is by far the biggest woman in the competition, and Danny always appreciates a power game. Still, like I said in my previous column, these so called ‘power women’ tend to suck more often than not. Still, if there’s anyone who’s going to have a chance to win this, it’s going to be someone who has the strength to do some serious damage towards the end of the time limit, when it matters the most. Gigante seems like a good pick- unless the other girls gang up on her.
WHO WINS THE VOTE? DEVEN KNIGHT
Tough to predict the winner of a popularity contest before anyone even opens their mouth. But Deven still looks to be the most promising of the rookies in this season, and I’d definitely like to see her stick around for a while. So Knight it is.
WHO’S GOING HOME? ALYSSA FOXWORTH
Unless Alyssa makes the AWESOME decision to tack a “y” on to the end of her last name, I really can’t see people giving much of a shit about her. I honestly can’t figure out how someone who could possibly be about to marry into the epic Star family could be so possibly boring! I mean, what does Seth see in her (other than the obvious, of course). What does Samantha see in her? What could any prospective voter see in her?
THE ROAD AHEAD!
Holy crap! It’s the biggest FFW PPV of the year! I feel like I need to rent a tuxedo for this! And lose some weight! And buy hors d’ovures! And...
Whoah, getting ahead of myself here. So I think I’m gonna settle for just breaking down the amazing TEN matches in store for us at Unstoppable. thirty-three wrestlers will be on tap for you among those ten, one less than Conviction (remember, Kat Stryfe is booked twice)... but unlike Conviction, every single wrestler but one is a true-blue FFW superstar (and Moxie really CAN’T be, can he?).
Anyways, as is custom for me and PPVs, I preview all the matches, not just the top 5. So...
POISON PICK
#21 Alyson Summers vs. Sophia Black
Considering that Sophia Black hasn’t been seen in an FFW ring for months, to the point where she’s become an unpleasant memory in most people’s minds, this seems almost a waste of a Poison Pick. Nevertheless, thanks to her blind devotion to Christian Kincaid, Aly’s called out one of his exes, and Sophia’s obliged. There’s bad blood here, made even worse by Black’s attack on CK at the end of Breaking Point. I’ve heard some people say the rookie doesn’t have a chance. You kidding me? Aly’s got half-a-brain, which is more than you can say for her opponent.
WINNER: Summers
#34 Traci Loveheart vs. Emma McIntyre
I’m not really a fan of the MacKenzie Mafia- a group of people who rarely compete running around with the mission of ‘keeping the balance’ like they’re some sort of pro-wrestling version of druids seems a bit on the pretentious bullshit side. Especially when the target of their ire is little more than the already discredited rejects known as Twisted Path. Yes, we all loved Tiffany’s destruction of Victoria Summers. So now, two months later, apparently Emma comes back to finish the job. There’s only one question that surrounds this match- why the hell doesn’t she have anything better to do?
WINNER: McIntyre
PICK YOUR POISON LADDER MATCH
#18 Hayley Dark vs. #23 Whitley Mercer vs. #27 Jo McFarlane vs. #29 Crystal Hate vs. #32 Mindy Smyth vs. #33 Faith vs. #35 Charity Deas vs. Casey Atherton
Holy crap that’s a mouthfull. Anyways, basic premise- eight women get into the ring, ladder match rules, she who pulls down the prize gets to face an opponent of her choosing. And of course gets bragging rights for beating seven other FFW wrestlers. Going by the rankings of the competitors, its obvious that this is just what most of the girls in the match need to kickstart some momentum. Realistically, I can’t see Smyth, Faith, or Charity having any chance whatsoever to get anywhere close to winning this. Hate and Jo, I have as outside shots- they can pull it off if the cards fall just right. That leaves Atherton, Dark, and Mercer as my favorites. All three are young, and relatively new, and therefore adept at making mistakes. Unless Adonis can find a way to sneak to ringside, Casey probably is going to get herself in over her head. And as much as I love Whitley, Mercer is a bit suseptible to becoming to target-orientated, and losing focus of the bigger surroundings. So Im gonna go ahead and pencil in Dark as the winner here- but my eraser is definitely on standby.
WINNER: Dark
EVOLUTION #1 CONTENDERS
#9 Crystal Hilton vs. #28 Tara Thunder
I have questions about both these women as we head into the PPV. Crystal saw her undfeated streak go up in smoke against Wendy, and for a woman of her ego, that has to be devastating. Can Crystal get it together in time for the follow up? But at the same time, is Tara really as good as management is making her out to be? There’s a lot riding on the line here for both women, but after seeing what I just did from Crystal, I have a lot of faith in her. She’ll get the rebound, and maybe get us another match against Wendy.
WINNER: Hilton
HANDICAP TAG MATCH
#11 Rose Jenkins vs. #30 Lumina Ferrari & Johnny Moxie
Obviously everyone and their sister wants to see Rose beat the living spaghetti sauce out of Lumina and her boyfriend. But as much as we all hate Johnny Moxie, you gotta remember that the guy is crafty, and actually has a bit of talent (which is more than could be said for his girlfriend, or protege, or whatever). You throw that in with the numbers advantage, and Rose might actually be in trouble. I know it’s tag rules for the dominant team, but this is Moxie we’re talking about. The man was born to get around rules.
WINNER: Ferrari & Moxie
FFW ULTRAVIOLENCE CHAMPIONSHIP
PRISON OF PUNISHMENT
#4 CAMILLA PAZZINI © vs. RAVEN WICKED
Raven hasn’t been in the ring since Conviction, and while I’m sure she’s made good use of her time (and don’t ask ‘doing what?’ I don’t even want to know how she prepares!). But still, that’s a LONG time to be absent from the ring when preparing for a title match. You throw that in with the fact that Camilla has proven herself time and time again to be the nastiest, most violent and brutal woman on the FFW roster, and I’m afraid this might actually end up being one of the most lopsided matches of the PPV. But I hope I’m wrong
WINNER: Pazzini
FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE
#19 Shane Sanders vs. #20 Rori Snyder
Well, here we go. This is a rematch from Conviction- a match that Rori won under dubious standards. This time- there’s no such thing as ‘dubious standards’. Anything goes, and anywhere goes. Shane knows this- she’s planned for it, which means she’s out of excuses if she can’t get the job done against Princess Rori. For that matter, Rori ran out of excuses weeks ago- and with Shane finally having run out of patience with her, I think it’s going to be a long, bloody trip back to Oakdale for Ms. Snyder-Magnussen.
WINNER: Shane Sanders
FFW UNITY TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
The Eternal Flame (#10 Katherine Stryfe & #26 Rebbecca Valentine) © vs. The Danger Queens (#16 Charlotte Gage & #22 Kassandra)
I’m gonna bet that this match will probably be moved up on the card, to compensate for Katherine’s double-booking. Anyways, this is a rematch of a semfinal match in the Unity Tag Tournament, which the Eternal Flame won in an upset. The DQ’s no doubt remember that, and they’re looking for payback here. I think this match comes down to one thing- can Rebbecca Valentine handle the pressure? She cost her team the match at the last PPV, but she pulled a huge upset getting them the titles in the rematch. But she seemed to get flat-out exposed against Ignis. Where does that leave her now? And can they function against two girls who have some of the best chemistry in FFW? I think we could be looking at new champions, here!
WINNER: Danger Queens
FFW EVOLUTION CHAMPIONSHIP
THREE-WAY
#5 Colleen © vs. #7 Robbyn Helmsley vs. #8 Wendy Briese
The rivalry between Colleen and Helmsley has been well-documented, but it’s also been a bit on the one-sided side. Helmsley’s done a lot in FFW, but beating Colleen is not yet among her list of accomplishments- something she wants to change. Parachuting into the middle of this is Wendy, who got in after winning the Chase for the Crown. Oddly- Wendy holds a win over both women, although in a six woman tag match. This could easily be considered a show-stealer match of the night contender, because all three women have something to prove, and reasons to make you believe they would do it. Still, I gotta have faith in what brought me here, so:
WINNER: Briese
FFW CHAMPIONSHIP
ELIMINATION CHAMBER
#1 Scarlett Kincaid © vs. #2 Isabella Pazzini vs. #3 Kaitlynn Stryfe vs. #6 Valerie Belmont vs. #10 Katherine Stryfe vs. #17 Amy
Well, here it is. An absolute doozy of a match to finish an absolute doozy of a pay-per-view. Predicting one of these matches is hard as hell, because you don’t know the entry order. With five-minute intervals, when you enter carries so much weight in a match like this, as you’re looking at a full TWENTY MINUTES between when the first two wrestlers lock up, and when the final competitor enters. But going on process of elimination here... the thought of either Katherine or Amy walking out of this the Champion makes my skin crawl with the knowledge of how much damage it would do to the FFW Championship’s credibility to the point where I can’t even think about it. So scratch them.
THe remaining four all have a GREAT chance of winning this, so the process gets tougher. But I have to whittle it down. And as much as I hate to do it, I really can’t see Scarlett winning this either, thanks to her aforementioned demand that she be one of the first two in the match. Like I said, its a foolish, suicidal notion- she’s got nothing to prove by doing that, but that’s her decision. But when you couple that into the fact that everyone will be gunning for her, it’s really going to be too much for her to handle. So while I’m hoping I’m wrong, I can’t see her winning this.
Isabella’s pissed too many people off as well, and if this ‘deal’ she’s made with Star exists, and Bella doesn’t come in until the end, she could be walking in against as many as five pissed off, tired, and beat up FFW superstars, all of which might want her dead. Amy herself will probably be fanatacial about downing her. Ultimately, Isabella is the most likely person to be ganged up on, other than possibly Scarlett. That can spell the end in a match like this.
So that leaves Val and Kitty, who coincidentally put each other through hell in a clear match of the year contender at Conviction. Wendy’s been in the ring against both women, and I asked her, she cannot tell me who was a tougher opponent to face. Kitty does have that feather in her cap from Conviction, but something tells me Val learned her mistakes from that. So, with a cringe, and a hope I’m right, I give you, for the first time ever...
WINNER: Belmont
And there’s a fingercross moment if I’ve ever had one.
AWARDS!
I’m of the opinion that a good manager should take his wrestler’s success personally, so when I come across meddling fools (namely, other managers), I tend to want them to die. Seriously, I’ve spent half my career trying to figure out a way to torture my opponent’s cornerman, whether it’s a valet, manager, tag partner, whatever. Most of the time, its with the simple logic that if they’re occupied with ME, they can’t do something to fuck over Wendy. But I’ll be honest, it’s a hobby.
Unfortunately, and even though he’s got a metal rod so far up his ass it practically counts as an impaling, I’ve grown to like and respect one of my colleagues of this esteemed profession. Namely Wolf Ramsey. So despite the fact that our wrestlers are just two weeks away from trying to dislocate pretty much every joint imaginable in each other, I decided to let Wolfie take the awards column out for a spin. He did a great job with it.
On a side note, I actually wanted Colleen to do these, but when I approached Mr. Ramsey with the idea, he quickly suggested that it be best for both our safety that I not pursue it. He then offered to do it himself, I think to make sure that I wasn’t dumb enough to actually follow through.
Anyways, Mr. Wolf Ramsey, everyone!
Match of the Week(s)
Wendy Briese vs. Crystal Hilton
I have rarely had the pleasure of being ringside for a match quite as magnificent this one. The story this one told was incredible. Such contrast between the two women, and we saw an epic battle, and the simple fact is neither of these athletes would die. They simply would not. The stakes were too high. I do not have much love for Crystal Hilton, but I no longer doubt the woman’s immense talent. But it was in fact my favorite non-client, Wendy Briese who walked away with the victory. Ms. Hilton threw everything she could at her, and I mean everything, but Ms. Briese earned even more of my respect by never quitting, no matter how it looked. And now Ms. Briese is heading to Unstoppable 2, and I truly regret the unfortunate fact that all that work will eventually amount to a loss when my client successfully defends her championship on the biggest stage of them all.
Dream on, Ramsey. Dream on. Anyways, my (Pollaski’s) runners-up:
- Payton St. Pierre vs. Sophie Richards: Honestly surprised we actually got a good match outta Pay... not to mention one she won. But hell, that was pretty good.
- Hayley Dark vs. Mindy Smyth vs. Whitley Mercer: If that was the PREVIEW of the PYPLM, the ladder match itself is gonna be SICK!
Winner of the Week(s)
Payton St. Pierre
This is a case of “giving the devil her due”. I dislike Payton St. Pierre greatly, as I’m sure most of our FFW fans do, and the honest truth is that I had counted her out of her Television title match. I expected fully for Sophie Richards to bury the hatchet once and for all. Payton St. Pierre was finally going to have to shut up and go away and deal with the fact that she couldn’t beat Ms. Richards. That did not happen however, and somehow, in a brutal encounter, Ms. St. Pierre walked out of Velocity as the new FFW Television Champion. As much as I hate to admit it, Ms. St. Pierre achieved her mission in FFW this week, and that makes her the winner of the week. However, I would still like to make it clear that she has a vile personality and that hearing her speak is the equivalent of having a knife scrape against a chalkboard for an extended period of time.
Ms. St. Pierre is kinda a mouthful. I think we need to go the Red Foreman method, and just call her “Dumbass”. It’s quicker, and quite accurate.
Pollaski’s runners-up:
- Katherine Stryfe: After the way she just lucked into the main-event on the biggest show of the year, Kat better go fucking buy herself a Lotto ticket.
- Wendy Briese: You damn right I’m proud of her!
Loser of the Week
Traci Loveheart
Not that Ms. Loveheart needed much more to help her bear the title of “loser”, but two consecutive losses on Velocity and Breaking Point, followed by the revelation that a former FFW Champion has come back purely to end her at Unstoppable 2. Well, let’s just say things simply could not be worse for the remaining half of Twisted Path. Though, in all honesty, I find the whole situation rather entertaining more than anything else, and I implore Ms. McIntyre to continue the trend of Ms. Loveheart’s fortunes at Unstoppable 2. At Conviction, the first of two fools got what was coming to them, and Unstoppable, I suspect the job will be finished.
By this criteria, I’d make Traci Loveheart (or her sister) the loser of the week EVERY damn week!
Pollaski’s Runners-up
- Gretchen Donimari: To be injured like this just as she was getting momentum, that’s a shame.
- Sophie Richards: It aint’ the end for her, but that was not how she wanted her match with Dumbass to go.
Douchebag of the Week
Rori Snyder
Rori Snyder is a vile, awful, despicable, and disgusting woman. There are few people who I despise quite as much as the walking piece of shit who dares call herself a “princess”. The woman issues a challenge to my client, fair enough, but then after making a big deal about wanting to actually defeat Colleen and prove a point, the woman spends the entire match pulling out cheap trick after cheap trick before finally finding an escape clause. She almost walked out after two minutes when she realized she couldn’t really wrestler at my client’s level, but then she decided to use the ropes illegally, throw salt in Colleen’s eyes, and SMASH A RING BELL INTO MY FOREHEAD. I was not your opponent, and I had not provoked you, Ms. Snyder, but a puddle of slime such as yourself doesn’t care about that, do you? Even after all of that, Colleen was still in control by the time Ms. Helmsley came to ringside and you played your final card, finding a way out of the match before you were forced to tap out. Rori Snyder is a person I cannot and never will respect after this week, as she disrespects and corrupts the sport I love by her proximity to it alone. I hope Shane Sanders puts her in the hospital at Unstoppable. It will be a pleasure to watch this creature get her just desserts.
Not surprised at all that you chose her, Wolf. But I *love* the rant. Tell ya what, losing manager in the Evo match buys the winner a Shane Sanders t-shirt.
Pollaski’s Runners Up:
- Nina Battleheart Astral: Not for quitting. For actually having the audacity to think that it would be impactful if she did quit. Other than the absolute flaming we’re now at liberty to do.
- Sophia Black: Not for attacking CK. I’ve wanted to do that for four months. But dear God, FFW has enough annoying idiots running around, and we just got rid of NBA. Did we really have to get another?
Anyways, thanks so much to Wolf for contributing this week. I may give him some crap, but this is a guy who knows his shit.
Anyways, that’s it for this week. Remember, Future Shock is Friday, 9PM ET, on ESPN! (As Scarlett will no doubt remind us). And don’t forget UNSTOPPABLE II from CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA on SATURDAY JULY 30 at 9 PM on PAY PER VIEW! And see you a few days after, as we go through the aftermath of what will truly be an epic show!
Until then...
POLLA OUT!
Daniel Pollaski is an freelance wrestling columnist, and the manager of Wendy Briese. He also would like to remind the world that Nikkii Spainhower is the true SVW T&A champion, no matter what that worthless wannabe announcer and his dimwit wife say.
The Power X’s inspirational thought of the week.
Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time
I feel alive and the world it's turning inside out Yeah!
I'm floating around in ecstasy
So don't stop me now don't stop me
'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time
I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies
Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity
I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva
I'm gonna go go go
There's no stopping me
I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic man of you
Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time
I'm having a ball don't stop me now
If you wanna have a good time just give me a call
Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time)
Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time)
I don't want to stop at all
I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars
On a collision course
I am a satellite I'm out of control
I am a sex machine ready to reload
Like an atom bomb about to
Oh oh oh oh oh explode
I'm burning through the skies Yeah!
Two hundred degrees
That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit
I'm trav'ling at the speed of light
I wanna make a supersonic woman out of you
-”Don’t Stop Me Now” Queen
Hey kids!
Get it? Don’t Stop me Now? Unstoppable? Ha?
Well, anyways, the FFW rocket ship is on its way to the biggest pay-per-view of the year, on a collision course, and out of control. And just as certain, the title of Queen of FFW is up for grabs as six women compete in what is certainly to be one of the best matches of the year. Will the current monarch keep her crown, or will one of her five challengers manage to usurp her?
Speaking of Crowns, the Chase for the Crown has been settled, and the winner is hardly a surprise, at least to yours truly. My own client, the lovely, talented, and victorious Wendy Briese, stands triumphant amongst five shattered, broken bodies, the prize in her hand. I imagine its something like a tiara. With emeralds and diamonds. And a hidden button that turns it into a throwable weapon capable of decapitating people. Take that, Rori Snyder!
Ah, stupid metaphorical free association.
Anyways, we got a lot of ground to cover this week- a full set of rankings to start. Then we’ll take a look at the first competition of the new Future Shock season, with in depth analysis (or at least shameless predictions). Then, its a full blown expose of UNSTOPPABLE 2. And, finally, awards, as interpreted by the only other manager I actually have respect for.
THE POWER X RANKINGS!
A lot of shuffling in the rankings, but no real big movements. Which might be surprising, considering that a wrestler ranked in the low-twenties knocked off a top five talent, but we all know that win was more full of shit than a constipated bull. And, once again, we have a new bottom feeder. Who is it? Patience!
Anyways, the rankings list remains at 38. Four wrestlers are bumped off, but we say hello to four more. Just a reminder, to be eligible to be ranked in the Power X, a wrestler must have competed at least once during the previous two ‘cycles’, or be currently ranked, and scheduled to compete in the next ‘cycle’. This way I dont have to keep coming up with bullshit for people not on television week after week.
Interesting trivia- of the 32 wrestlers featured in the original rankings, 24 are still on the present reincarnation. Pretty impressive low turnover rate, especially when you realize that without this week’s dropouts, that number would be 28, and one more of those not listed will be competing at Unstoppable. When you are in FFW, you’re in for a while.
Anyways, the four dropouts [last ranking in brackets]...
Selina [12] & Delilah [13]: It’s unfortunate that Angelic S&D gets dropped, but after their upset loss to the Eternal Flame earlier in the month, The Archangel and the Libertine have taken some time off for personal reasons. I personally am looking forward to the day these two impressive young ladies return.
Belladonna [28]: Like Cindy, Belladonna’s absence is attributed to personal reasons. Unlike Cindy, her absence could hardly be considered a bad thing.
Skye Estrada [37]: Yeah, I know. I had to go Google Search for old show tapes to remember who the hell she was, too.
As for the rest? Well, Skalamoosh! Skalamoosh!
Let’s do the Fandango!
#38- NINA BATTLEHEART ASTRAL [-4]
Unfortunately, this will be the last time we see NBA for, like, ever. Nina tried to outdo her mother in terms of the epic ‘no one likes me’ ragequit... (Why are you quitting because no one likes you when you knew no one liked you or your mother when you joined?) Samantha made sure Nina outdid her mom when she destroyed her (well, a Mini-Ni) in brutal fashion at Breaking Point. Goodbye Astral family. Take it easy on the Zanax.
#37- DESTINY LOVEHEART [+1]
You just can’t keep a good Loveheart down. Or even an awful Loveheart, which is actually redundant. But thanks to NBA’s embarassing exit, Destiny earns one more week off the bottom of the list.
#36- SYD ASHLEY [-1]
I think I’m coming to the realization that Simply Flawless takes their name from how their opponents end up looking after five minutes in the ring against them.
#35- CHARITY DEAS [+1]
What a great break for Charity Deas as she enters the Pick Your Poison match at Unstoppable. No, she doesn’t have a chance in hell, but at least she can take comfort in the fact that six other women will be losing right along side her!
#34- TRACI LOVEHEART [-1]
Unstoppable will be the fourth consecutive FFW show that Traci’s wrestled on, which is actually a pretty impressive feat. Traci’s definitely getting her face on television, even if most of the times it’s televised being driven into a mat.
#33- FAITH [-1]
Faith was facing two members of Club CK, but seemed to be more focused on demanding a rematch with Crystal Hilton and promising to bring comeuppance on Samantha Star’s head. Neither course would be recommended.
#32- MINDY SMYTH [NEW]
I’m doubting that was the debut Mindy was hoping to have, as she got thrashed both verbally and physically by Hayley Dark, and, contrary to what she might think, pinned. We’ll see if she’s any better in mass-entry ladder matches.
#31- MICHELLE TAYLOR [No Change]
As we expected, Michelle’s attempt to ‘seize the day’ in her match turned out to be a miserable, miserable failure- even after Kaitlynn Stryfe tried to seize it for her.
#30- LUMINA FERRARI [-1]
Considering she hasn’t been in the ring since her loss to Stryfe back in June, Lumina should be well rested for her showdown with Rose Jenkins. And doubly so considering that Johnny Moxie is at her side. In short, if Lumina can’t pull THIS off, she might as well call it a career.
#29- CRYSTAL HATE [NEW]
Crystal Hate, Crystal Hilton. THAT’S not gonna get confusing. Anyways, votes still out on this young lady- she looked good against Traci Loveheart, but then again, who doesn’t? We’ll know more after the PYP Ladder match- where I would definitely consider her a sleeper pick.
#28 TARA THUNDER [-1]
Obviously, Tara’s reputation is held a lot higher by those who were around to see her in previous runs, because while the management might be sweet on her, my vote is still out. Still, she’s facing Crystal Hilton in an Evolution number one contenders match, and if she wins, you can expect her to go WAY up for the next installment.
#27- JO MCFARLANE [+3]
It’s baby steps for Jo, who netted her first win in gritty fasion against Traci Loveheart. Now, I’m not entirely sure Jo’s developed herself enough to win the PYP match, but at the same time, she’s just the type of person who should be able to make some waves, and maybe even pull the upset.
#26- GRETCHEN DONIMARI [-1]
Absolute heartbreak for Gretch, who, in preparataion for a possible breakthrough match against Colleen injured her foot, and will be out for a couple months. I wish GreDo a quick, and full recovery, and hopefully we’ll see her back in the ring soon
#25- REBBECCA VALENTINE [-6]
FFW UNITY TAG TEAM CHAMPION
With that belt around her waist, it’s sometimes tough to remember that Valentine is just a rookie. But Valentine herself is pretty good at coming up with ways to remind us, including a debacle to fellow greenhorn Ignis at Velocity.
#24- IGNIS [+2]
The Firebird is moving along nicely, netting herself her second win of her short FFW career. Unfortunately, Ignis’ relative newness, and her finish in the second half of the Season 3 pecking order, means that she won’t be appearing at Unstoppable. Still, there’s Sin and Sacrifice to look forward to, and Ignis has a good chance of getting into a pretty good match there if she keeps on course.
#23- WHITLEY MERCER [No Change]
Even though she’s lost her tag team partner due to injury, and came up short against Hayley Dark, there’s no denying that Whittlez is a girl who’s on the rise. Remember- this is someone who couldn’t even get herself onto the Conviction show. She’s at Unstoppable, though, and in a match that can certainly serve as a launching point for her whole career. But can she overcome Dark- who got the better of her last week?
#22- KASSANDRA [-2]
A quiet fortnight for both members of the Danger Queens, and hopefully they’ll be studying hard, and getting ready to throw it down at Unstoppable against the Eternal Flame. One major concern- the appearance of that mystery man during Kassie’s match with Helmsley a few weeks ago. Is he going to make himself known again, and if so.. could he cost the DQ’s the Unity Belts?
#21- ALYSON SUMMERS [NEW]
Aly’s debut into the official FFW roster had to have been like a bucket of cold water being dumped over her head- and she looked the part. Despite winning Future Shock’s Third Season, the fact remains that Alyson is still a rookie, and still has a long way to go before she can even be considered a threat to one of the top titles. But Aly still got the job done with Undine, and now she can definitely make a great step forward when she faces former FFW Television Champion Sophia Black at Unstoppable.
#20- RORI SNYDER [+1]
Yes, technically, Rori Snyder did beat Colleen last week on Breaking Point. But there’s absolutely no credit to be given here. She didn’t outwrestle Colleen. She didn’t even outsmart Colleen, which is something that most people who win by cheating get to claim. She simply managed to take advantage of referee Alvin Shepherd’s complete incompetence. That impresses me none, and I think the true extent of Rori’s talents were revealed when she then promptly got her ass whipped by-
#19- SHANE SANDERS [+3]
I said it before, and I’m going to say it again- Shane Sanders *HAS* to beat Rori at Unstoppable. There’s no rules, there’s no propiety that has to be observed. This is a flat out brawl to the finish, and to see who the last woman truly standing is. If Shane can’t get the win here, it’s going to be major letdown- not just to her- but in the eyes of a lot of people.
#18- HAYLEY DARK [+6]
After the ‘preview’ match at Breaking Point, Hayley has emerged from the PYP pack as the clear favorite. But Hayley’s already got a chance at the FFW Television title in the future, whenever she should decide to take it. And of course, there’s that inevitable showdown with Belladonna. And now Pick Your Poison? How many matches does a girl need to have lined up at once?
#17- AMY [-1]
Even after her loss to Isabella Pazzini in her return to the ring, I still hadn’t decided whether Amy was a legit returning threat, or an overblown hack who was trying to live off a brief moment of past glory in a desperate attempt to cling to relevance. After her absolute hillarious Twitter-meltdown over the past few weeks (and her occasional ‘be positive!’ attempts at masking the fact that she’s more mental than all the Lovehearts put together), I’m more inclined to believe the latter. Amy’s Elimination Chamber selection is what we like to call a ‘nostalgia pick’. Essentially, since she got to headline the first Unstoppable, Amy gets the honors of headlining this one too, to show how far the company’s come. The answer? Pretty damn far- unless she gets a late draw, Amy will be one of the first two women out of the match.
#16- CHARLOTTE GAGE [No Change]
Not really much to say about Charlie, other than here’s hoping she and Kassandra are ready for TEF. At least after Rebbecca’s spectacular performance against Ignis last week, the DQ’s will know who the weak link is, and hopefully manage to target it.
#15- UNDINE [No Change]
Undine finally made her opinions about Tara Thunder known- and as could be expected, they were hardly complimenatary towards her former friend. Still- ‘Dine is a woman in transition, for the time being. She’s currently outside looking in of the suddenly LOADED Evolution title picture, but at the same time, it doesn’t seem right to force her into the TV division either. Provided they could actually stand each other- could a Merriweather Sisters tag team be in the works?
#14- PAYTON ST. PIERRE [+3]
FFW TELEVISION CHAMPION
Well, even a broken clock is right twice a day, and on like the eighteenth try, in a match that was completely designed to be in her favor, Payton FINALLY managed to beat Sophie Richards and get herself the TV Championship. And that makes Payton such a huge star, she’ll be sitting out her second consecutive PPV! Drawing power ahoy!
#13- SAMANTHA STAR [NEW]
Well, technically, that match agains Mini-Ni *was* official, so Ms. Star has earned herself a spot this week. Considering she only gets into the ring once in a blue moon (and generally to teach some poor, poor soul a very, very bad lesson), it’s tough to actually find a place for her. Lucky number thirteen seems to fit Sam just right.
#12- SOPHIE RICHARDS [-6]
I didn’t want to say it, but I was afraid something like this was going to happen. Frankly, it was just too much success too soon for Sophie, and it finally managed to catch up with her. Not a knock on Sophie- all signs would seem to point to a rubber match between her and Pay, with the title yet again on the line, but taking a first loss after a meteoric rise like that has to be hard for her.
#11- ROSE JENKINS [+3]
You know, its funny. When Belladonna willingly put herself into a handicapped match against both members of Twisted Path, everyone (including me!) called her an idiot who was jeopardizing her title and career for a chance at grandstanding. When Rose Jenkins willingly puts herself into a handicapped match against Johnny Moxie and Lumina Ferrari, everyone gleefully starts reading Johnny’s epitaph. Goes to show just how scary Rose looks and is, and how much everyone believes she can back it up.
#10- KATHERINE STRYFE [+1]
FFW UNITY TAG TEAM CHAMPION
Well, you can’t say Katherine’s gone unnoticed over the past few days. Her inclusion in the Elimination Chamber was one of the most controversial decisions of the year- so controversial, that the backlash on Twitter was so MASSIVE that it inspired our own Director of Talent Relations to take a couple months’ vacation! So what’s my take? Despite the fact that every single one of her ‘record number of title reigns’ has been a miserable failure, I can see where Kat would be a viable candidate, as a reward for her accomplishments. But that doesn’t stop her from being one of the flat out weakest main event selections I’ve ever seen. Deserved or not, Katherine Stryfe will not last long in the Elimination Chamber, which is the way it needs to be for the long-term credibility of FFW’s top title.
#9- CRYSTAL HILTON [-1]
I hate this woman with all my heart. That’s mainly because my heart (and other various internal organs) kept spazzing out on me as I watched Crystal try and tear my wrestler limb from limb. Truth be told- anyone who thought this woman was nothing more than an overblown, egotistical windbag (and this would include myself) was shown differently during the main event of Breaking Point. Whatever she might say, know that this woman is DEFINITELY for real, and she’s going to be hanging around the FFW Evolution Title picture- if not higher, for a very very long time.
#8- WENDY BRIESE [+2]
Wendy’s loss to Kaitlynn Stryfe was disappointing enough, but to me, it comes more as a testament to Kaitlynn’s own abilities than a knock on Briese. Wendy more than made up for that loss with her victory over Crystal, and her ability to survive three brutal submission holds in the past three matches is making apparent that Wendy is one of the toughest outs to get in all of FFW.
#7- ROBBYN HELMSLEY [+2]
Still think that she’s a much better choice for the Chamber than Stryfe, but it is what it is. I jokingly mentioned last night on Twitter that I had dropped Robbyn Helmsley all the way to twenty-second, and she actually took me seriously in thinking that it was because of her phantom chairshot on her cousin. No- Robbyn may have been gulled by Rori’s bullshit, but she’s hardly the first girl to do so. Now comes the big two questions- what was Robbyn doing out there during the match in the first place... and how is Colleen going to take what happened?
#6- VALERIE BELMONT [No Change]
I try not to mention SVW in my columns (even though I’m now one of their top draws), but it’s interesting to note that Val was in the Climax main event for the SVW title at the start of this month, but came up short against her brother and Mikola Polova. Now, at the end of the month, she’s in the main event of Unstoppable- with five opponents now instead of two! So can she work her way through the guantlet of the Elimination Chamber, and score her first ever top-tier title?
#5- COLLEEN [No Change]
FFW EVOLUTION CHAMPION
You know, the other day, someone (who ironically was wearing a Colleen t-shirt) actually pointed out to me that Colleen hasn’t won a match since her win over Undine at Conviction. Obviously, for Col to remain in such a high spot, there’s been some mitigating factors (six man tag, a hardcore-style match against the FFW Queen of hardcore, and bullshit), but you know this is something the prideful Colleen is well aware of. That’s going to make her absolutely dangerous come Unstoppable.
#4- CAMILLA PAZZINI [-1]
Speaking of bullshit and Colleen, I’m gonna take Chunks to task a little bit here. In the aftermath of the Rori-Colleen bout, Camilla was rather complimentary of Rori for her ‘brilliant victory’. Really, Cammie? REALLY? Camilla Pazzini, the Queen of Hardcore in FFW, a woman who doesn’t consider a match a success unless her opponent needs a blood transfusion, actually applauds taking such a pussy way out? REALLY? I know she likes to stir the shitpot from time to time, but I know a transparent troll attempt when I see one. For shame, Chunks.
#3- KAITLYNN STRYFE [+1]
I have to have grudging respect to anyone who can hold Wendy down for a three-count, so Kitty Mac vaults herself up into the coveted Bronze medal position this week. Of course, given her actions against Scarlett these past weeks, it’s obvious that Kitty isn’t going to stop until she gets gold. And not a medal either- Kaitlynn wants a belt!
#2- ISABELLA PAZZINI [No Change]
It’s not often that I disagree with Cody Kincaid, but I really can’t say that Isabella is the most undeserving woman in the Elimination Chamber match (Especially since Amy was already in, and Kat Stryfe got announced seventy-four seconds later). Seems to me that bossman was speaking from frustration and anger. Still, you have to wonder that if Isabella blows this- how much longer until she gets another chance? And what’s this about Samantha giving Izzy a chance to get to the end of the match?
#1- SCARLETT KINCAID [No Change]
FFW CHAMPION
The Elimination Chamber is just about the hardest, and most brutal way for a Champion to have to defend her belt. So pardon me for facepalming when I hear that Scarlett wants to START the chamber, in some vain attempt to prove something to her critics. It’s admirable, I suppose, but come on. Scarlett’s had this fucking belt for FOUR MONTHS, and she’s worn it well. This woman doesn’t have shit to prove to anyone. But, as I suppose could be expected for a young woman in this situation, the pressure got to her, and it’s led her to make a decision that will likely cost her the belt. I like Scarlett, too, so DAMN, I’m disappointed by this.
And there you have it!
Of course, comments, bitches, whines, and complaints are always welcome. But I think we’re going to be looking at an entirely new outlook on the rankings when I type this column up again.
FUTURE SHOCK THERAPY!
Dear, God! Season 4’s on us already? It seems like just a couple weeks ago I was congratulating Aly Summers on her amazing victory, and, well, here we go again!
Okay, so, first challenge, and this one is a bit fun, as we kick things off with a scramble match. I don’t know how many of you know this, but I actually was the comissioner for a small New England based regional fed many years ago, and I booked a couple of these for the hardcore title. Even entered one myself. Hired a sniper to sit up in the rafters, and shoot everyone in the ring (except me) with a tranquilizer dart. Then I pinned the champion, and ran like hell. Unfortunately, I later realized two things.
1. I should have had him shoot everyone at the END of the match, instead of towards the beginning.
2. There aren’t as many places to hide in arenas as you’d think. Especially when there’s fourteen VERY pissed off people looking for you.
Ah well, youthful impetuousness does have a price.
Anyways- my take:
WHO WINS? GIGANTE
For some reason, the name reminds me of enormous Argentinian ex-basketball players and tin foil. But, there’s no denying that Gigante is by far the biggest woman in the competition, and Danny always appreciates a power game. Still, like I said in my previous column, these so called ‘power women’ tend to suck more often than not. Still, if there’s anyone who’s going to have a chance to win this, it’s going to be someone who has the strength to do some serious damage towards the end of the time limit, when it matters the most. Gigante seems like a good pick- unless the other girls gang up on her.
WHO WINS THE VOTE? DEVEN KNIGHT
Tough to predict the winner of a popularity contest before anyone even opens their mouth. But Deven still looks to be the most promising of the rookies in this season, and I’d definitely like to see her stick around for a while. So Knight it is.
WHO’S GOING HOME? ALYSSA FOXWORTH
Unless Alyssa makes the AWESOME decision to tack a “y” on to the end of her last name, I really can’t see people giving much of a shit about her. I honestly can’t figure out how someone who could possibly be about to marry into the epic Star family could be so possibly boring! I mean, what does Seth see in her (other than the obvious, of course). What does Samantha see in her? What could any prospective voter see in her?
THE ROAD AHEAD!
Holy crap! It’s the biggest FFW PPV of the year! I feel like I need to rent a tuxedo for this! And lose some weight! And buy hors d’ovures! And...
Whoah, getting ahead of myself here. So I think I’m gonna settle for just breaking down the amazing TEN matches in store for us at Unstoppable. thirty-three wrestlers will be on tap for you among those ten, one less than Conviction (remember, Kat Stryfe is booked twice)... but unlike Conviction, every single wrestler but one is a true-blue FFW superstar (and Moxie really CAN’T be, can he?).
Anyways, as is custom for me and PPVs, I preview all the matches, not just the top 5. So...
POISON PICK
#21 Alyson Summers vs. Sophia Black
Considering that Sophia Black hasn’t been seen in an FFW ring for months, to the point where she’s become an unpleasant memory in most people’s minds, this seems almost a waste of a Poison Pick. Nevertheless, thanks to her blind devotion to Christian Kincaid, Aly’s called out one of his exes, and Sophia’s obliged. There’s bad blood here, made even worse by Black’s attack on CK at the end of Breaking Point. I’ve heard some people say the rookie doesn’t have a chance. You kidding me? Aly’s got half-a-brain, which is more than you can say for her opponent.
WINNER: Summers
#34 Traci Loveheart vs. Emma McIntyre
I’m not really a fan of the MacKenzie Mafia- a group of people who rarely compete running around with the mission of ‘keeping the balance’ like they’re some sort of pro-wrestling version of druids seems a bit on the pretentious bullshit side. Especially when the target of their ire is little more than the already discredited rejects known as Twisted Path. Yes, we all loved Tiffany’s destruction of Victoria Summers. So now, two months later, apparently Emma comes back to finish the job. There’s only one question that surrounds this match- why the hell doesn’t she have anything better to do?
WINNER: McIntyre
PICK YOUR POISON LADDER MATCH
#18 Hayley Dark vs. #23 Whitley Mercer vs. #27 Jo McFarlane vs. #29 Crystal Hate vs. #32 Mindy Smyth vs. #33 Faith vs. #35 Charity Deas vs. Casey Atherton
Holy crap that’s a mouthfull. Anyways, basic premise- eight women get into the ring, ladder match rules, she who pulls down the prize gets to face an opponent of her choosing. And of course gets bragging rights for beating seven other FFW wrestlers. Going by the rankings of the competitors, its obvious that this is just what most of the girls in the match need to kickstart some momentum. Realistically, I can’t see Smyth, Faith, or Charity having any chance whatsoever to get anywhere close to winning this. Hate and Jo, I have as outside shots- they can pull it off if the cards fall just right. That leaves Atherton, Dark, and Mercer as my favorites. All three are young, and relatively new, and therefore adept at making mistakes. Unless Adonis can find a way to sneak to ringside, Casey probably is going to get herself in over her head. And as much as I love Whitley, Mercer is a bit suseptible to becoming to target-orientated, and losing focus of the bigger surroundings. So Im gonna go ahead and pencil in Dark as the winner here- but my eraser is definitely on standby.
WINNER: Dark
EVOLUTION #1 CONTENDERS
#9 Crystal Hilton vs. #28 Tara Thunder
I have questions about both these women as we head into the PPV. Crystal saw her undfeated streak go up in smoke against Wendy, and for a woman of her ego, that has to be devastating. Can Crystal get it together in time for the follow up? But at the same time, is Tara really as good as management is making her out to be? There’s a lot riding on the line here for both women, but after seeing what I just did from Crystal, I have a lot of faith in her. She’ll get the rebound, and maybe get us another match against Wendy.
WINNER: Hilton
HANDICAP TAG MATCH
#11 Rose Jenkins vs. #30 Lumina Ferrari & Johnny Moxie
Obviously everyone and their sister wants to see Rose beat the living spaghetti sauce out of Lumina and her boyfriend. But as much as we all hate Johnny Moxie, you gotta remember that the guy is crafty, and actually has a bit of talent (which is more than could be said for his girlfriend, or protege, or whatever). You throw that in with the numbers advantage, and Rose might actually be in trouble. I know it’s tag rules for the dominant team, but this is Moxie we’re talking about. The man was born to get around rules.
WINNER: Ferrari & Moxie
FFW ULTRAVIOLENCE CHAMPIONSHIP
PRISON OF PUNISHMENT
#4 CAMILLA PAZZINI © vs. RAVEN WICKED
Raven hasn’t been in the ring since Conviction, and while I’m sure she’s made good use of her time (and don’t ask ‘doing what?’ I don’t even want to know how she prepares!). But still, that’s a LONG time to be absent from the ring when preparing for a title match. You throw that in with the fact that Camilla has proven herself time and time again to be the nastiest, most violent and brutal woman on the FFW roster, and I’m afraid this might actually end up being one of the most lopsided matches of the PPV. But I hope I’m wrong
WINNER: Pazzini
FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE
#19 Shane Sanders vs. #20 Rori Snyder
Well, here we go. This is a rematch from Conviction- a match that Rori won under dubious standards. This time- there’s no such thing as ‘dubious standards’. Anything goes, and anywhere goes. Shane knows this- she’s planned for it, which means she’s out of excuses if she can’t get the job done against Princess Rori. For that matter, Rori ran out of excuses weeks ago- and with Shane finally having run out of patience with her, I think it’s going to be a long, bloody trip back to Oakdale for Ms. Snyder-Magnussen.
WINNER: Shane Sanders
FFW UNITY TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP
The Eternal Flame (#10 Katherine Stryfe & #26 Rebbecca Valentine) © vs. The Danger Queens (#16 Charlotte Gage & #22 Kassandra)
I’m gonna bet that this match will probably be moved up on the card, to compensate for Katherine’s double-booking. Anyways, this is a rematch of a semfinal match in the Unity Tag Tournament, which the Eternal Flame won in an upset. The DQ’s no doubt remember that, and they’re looking for payback here. I think this match comes down to one thing- can Rebbecca Valentine handle the pressure? She cost her team the match at the last PPV, but she pulled a huge upset getting them the titles in the rematch. But she seemed to get flat-out exposed against Ignis. Where does that leave her now? And can they function against two girls who have some of the best chemistry in FFW? I think we could be looking at new champions, here!
WINNER: Danger Queens
FFW EVOLUTION CHAMPIONSHIP
THREE-WAY
#5 Colleen © vs. #7 Robbyn Helmsley vs. #8 Wendy Briese
The rivalry between Colleen and Helmsley has been well-documented, but it’s also been a bit on the one-sided side. Helmsley’s done a lot in FFW, but beating Colleen is not yet among her list of accomplishments- something she wants to change. Parachuting into the middle of this is Wendy, who got in after winning the Chase for the Crown. Oddly- Wendy holds a win over both women, although in a six woman tag match. This could easily be considered a show-stealer match of the night contender, because all three women have something to prove, and reasons to make you believe they would do it. Still, I gotta have faith in what brought me here, so:
WINNER: Briese
FFW CHAMPIONSHIP
ELIMINATION CHAMBER
#1 Scarlett Kincaid © vs. #2 Isabella Pazzini vs. #3 Kaitlynn Stryfe vs. #6 Valerie Belmont vs. #10 Katherine Stryfe vs. #17 Amy
Well, here it is. An absolute doozy of a match to finish an absolute doozy of a pay-per-view. Predicting one of these matches is hard as hell, because you don’t know the entry order. With five-minute intervals, when you enter carries so much weight in a match like this, as you’re looking at a full TWENTY MINUTES between when the first two wrestlers lock up, and when the final competitor enters. But going on process of elimination here... the thought of either Katherine or Amy walking out of this the Champion makes my skin crawl with the knowledge of how much damage it would do to the FFW Championship’s credibility to the point where I can’t even think about it. So scratch them.
THe remaining four all have a GREAT chance of winning this, so the process gets tougher. But I have to whittle it down. And as much as I hate to do it, I really can’t see Scarlett winning this either, thanks to her aforementioned demand that she be one of the first two in the match. Like I said, its a foolish, suicidal notion- she’s got nothing to prove by doing that, but that’s her decision. But when you couple that into the fact that everyone will be gunning for her, it’s really going to be too much for her to handle. So while I’m hoping I’m wrong, I can’t see her winning this.
Isabella’s pissed too many people off as well, and if this ‘deal’ she’s made with Star exists, and Bella doesn’t come in until the end, she could be walking in against as many as five pissed off, tired, and beat up FFW superstars, all of which might want her dead. Amy herself will probably be fanatacial about downing her. Ultimately, Isabella is the most likely person to be ganged up on, other than possibly Scarlett. That can spell the end in a match like this.
So that leaves Val and Kitty, who coincidentally put each other through hell in a clear match of the year contender at Conviction. Wendy’s been in the ring against both women, and I asked her, she cannot tell me who was a tougher opponent to face. Kitty does have that feather in her cap from Conviction, but something tells me Val learned her mistakes from that. So, with a cringe, and a hope I’m right, I give you, for the first time ever...
WINNER: Belmont
And there’s a fingercross moment if I’ve ever had one.
AWARDS!
I’m of the opinion that a good manager should take his wrestler’s success personally, so when I come across meddling fools (namely, other managers), I tend to want them to die. Seriously, I’ve spent half my career trying to figure out a way to torture my opponent’s cornerman, whether it’s a valet, manager, tag partner, whatever. Most of the time, its with the simple logic that if they’re occupied with ME, they can’t do something to fuck over Wendy. But I’ll be honest, it’s a hobby.
Unfortunately, and even though he’s got a metal rod so far up his ass it practically counts as an impaling, I’ve grown to like and respect one of my colleagues of this esteemed profession. Namely Wolf Ramsey. So despite the fact that our wrestlers are just two weeks away from trying to dislocate pretty much every joint imaginable in each other, I decided to let Wolfie take the awards column out for a spin. He did a great job with it.
On a side note, I actually wanted Colleen to do these, but when I approached Mr. Ramsey with the idea, he quickly suggested that it be best for both our safety that I not pursue it. He then offered to do it himself, I think to make sure that I wasn’t dumb enough to actually follow through.
Anyways, Mr. Wolf Ramsey, everyone!
Match of the Week(s)
Wendy Briese vs. Crystal Hilton
I have rarely had the pleasure of being ringside for a match quite as magnificent this one. The story this one told was incredible. Such contrast between the two women, and we saw an epic battle, and the simple fact is neither of these athletes would die. They simply would not. The stakes were too high. I do not have much love for Crystal Hilton, but I no longer doubt the woman’s immense talent. But it was in fact my favorite non-client, Wendy Briese who walked away with the victory. Ms. Hilton threw everything she could at her, and I mean everything, but Ms. Briese earned even more of my respect by never quitting, no matter how it looked. And now Ms. Briese is heading to Unstoppable 2, and I truly regret the unfortunate fact that all that work will eventually amount to a loss when my client successfully defends her championship on the biggest stage of them all.
Dream on, Ramsey. Dream on. Anyways, my (Pollaski’s) runners-up:
- Payton St. Pierre vs. Sophie Richards: Honestly surprised we actually got a good match outta Pay... not to mention one she won. But hell, that was pretty good.
- Hayley Dark vs. Mindy Smyth vs. Whitley Mercer: If that was the PREVIEW of the PYPLM, the ladder match itself is gonna be SICK!
Winner of the Week(s)
Payton St. Pierre
This is a case of “giving the devil her due”. I dislike Payton St. Pierre greatly, as I’m sure most of our FFW fans do, and the honest truth is that I had counted her out of her Television title match. I expected fully for Sophie Richards to bury the hatchet once and for all. Payton St. Pierre was finally going to have to shut up and go away and deal with the fact that she couldn’t beat Ms. Richards. That did not happen however, and somehow, in a brutal encounter, Ms. St. Pierre walked out of Velocity as the new FFW Television Champion. As much as I hate to admit it, Ms. St. Pierre achieved her mission in FFW this week, and that makes her the winner of the week. However, I would still like to make it clear that she has a vile personality and that hearing her speak is the equivalent of having a knife scrape against a chalkboard for an extended period of time.
Ms. St. Pierre is kinda a mouthful. I think we need to go the Red Foreman method, and just call her “Dumbass”. It’s quicker, and quite accurate.
Pollaski’s runners-up:
- Katherine Stryfe: After the way she just lucked into the main-event on the biggest show of the year, Kat better go fucking buy herself a Lotto ticket.
- Wendy Briese: You damn right I’m proud of her!
Loser of the Week
Traci Loveheart
Not that Ms. Loveheart needed much more to help her bear the title of “loser”, but two consecutive losses on Velocity and Breaking Point, followed by the revelation that a former FFW Champion has come back purely to end her at Unstoppable 2. Well, let’s just say things simply could not be worse for the remaining half of Twisted Path. Though, in all honesty, I find the whole situation rather entertaining more than anything else, and I implore Ms. McIntyre to continue the trend of Ms. Loveheart’s fortunes at Unstoppable 2. At Conviction, the first of two fools got what was coming to them, and Unstoppable, I suspect the job will be finished.
By this criteria, I’d make Traci Loveheart (or her sister) the loser of the week EVERY damn week!
Pollaski’s Runners-up
- Gretchen Donimari: To be injured like this just as she was getting momentum, that’s a shame.
- Sophie Richards: It aint’ the end for her, but that was not how she wanted her match with Dumbass to go.
Douchebag of the Week
Rori Snyder
Rori Snyder is a vile, awful, despicable, and disgusting woman. There are few people who I despise quite as much as the walking piece of shit who dares call herself a “princess”. The woman issues a challenge to my client, fair enough, but then after making a big deal about wanting to actually defeat Colleen and prove a point, the woman spends the entire match pulling out cheap trick after cheap trick before finally finding an escape clause. She almost walked out after two minutes when she realized she couldn’t really wrestler at my client’s level, but then she decided to use the ropes illegally, throw salt in Colleen’s eyes, and SMASH A RING BELL INTO MY FOREHEAD. I was not your opponent, and I had not provoked you, Ms. Snyder, but a puddle of slime such as yourself doesn’t care about that, do you? Even after all of that, Colleen was still in control by the time Ms. Helmsley came to ringside and you played your final card, finding a way out of the match before you were forced to tap out. Rori Snyder is a person I cannot and never will respect after this week, as she disrespects and corrupts the sport I love by her proximity to it alone. I hope Shane Sanders puts her in the hospital at Unstoppable. It will be a pleasure to watch this creature get her just desserts.
Not surprised at all that you chose her, Wolf. But I *love* the rant. Tell ya what, losing manager in the Evo match buys the winner a Shane Sanders t-shirt.
Pollaski’s Runners Up:
- Nina Battleheart Astral: Not for quitting. For actually having the audacity to think that it would be impactful if she did quit. Other than the absolute flaming we’re now at liberty to do.
- Sophia Black: Not for attacking CK. I’ve wanted to do that for four months. But dear God, FFW has enough annoying idiots running around, and we just got rid of NBA. Did we really have to get another?
Anyways, thanks so much to Wolf for contributing this week. I may give him some crap, but this is a guy who knows his shit.
Anyways, that’s it for this week. Remember, Future Shock is Friday, 9PM ET, on ESPN! (As Scarlett will no doubt remind us). And don’t forget UNSTOPPABLE II from CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA on SATURDAY JULY 30 at 9 PM on PAY PER VIEW! And see you a few days after, as we go through the aftermath of what will truly be an epic show!
Until then...
POLLA OUT!
Daniel Pollaski is an freelance wrestling columnist, and the manager of Wendy Briese. He also would like to remind the world that Nikkii Spainhower is the true SVW T&A champion, no matter what that worthless wannabe announcer and his dimwit wife say.
