The following is the opinion of Daniel Pollaski, and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of Pro-Wrestling X or the WhirlyBirdz.
Legal bitches.
Well, hello there, children.
Most of you are probably familiar with me by now. I mean, you see me pretty much every week backstage, the big friendly fat guy in a loud shirt. My name is Daniel Pollaski. I manage the WhirlyBirdz, aka Terrence Thompson (the guy standing at the top of the ladder last night) and Wendy Briese (the hotter of the two redhead females).
Anyways, most of you know that a few months ago, WWA president Chance Wolfington hired me to write a biweekly column about the events in the World Wrestling Alliance. I put out a few, but once Terrence and Wendy started their comeback trail, I just didn't really have the time anymore. That, and once Cito Conarri took over, they decided that a columnist was no longer necessary, not to mention a drain on the budget. That's why you no longer see a Polla to the People.
Anyways, present day, we're on our way to Pennsylvania to watch the Appalachian Wrestling show, and I'm in the back, minding my own business, and playing Modern Warfare 2, when Wendy (who understandably has been in a bitchy mood the past couple of days), tells me that its too violent for Theresa, and to shut it off. Boo, Wendy, Boo.
So, anyways, I was thinking. Why not do a rankings column for Pro-Wrestling X? Its easier to keep tabs on one fed instead of five, and I've had several wrestlers ask me if they were gonna see another one. Sides, if JPO likes it, he can hire me to do more. Its win-win, baby.
I'd like to call it the Power 50, but there aren't fifty wrestlers in PWX, so... no. So, after racking my brain, I've decided to call it POWER X. There are two reasons to this.
1. X is the most common mathematical variable, and since our roster size fluctuates, its a variable.
2. X is kinda part of our name.
I'm a genius.
So, heres the eligibility rules.
1. Any active wrestler on the PWX roster will be ranked. Active will be defined as wrestling in a match in the last three weeks.
2. After thinking, I have decided that results for interfed organizations (CWC & WFWA) will count. WFWA i will know about, CWC, feel free to drop me a note at PWX headquarters, and hopefully JPO will get it to me (unless Ojeda tells him not to, in which case, sucks to be you)
[OOC- PM me. Pollaski]
3. Matches in other feds will not count (ie, the Belmonts in Xcore or SCW)
4. Any exception I choose to make.
Okay then. 21 wrestlers in the the inagural rankings... countdown time!!!!
21. EL TORTE
Last match- w/ Los Punch, lost to Wendy Briese & Victor Mandrake at A-31
This week- Not booked
Ha! Bet you didn't know that the members of Punch and Pie had individual names!
20. LOS PUNCH
Last match- with El Torte, lost to Wendy Briese & Victor Mandrake at A-31
... Even though I can't quite figure out which one is which. Or why they participate in a sport wearing those obviously uncomfortable outfits. Maybe if they got a little ventilation, they'd get an offensive move in once in a while.
19. DANIEL STEEL
Last match- lost to Noiz Narid & Johnny Poz in a handicapped match at ADR-32
Next week- vs. Sami Jacobs
You know how they always say first impressions are important? Apparently Danny wasn't listening.
18. MERCEDES MORGAN
Last match- with Sami Jacobs, lost to John Pariah & Lilith Morgan
Next Week- with Valerie Belmont, vs. Wendy Briese & Jourita Hills
The Fallen's manager/Valet/James Silkk's fuckbuddy (oh, you know its goin' on), struggling a little bit. Maybe teaming with Valerie Belmont will help her light a spark.
17. JOHNNY POZ
Last Match- With Noiz Narid, def. Daniel Steel in a handicapped match at ADR-32
Next week- Not booked
So how often is it that you see a tag team disintigrate after a win? Team Wade is seemingly on the outs.
16. LILITH MORGAN
Last Match- w/ John Pariah, def. Mercedes Morgan & Sami Jacobs at A-32
Next week- Not booked
Old school PWX fans had to have been thrilled to see Lilith and Pariah standing side by side. Lilith had to have been thrilled to beat the hell out of her sister.
15. NOIZ NARID
Last match- with Johnny Poz, def. Daniel Steel in a handicapped match at A-32.
Next week- vs. Uriel Black
If he was unmasked as Darin Zion (duh, its him), he'd be higher. Now the question is, who was his partner, and what led to them falling out?
14. SAMI JACOBS
Last Match- With Mercedes Morgan, lost to John Pariah & Lilith morgan at A-32
Next Week- vs. Daniel Steel
Big match for Sami. He's been doing well in the hardcore
Slugfests, but without the brutality, he's been struggling for wins. Shutting down Steel can help him make a statement.
13 JAMES SILKK
Last Match- with Sami Jacobs, lost to John Pariah & Tyler Graves in a three way match (with Devon Poole & Josh Graves) for the Tag Titles at A-31.
Next Week- With John Ojeda & Devon Poole, vs. John Pariah, Danny Szatkowski & Josh Graves
Captain emo has definitely turned up the hate on John Pariah. PWX traditionally likes these six man clusterfucks the week before a pay per view, and lets hope thatthis month's is better than last.
12. URIEL BLACK
Last Match- lost to Devon Poole at A-32
Next week- vs. Noiz Nirad
Black's gotta be angry, considering that the past two weeks, he has been robbed of one win, and one entire match! How will he react to facing the eccentric Noiz?
11. JOSH GRAVES
Last Match- Lost to Jeremiah Belmont at A-32
Next Week- with John Pariah & Danny Szatkowski, vs. John Ojeda, Devon Poole & James Silkk
Tough couple of weeks for Josh. Lost the tag titles to Chicago's Finest, then got betrayed by his own partner. Add in a tough loss to Jeremiah Belmont, and he'll be.chomping at the bit for some redemption this week.
10. WENDY BRIESE
Last Match- def. Brian Hollywood via Disqualification at A-32
Next Week- with Juorita Hill, vs. Mercedes Morgan & Valerie Belmont.
Wendys had a tough week, with her loss at WFWAs tag wars, and getting laid out twice with a chair by Brian Hollywood. Not any easier this week, as she helps to break in a newcomer against Valerie Belmont.
9. DEVON POOLE
Last Match- def. Uriel Black at A-32
Next Week- with James Silkk & John Ojeda, vs. John Pariah, Danny Szatkowski, and Josh Graves.
After stealing a win against Uriel, and the way he treats his teamates, Devon is starting to get that "Does Not Play Well With Others" label. Still, good luck to Devon as he goes for some CWC gold!
8. BRIAN HOLLYWOOD
Last Match- Lost to Wendy Briese via Disqualification at A-32
Next week- vs. Jeremiah Belmont
So lets see here, Brian's got Darin Zion running around somewhere, Jay Price at Full Throttle, Jeremiah hot for revenge this week, and now hes hitting Wendy with chairs? How many enemies does this guy need?
7. JOHN PARIAH
*TAG TEAM CHAMPION*
Last Match- with Lilith Morgan, def. Sami Jacobs & Mercedes Morgan at A-32
Next Week- with Danny Szatkowski & Josh Graves, vs. John Ojeda, Devon Poole & James Silkk
If you just look at the match results, everything is rosy in Pariahland. But John's in big trouble. Szatkowski may have saved him from the Fallen this week, but with Tyler Graves gone, who will partner with him at Full Throttle?
6. JEREMIAH BELMONT
Last Match- def. Josh Graves at A-32
Next Week- vs. Brian Hollywood.
Big win, as he beats Josh Graves for the second time in a month. Now, he gets a big opportunity to avenge his loss to Brian Hollywood at Vendetta III.
5. DANNY SZATKOWSKI
Last Match- Lost to Valerie Belmont at A-31
Next Match- with John Pariah & Josh Graves, vs. John Ojeda, Devon Poole, & James Silkk
After a two week absence, Danny's back, and ready to kick some Ojeda ass! One question- why a ladder match? Didn't we just have one? Anyways, its good to see this guy back.
4. JOHN OJEDA
*HYBRID CHAMPION*
Last Match- def. Jacob Wright
Next Week- with Devon Poole & James Silkk, vs. Danny Szatkowski, John Pariah, & Josh Graves
Honestly, the gap between 3 and 4 is microscopic here. Ojeda got a huge win over the PWX Champion, but Szatkowski's return has him on the defense. Can he beat Danny in a match so catered to Szatkowski's stregnths?
3. VALERIE BELMONT
Last Match- Lost to Terrence Thompson in a ladder match for the NextGen title at A-32
Next Week- with Mercedes Morgan, vs. Wendy Briese & Jourita Hill
Valerie slides in at #3 just ahead of Ojeda thanks to her big win over him two weeks ago. That, and she gave an absolutely phenomenal effort in the ladder match- that's gonna end up a match of the year candidate.
2. TERRENCE THOMPSON
*NEXT GENERATION CHAMPION*
Last Match- def. Valerie Belmont in a ladder match to retain the NG title
Next Week- Not Booked
My homeboy gets to take a well deserved week off as he prepares for his match against Jacob Wright at Full Throttle. It's good for him too- he's been complaining about Valerie's kicks this whole damn trip.
1. JACOB WRIGHT
*PWX CHAMPION*
Last Match- lost to John Ojeda at A-32
This Week- Not Booked
Like his challenger, Jacob Wright gets a well deserved break, although he probably wanted to make a better statement going into the PPV than his loss to Ojeda. Still, the champ remains a tough out, and will be ready when Full Throttle comes along.
There we go! If you're not down with these, you got three options.
1. Fuck off
2. Leave a comment. Note- I will respond, and you won't like it.
3. Make your own fucking rankings
Okay, who wants awards? I gots awards!
MATCH OF THE WEEK
Terrence Thompson vs. Valerie Belmont
I don't think words can express how awesome these two did. It was a back and forth, hard hitting affair all the way, and absolutely could have gone either way (even Terrence told me he was worried, although he'll deny the hell out of it). A fitting end to what turned out to be an amazing May Madness tournament
WINNER OF THE WEEK
Terrence Thompson
You can call this a homer pick, but how can you not go with my boy Twister? Not only did he win May Madness, he became the #1 contender, and will be the last Next Generation champion, since the belt will be retired.
RUNNER UP- Danny Szatkowski, just for coming back
LOSER OF THE WEEK
John Pariah
Yeah, he won the match, but he just got himself into a razor wire deathmatch with The Fallen- and no tag partner. Furthermore, he took a four on one beating, and worst of all, had to be saved by Danny Szatkowski!!! That's a bad day
RUNNER UP- Wendy Briese (getting floored by one chair shot is bad enough, but two?)
DOUCHEBAG OF THE WEEK
Brian Hollywood
Eh, more like bitch of the week. Or year. Or entire friggen PWX existance. Seriously Bri, its been four weeks since i dumped a little bit of sugar in your gas tank, and you're still not over it? Maybe you should change your name to Cryin' Hollywood. I hope Jeremiah breaks your fucking neck. Or bites it. Or something. Cocksucker.
RUNNER UP- John Ojeda. He's John fucking Ojeda, what else do you need?
And finally
THANK YOU GOD, YAHWEH, ZEUS, ALLAH, BUDDAH, ODIN, HORUS, VISHNU, AND AO MOMENT OF THE WEEK
Team Wade broke up. Goodbye, whackjobs! Well, at least Poz. Maybe Uriel can unmask Noiz and we can get Darin Zion back.
Anyways, that's it for this week. See you next week as we prepare for FULL THROTTLE. Until then...
POLLA OUT!
Daniel Pollaski is the manager of the WhirlyBirdz. He wrote this. He also would like to point out that Devon Poole looked a little TOO happy when he was holding Uriel Black's tights.
