Once again, its time for Daniel Pollaski to sort through the news, reviews, and previews of the goings on of X3W and Catholic Panda Wrestling! This column is solely the opinion of the author, and does not reflect the opinion of neither X3W, CPW, their wrestlers, or management.
The Power X inspirational thought of the week
“Oh my God, we're back again
Brothers, sisters, everybody sing
Gonna bring the flavor, show you how
Gotta question for you better answer now, yeah
Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Am I sexual?
Am I everything you need?
You better rock your body now”
- Everybody (Backstreet's Back); The Backstreet Boys
Hey kids! No, Orlando based boy bands aren't the number one choice of tunage in the Pollaskinator's IPOD, but it's fairly fitting, considering that after a couple month's hiatus, the POWER X IS BACK BABY!
Okay, so, just a little heads up for the uninformed, which judging by the slack-jawed expressions on faces, is a lot of you. My name, is of course, Daniel Pollaski. To most of you adoring fans, I am the manager of the greatest tag team ever to walk the face of the earth, that being the WhirlyBirdz Vehicular Hit Squad, aka Terrence Thompson, and Wendy Briese. To you CPW fans, I'm also a former wrestler who participated in a handful of matches that are best forgotten.
I mean seriously, Angel Kash?
Anyways, for the majority of the Birdz career, I've made unofficial rankings about whatever company we happened to be in. Originally, it was so that my wrestlers could have an idea of where I felt they stood in the company, but over time, as more people became aware, the Power 50 (as it was called back in the Old WFWA) became something of a cult phenomenon. I continued the column even before the Birdz returned to wrestling, and did it weekly over in the old PWX, where I renamed it the Power X)
Since the Birdz joined CPW and X3W, I couldn't tell you the amount of times I've had fans come up and ask me if I was going to be bringing the Power X back. I enjoy doing it, so that's not a problem, but unfortunately, with my time being split between two feds, I didn't really have the time to write a column for each company. Thankfully, Terrence and Wendy's daughter, the lovely Theresa, had the solution. Why not just make one column, covering both feds?
So, here we are, the debut of Power X 2.0, the most awesomest unofficial rankings system to happen since the Associated Press College Football Poll. And oh yes, PX fans, we got awards at the end too.
Okay, so anyways, here are the rules of the rankings
1. Rankings will cover ALL eligible wrestlers. For now, we will only cover singles wrestlers. In the case of tag teams, each member will be ranked individually
2. To be eligible, a wrestler must be a member of the active roster for either CPW or X3W. They also must have competed at least once during the last three weeks. For X3W, this is the past 3 shows (Shatterpoints 8&9 and Revelations this week); for CPW, the last 2 shows (Zoo 14 and GPB)
3. In previous incarnations, the World Champion was automatically ranked #1. Since I'm doing two feds, the Champion of each fed will be automatically ranked either 1st or 2nd. Secondary and tag team champions have no guaranteed ranking.
4. Rankings are completely subjective and based on my own opinion. I take several factors into account, including win-loss record, quality of opponent, condition surrounding match results, and fan reaction. This is why they're unofficial
5. I reserve the right to make any exception to the above rules that I choose. After all, this is my column. Bitch.
Okay, now that we got the Bullshit outta the way, let's get this party started. 34 wrestlers meet the eligiblity requirements this week, 13 from X3W, 20 from CPW, and 1 from both. That number's going to grow on both ends next time with the return of Joey Flash and Izzy Pazzini in CPW, the debut of Nathan McFarlane in X3W, and different people named Drake appearing in both feds. No kidding.
Alright, my little pebbles... ITS TIME TO ROCK!
#34- TEMPEST (CPW- 21st)
Well, I don't think anyone's particularily surprised that Catholic Panda Wrestlin's pink-leotard wearing fruiterhero runs up the bottom of the list this week (and for all eternity). Brings back fond memories of Sami Jacobs over in PWX...
#33- TOUGH EAGLE (CPW- 20th)
Well, I'll say one thing about Tough Eagle. He's tough. Then again, you kinda have to be to take some of the beatings he has, and keep coming back for more.
#32- ARIEL SHADOWS (CPW- 19th)
Ariel Shadows is actually one of two wrestlers in these rankings to be a member of both companies, although she doesn't currently meet X3W's eligibility requirements. Ariel's been struggling over the past few weeks as she tries to find her own identity. Of course, she's got a bigger problem now, as she was unfortunately kidnapped at the conclusion of X3W's Revelations PPV. I, of course, wish Ariel a speedy and safe return
#31- DARREN HUGHES (CPW- 18th)
This former referee was a good sport when he stepped in to take Ariel Shadow's place at the Great Panda Bash. Unfortunately, that didn't quite pan out the way he had hoped, as Hughes took a disappointing loss to Loba.
#30- JAMES CHAOS (CPW- 17th)
Chaos has had a fairly rocky debut in CPW, having yet to notch his first win. Still, he put up a hell of a fight against Faith at the Bash, but did end up coming up short. Can he get the ball rolling against Tempest?
#29- BRYAN DEAS (CPW- 16th)
“The Ballistic One” couldn't even find a way onto the CPW Supercard, which says a lot about him. He has a chance to step up his game this week when he takes on a debuting Ronnie McNeal and Dozer in 3-way action.
#28- PSYCHO SOLDIER (X3W-14th)
Our first X3W-er in the rankings is a surprising one. Soldier was a dominant force in EPW, X3W's predecessor, but he has yet to notch even a single victory in the new company! Soldier has been claiming that an opponent 'stole' his ability and power away from him, and that he's figured out who it is. If this guy can get it together, I'd hate to be in that person's shoes.
#27- SCAVENGER (CPW-15th)
Like his partner Tough Eagle, it's been a rough couple of months for the members of Steely Vengeance. Things don't get any easier when Scav goes toe to toe with Liam Alexander at the next zoo.
#26- DOZER (CPW- 14th)
Right now, it's really hard to make heads or tails of this guy. He's a big guy, and he uses his strength well, but there's something about him that's not clicking. We'll see if he comes around, because he definitely has potential
#25- GRAHAM CLAUSEN (X3W-13th)
Well, officially, Clausen is an announcer, but he just can't seem to keep himself from getting into that ring. He did muster a decent win over Crazy KYD a couple weeks ago, but getting involved against KYD this week turned out to be a BIG mistake
#24- KENNETH X. ROCKWELL (X3W- 12th)
Okay, I'm just going to say this outright. The ONLY thing good about this piece of shit womanizer is the lovely and sweet valet he inexplicably has managed to net (although not for long!).
#23- FAITH (CPW- 13th)
Well, how about this little lady? After a rough beginning in CPW, Faith is starting to come around, as she's now notched herself two consecutive victories. Of course, she now has that nasty little piece of work Isabella Pazzini to deal with, but if Faith can get by her, and keep winning, a shot at the IBC isn't unreasonable.
#22- THERESA (X3W- 11th)
Um, I'm kinda afraid of her...
#21- MICHELLE TAYLOR (CPW- 12th)
Michelle managed to show a new level of fire and viciousness at the Bash, but it wasn't quite enough to wrest the International Bamboo Championship away from Crystal Hilton. Considering this is her second failed shot at the Bamboo (guess who beat her for the first one!), and her third failed title shot overall, you have to wonder if another one will be forthcoming
#20- HAYLEY DARK (CPW-11th)
The other Cherrybomb proved exactly why she is that when she went down hard to Terry Marvin at the Bash. Still, you can't deny the heart in this girl, and you have to think that sooner or later, good things are going to come her way. (Not the tag titles, please God...)
#19- ACE ANDREWS (CPW- 10th)
I was kinda disappointed in Andrew's performance at the Bash, considering how much he and Marvin talked themselves up. Nevertheless, he and his partner wreaked some havoc during that main event.
#18- CRAZY KYD (X3W- 10th)
Now, I'm no expert on child rearing, but I fail to understand how doing what KYD's doing is going to get him Alleigh back. Wouldn't the goal be to show CPS that you're NOT an over-violent psychopath?
#17- HOLDEN TYCO MALONE (X3W-9th)
I was honestly shocked that he went down to Yvonne Knight the way he did. Until that moment, Holden was one of the rising stars in X3W, and I had him pegged as a dark horse in the X3W Round Robin Contenders Tournament. He's not out of it yet, but losing his first match sticks him in a hole.
#16- LOBA (CPW- 9th)
For some reason, Loba seems to only appear every other show, so she only comes out once a month (which is hilarious, considering the wolf-theme she's got going). Still, she's one of the more underrated talents in X3W, so it would be nice if we saw more of her.
#15- TERRY MARVIN (CPW- 8th)
While his partner floundered, Terry Marvin represented the Syn City Syndicate well, getting a big win over Hayley Dark. Opportunity awaits him this week, when the SCS have a chance to take on BOTH their tag team division rivals in the same match.
#14- JOEY JENOVA (X3W- 8th)
I was almost surprised that Jenova was left out of the round robin tournament, considering that he was a semifinalist in the championship bracket (then again, the other semifinalist, Crazy KYD, wasn't selected either). Jenova's got his hands full right now, coming off a tough loss to KYD at Revelations, and also dealing with personal matters involving his friend Graham Clausen. If he can keep it together, however, he'll be a force in X3W for a long time to come.
#13- CRYSTAL HILTON (CPW- 7th)
INTERNATIONAL BAMBOO CHAMPION
The Hollywood Princess has been on a roll ever since her debut, netting the IBC, with her only loss coming to a red-hot Gowan. A big win over Michelle Taylor at the Bash sets the stage for a long title reign for her, although we still are waiting to see who the next challenger to step forward will be.
#12- KATHERINE STRYFE (X3W- 7th)
For the record, I wasn't buying the whole 'undefeated' thing anyways, Tweeder or no Tweeder. Luckily, THAT all came to an end on Tuesday Night, thanks to a bonafide out of the blue Kookie Kutter. Like Malone, the loss puts her in a hole for the Round Robin Tournament, but I still count her as one of the favorites. But she needs Keebler to lose, or its out of her hands.
#11 PROJECT: REVOLUTION (X3W- 6th)
The man who's made RAGE cool has gotten hot the past couple of weeks, first with a blitzkrieg win over Michael Kennedy, and then a very thorough dismantling of Crazy KYD. Crazy KYD's post match beatdown may have cooled him off, however. We'll have to see next week.
#10- THATCHER REX (X3W- 5th)
Remember rule #5? Yeah, I'm invoking it right here, because if there was any justice in the world, Thatcher Rex WOULD be in X3W, he WOULD be in the Round Robin tournament, and he WOULD be sitting right here at #10 in the Power X. Unfortunately, I only have control over one of those things, so...
#9- YVONNE KNIGHT (X3W- 4th)
Three matches, thee tapout wins for the artist formerly known as Jinx. A big win over Holden Tyco Malone has her tied for first place in the Round Robin Tournament, although there's a lot of wrestling left to go.
#8- LAWRENCE GOWAN (CPW-5th)
After a blistering start to his CPW tenure, LG's cooled off a bit. Still, one can't overlook the fact that he's already beaten the Bamboo Champion, and he remains very much in the hunt for the next shot at the Undisputed Panda title. Perhaps a week off to rest and regroup will give him some of his fire back.
#7- AORAKI (CPW- 4th)
If it weren't for his brother, we would have seen a flat-out dismantling of the Steely Vengeance tag team a couple days ago at the Great Panda Bash. Even with the no-contest, Aoraki remains one of the meanest and toughest wrestlers in CPW. I should know... I've been in the ring with him.
#6- TERRENCE THOMPSON (CPW- 3rd)
TEAMING PANDA CHAMPION
So close for Terrence Thompson, but he just couldn't get it done against Belladonna, especially in a match that the Syn City Syndicate made a mess of. Now he has to regroup, and learn to work with his newfound nemesis this week.
#5- MADMAN SZALINSKI (X3W- 3rd)
Szalinski came within inches of becoming the first X3W World Champion, but it wasn't meant to be. Still, since that match (screw that, for the past four months), Szalinski's been on a downward spiral, culminating with him going into the hospital after Revelations, supposedly in a coma. Will he wake up in time for next show? He's already used up his bye week in the Round Robin tournament...
#4- LIAM ALEXANDER (CPW- 2nd)
HUGE win for Liam at the Bash, winning a tough match over Gowan, and for now, he cements the #2 spot in the CPW pecking order. One might assume he's in for an easy match against Scavenger this week, but this is pro-wrestling, and anything can happen. Especially when vindictive ninjas are involved.
#3- KRIS KEEBLER (X3W- 2nd)
It's been a rough few weeks for Keebler, so that he even made his match against Katherine Stryfe shows how much fortitude he has. But even more impressive, Keebler managed to get the victory, and give himself a leg up in the tournament. Now the big question- what happens when Holden Tyco Malone comes up in the rotation?
#2- WENDY BRIESE (X3W- 1st; CPW- 6th)
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION
TEAMING PANDA CHAMPION
Right now, Wendy is experiencing what might be the highest point in all her five year career, and for her, it keeps rolling, coming off of tough wins over Ace Andrews and Theresa. Obviously, Wendy's watching the Round Robin tournament with a keen interest as the competition gets underway.
#1- BELLADONNA (CPW- 1st)
UNDISPUTED PANDA CHAMPION
You have to give it up for the little lady, who survived a tough challenge from Terrence, and in a clusterfuck of a match to boot. The win cements Belladonna's hold over the CPW, and it's going to be interesting to see who the next person is to try and dethrone her. My money's on Joey Flash.
Alright, there we are!
Of course, if you have a problem where your favorite wrestlers ranked, you can either:
A. Fuck off
B. Write your own column
C. Both
Now, who's ready for some awards? I know I am!
MATCH OF THE WEEK- Kris Keebler vs. Victoria Wolf
A lot of great matches over both feds over the past couple weeks, but this one stands out. It was by no means a technical masterpiece, but in terms of intensity, there was nothing better. And jeebus, Kristi, how many people can one person screw over in the span of a single match? My Veronika would do NOTHING like that!
RUNNERS UP: Belladonna vs. Terrence Thompson; Madman Szalinski vs. Wendy Briese; Crystal Hilton vs. Michelle Taylor
WINNER OF THE WEEK- Belladonna
Why not give it to our top ranked wrestler for the first week? Belladonna's been on a roll for the past couple of months now, and she's done everything to earn that Undisputed Panda Championship. Keep it going, Trixie!
RUNNERS UP: Wendy Briese, Liam Alexander, Yvonne Knight
LOSER OF THE WEEK- Ariel Shadows
For the record, the LOTW award is NOT intended as an insult. Instead, its awarded to the wrestler (or other personality) that had the biggest setback, disappointment, or heartbreak over the past week. No one comes close to Shadows, who broke up with her boyfriend, then got kidnapped, all in the span of about fifteen minutes. Like I said before, our thoughts and prayers are out to Ariel, and here's hoping the clod who took her brings her back!
RUNNERS UP: Aoraki, Madman Szalinski, Michelle Taylor
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK- Joey Flash
Ah, and now for everone's favorite award. I don't think there's anyone more deserving than Joey Flash, who managed to orchestrate a return to wrestling that only a demented mind such as his could come up with. Taking out one rival (Aoraki) using his own brother, Joey then proceded to pretty much smash the rest of the CPW main event in quick order. But he's on a collision course with Belladonna- did he bite off more than he can chew?
RUNNERS UP: Kristi Hughes, The Midnight Society, Crazy KYD
And that does it all for this week!
Thanks for reading, everyone, and I hope to be back in just a couple short weeks with another column, featuring a hot, fresh batch of rankings, and of course, some more awards. Hell, maybe I can muster up a guest awards presenter, and see if we can get things really spiced up. Until then...
POLLA OUT!
Daniel Pollaski is the manager of the WhirlyBirdz Vehicular Hit Squad, and a columnist. He would also like to remind the lovely Veronika that they need to get their upcoming date set, and that he's super excited for it.
